Jealousy

I'm finding it hard to control my jealousy. It's the fact that Leo hangs out more with his friends then me. It's the fact that his fucking ex girlfriend sees him more than I do, and I have a strong feeling that something is still going on between them. I'm finding it hard to keep my composure. So he told me he was busy today, and now I think he's at a party. I'm so upset. I wanted to spend some time with him, and he's at a fucking party? Does he not want to spend time with me? I feel so worthless and self conscious about myself. It really is like what the fuck now. I seen him for like an hour and a half today, and then just to send him off. I probably won't see him for the rest of the week...and then maybe hope to get a few glimpses of him next week. His birthday is next week. He might be going out of town for that weekend next week. When will my time come? When will I be important enough to take some time out of his busy fucking day to come see me and spend time with me. I'm so hurt by this right now. I'm always asking, and I hardly see any results. I'm working my ass off, and it would be nice to have my boyfriend around to talk to and relieve some of my stress. But no...I'm sitting at home for another fucking night alone while he goes off to have his fun with whomever. It's like fuck her for right now. Who cares about her...Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.

Friends: How many of us have them?

I once thought I had friends I could depend on, lean on. I put so much of my hope and dreams into them just to have it all thrown in my face. This is a harsh taste of reality, and a sign that I'm growing up some people would say. Friends grow apart, and life situations change. Sometimes you grow up, and realize you're not the person you use to be. And that person you use to be, doesn't necessarily go with the present. Friends leave you. They come and go like lovers. I thought friendship was supposed to be forever, and lovers come and go, but it's all the same. For me, there has always been a very thin line between a friend and a lover. I loved my friends so fiercely that I would fall in love with them, and sometimes get into petty arguments and become jealous if they didn't give me the attention I wanted. I thought more highly of my friends then my lovers, whom I couldn't open up and give my heart to. But friends break hearts too.

Things have changed now. All I have is my lovers. We make love occasionally, hang out and talk about any topic of the day, but I'm strangely lacking friends at the moment. That part of my life seems so barren. Maybe it's a phase I'm going through at the moment, but now I don't trust as easily as I use to. I'm more cautious about who I spend my time with. The after effects are lonely ol' me. My lovers are at work trying to get themselves together, and all I can think about is myself. I want my time. I want to be loved and held and talk about shit going on with me. I want them to pay attention to me. I'm tired of feeling this way.

With school around the corner, and I might be getting ready to move if I'm approved for this apartment, there won't be that much time to hang out anyway. Maybe this is some type of people detox the universe is telling me to go on. I need to be selfish and focus on me, and I'm associating myself with people who have to do the same thing. But I'm lonely. I shouldn't feel lonely.

Laying in Ruin

This summer was supposed to be about me getting my life situated, but it's been a mess. Fucking chaotic. I've lost friends and I've gained lots of time alone. I know I'm at a stage in my life where it's about me focusing on myself and my career. But all I want to do is hold on to the relationships I have left. It's a constant tug of war, but I know I must let them go, and if it was meant to be, they'll come back to me.

I've been having lots of money issues recently. Basically shit with financial aid. I've been thrifty with my money this summer since I've been saving up for my own place. It looks likely now, but I'm hoping this place doesn't sell before I can go up there and turn in my application. This apartment hunting business has been an eye opening experience, cut throat, and brutal. I was going to have a roommate, but when we couldn't find a place we both agreed on, in the end, that fell through. So I decided to work some more and save up for a studio. In the end, that's the best thing for me anyway. I wanted to have something that was mine. No one elses, and I've found a great place in Uptown. It's amazing actually. Big studio, nice lighting, and a big walk in closet for only 565 and includes all utilities except electric. It's three blocks from the El. The characters around the place are interesting, but I like how there's a nice blend there. All different ethnicities, and it still feels like an authentic neighborhood, not too white washed or yuppiesh yet. I'm thrilled to finally have my own place and stay out of my mother's house for good, and when school starts back, at least I'll feel like I'm working on my career. I won't feel like I'm doing anything productive.

My relationship with Leo is still somewhat icky. We're trying, but it's funny how the other woman we use to see poisons our relationship even though we're not even involved with her anymore. She decided to cut us both out of her life, and I said if that was it, then you're dead to me...and she tells him the same thing. Now he's upset cause he doesn't want her to hate him, but I'm sure it's nothing he can do about it now. There's too much bad blood, and she still thinks that he chose me over her.It's whatever. I just want to have my relationship with Leo, and have it work out. Meanwhile J has been there for me through thick and thin, and I love him for that. Even after the crazy drama that is Leo and this other woman, he's always there when I cry and feel down. Not to mention the mind blowing sex we have. I just want successful relationships, a good job, and money to pay all of my bills. -sigh- I am trying. I'm trying my best, but I don't have as many people to depend on like I once thought I had. I feel like I'm fending for myself sometimes.

Some Yo-yoing shit...

Some of my immediate plans have been turned upside down on its head. One thing is the apartment situation. I'm completely on my own with it, and I have to work twice as hard to save the cash to move by September 1st. I saw an awesome place that I'm sure will be snatched up before I'm able to pay for it by myself. It's just one disappointment after the next, and I'm wondering when will the stress and strain ease up...

It was me and Leo's two year anniversary of meeting on July 4. It was a chance encounter. I was waiting for the bus for hours after coming back from the Taste of Chicago fireworks in 2007, and it was two in the morning before I was finally able to get on a bus. He was just getting off of work. I remember thinking he was someone I'd like to talk to, and I did. He had some role playing game book I asked him about that I thought was cool, and we talked for the whole bus ride and traded instant message names. I don't know why I didn't think he'd IM me, but he did a day later and we began our friendship which would turn into something more. We finally got to be with each other two years later on that same late night. He got us a room downtown at a motel for the night on some spur of the moment shit, and we made love all night. That's what I would have to call it, making love, not just sex. Every part of my body was on fire and I was truly in the moment. We slept so soundly in each others' arms, and continued the love making in the morning until I had to run off to work that afternoon. I thought things had finally improved, but things didn't change that easily. I still don't see him when I want to and we didn't talk at all or communicate until today over twitter...

I wanted to vent to him about my frustrations with my money situation and feeling stuck him over my mother's house for the time being, and I couldn't cause I couldn't really get in touch with him. It made me so sad...It's like I better just learn to cherish the moments I do have when he can be so passionate and perfect. These moments are so few and far in between now that all I can remember is the bad shit. The shit he put me through...the countless yo-yoing...as if my life wasn't already erratic enough...he had to display the same behavior. I want shit to work out in my life, but this is one of those times right now where it's about the trials more than the tribulations. I'm just anxious to see my pay off. I've been working so hard in summer school to get ahead and working as many hours as I can to get my own place, and it's like I have minimal support. I need some encouragement. I need someone to believe in me, and right now I feel like I'm in the wilderness all alone, fighting to live another day...and there seems to be no end in sight...

"...my happiness with human beings is so precarious,

my confiding moods rare, & the least sign of disinterest is enough to silence me..."-- Anais Nin

Lonely Again

I've never felt so lonely. Again you realize that all you have is yourself. You have to love yourself more and take care of you before anybody else. I know what I have to do. I gotta keep pushing forward, and don't turn back.

The apartment search has just really started off. I can't wait to finally be in my own space and doing my own thing. Maybe this time I'll focus on the things I use to love doing i.e. writing and reading. I'll have minimal distractions.

I can focus more on my school work. I can travel abroad and then go to grad school without anybody holding me back or weighing me down. Free, a bit lonely, but floating on forever...

Dear Leo,

I'm ready to give up, call it quits, throw in the fucking towel. It shouldn't be this hard. All I want is to laugh with you, to sit with you, to enjoy your company...but you also make that an impossible feat sometimes. It feels like you've been avoiding me. When I finally told you how I felt, you said you were tired and can we do this later?...three days later...and we still haven't talked about shit. Do you want me in your life? Because I'm about an inch away from walking. You're burning the bridge you could have remained using to walk over the dangerous currents.

I feel like I'm being put last in your life. Primary my ass... You've had the title as long as you've wanted it. I am not something you pick up when you get bored and want to play with. We're in a relationship, on the eve of our official six month anniversary and two year anniversary of knowing each other, and I've never been so put off. You've put me through so much, and I can't just put all the blame on you either, because I know I put you through some stuff with J whom I still love. I told you to get use to it, and you had to cope. But that's in the past, and I wanted a long future with you.

I wanted you to be my number one and let me be yours. I still feel like I'm something to be ashamed of once in a while. We aren't communicating anymore like we use to. I don't know what's going on with you and your life or your job. Don't think I don't know about you and Marissa, and how you two still have feelings for each other, and you're getting over that,but I feel like a little nerve in the back of your brain...something you try to forget once in a while and come back to. You leave long enough, and I'm gone. You had your chance to be with someone special. Someone who is just as scared of the things you're scared of, believe in the same things that you do....and we've spent enough got damn time, drama, and heartache to get to where we are now, but I refuse to allow myself to feel this way. I can't keep doing the back and forth thing like Marissa. I'm not Marissa...I'll never be her...and if you can't accept or acknowledge me the way that I want to be acknowledge like I deserve, then I'm leaving. You don't have to worry about chasing me or calling me, or whatever, because I'll be gone...You won't have to end up like "those other guys" a ghost of the past...you'll just be gone indefinitely from my life. I don't need the drama or heartache, especially at this time in my life when I'm still trying to make something of myself. You should want me to be happy...and more importantly...you should want to be happy with me. If you don't want that, if you don't want to be with me like you said you would, then you say it as soon as possible so I can get over you and move on with my life. I don't have time to wait around for you. I love you, but I love me more. I need to take care of me. Move over if you can't help me do that.

Sincerely,

Heart Broken in Chicago