The Life of a Bohemian

Checking in

2010-06-12T21:22:00.000-07:00

Still together. What now? He's not here. He's hanging out with his friends and all I want is for him to be by my side. Sometimes I think what I feel for him is some kind of obsession. It won't die down. It won't go away.

We need to have another conversation. I need to know where we are going and how he feels about us. God, but I'm so afraid of bringing up the conversation with him. What else is there for me to post about. This is all I think about. I hate sleeping alone on the weekends.

It's been a long time...

2010-04-23T21:38:00.001-07:00

...since I posted on this thing. Looks like someone spammed up my last post. I'm starting to think that maybe I should just delete the damn whole page.

But yeah, back to my life... I'm still with Leo, and he still doesn't know what he wants–– but I know what I want. I know how much I'm in love with him even after the three years of torment and confusion he put me through. After the tears and heartache and lying... But now he practically lives with me. At first, I figured that he came over so much because he was trying to get his life back together. But he had a job at an IT company making a salary. It seemed as if he was getting back on track, and he wanted to work on our relationship and continue where we left off. But now he has been fired from his job. It surprised the hell out of me, but it gave him more energy. He saw the loss as an opportunity to start anew. Maybe he could find a better job than the last. Maybe, he could figure out how useful he was to the world.

He took it upon himself to clean up my place and cook me dinner each night after he got laid off. Even his sex drive increased. Our intimate moments together were so passionate. I don't mean hot porn sex or something, but real intimacy. I loved it. I loved him holding me at night, I love seeing his face every morning and smelling his strong scent. Our clothes are mingled together in my closet, and his toothbrush sits next to mines. But after being turned down in an interview and receiving very few call-backs from his job hunting, he has lost his confidence. The sex has disappeared and he didn't want to leave the comforts of my home. I made him hang out with his friends today, but I miss him.

Once you get use to sleeping with someone, it's hard to get out of that mode. I love him to death, but I don't want him using me as a comfort pillow. I know he's probably still seeing Marissa on the weekends, but I'm learning to be fine with that again. I realize she's a part of his life and I want him to be happy. I want us to be happy together. I truly believe we are good for each other, and we deserve to be together. I don't think I've ever felt this way about a man before. I have the urge to settle down with him. I want to make a home with him, and even though one of my plans was to teach English somewhere in Asia. But I don't want to leave Chicago if it means leaving him. I told myself that if things go well with us this next year, I would stay. So we shall see if things work out well for us. Apparently we aren't "officially" together, but we are in every sense of the word. From spending all of our time together, to intimate moments, etc...

I'm so happy to have him around me. I don't want a life without him.
I'm currently trying to finish school and get my career off the ground, but it's been hard for me to focus on one particular thing. I'm still thinking about getting a grad degree in Library Science, but Leo would like for me to follow my original goal to be a freelance writer and photographer. But I'm not too confident that, that would help me pay the bills. I want to freelance on the side and library science could be my steady bread-winner. I could probably just do freelance indexing while I'm writing articles and doing photo shoots. Maybe I can get my own studio. I don't know. I'm only 20 so I still have some time to get it together. We both are trying to get it together, and I know it won't be easy. In my new dream future, I want us to get a condo together. He'll be working some IT job that pays at least 50-60k a year while I'll be the freelance artist/writer. My locs would be long and I would be slim and beautiful. He'd be invited to go to his boss's house and he couldn't help but brag about my successes. Maybe I'd have a photo gallery opening at the Museum of Contemporary Art and one of my articles would be featured in The New Yorker. When I'm not working on an article or some photo project, I'd be doing some freelance library work and working on my novel. I want him to be proud of me. I want to be proud of me! And I want a stable life with him; that is my new dream.

Jealousy

2009-08-05T22:38:00.000-07:00

I'm finding it hard to control my jealousy. It's the fact that Leo hangs out more with his friends then me. It's the fact that his fucking ex girlfriend sees him more than I do, and I have a strong feeling that something is still going on between them. I'm finding it hard to keep my composure. So he told me he was busy today, and now I think he's at a party. I'm so upset. I wanted to spend some time with him, and he's at a fucking party? Does he not want to spend time with me? I feel so worthless and self conscious about myself. It really is like what the fuck now. I seen him for like an hour and a half today, and then just to send him off. I probably won't see him for the rest of the week...and then maybe hope to get a few glimpses of him next week. His birthday is next week. He might be going out of town for that weekend next week. When will my time come? When will I be important enough to take some time out of his busy fucking day to come see me and spend time with me. I'm so hurt by this right now. I'm always asking, and I hardly see any results. I'm working my ass off, and it would be nice to have my boyfriend around to talk to and relieve some of my stress. But no...I'm sitting at home for another fucking night alone while he goes off to have his fun with whomever. It's like fuck her for right now. Who cares about her...Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.

Friends: How many of us have them?

2009-08-02T09:18:00.000-07:00

I once thought I had friends I could depend on, lean on. I put so much of my hope and dreams into them just to have it all thrown in my face. This is a harsh taste of reality, and a sign that I'm growing up some people would say. Friends grow apart, and life situations change. Sometimes you grow up, and realize you're not the person you use to be. And that person you use to be, doesn't necessarily go with the present. Friends leave you. They come and go like lovers. I thought friendship was supposed to be forever, and lovers come and go, but it's all the same. For me, there has always been a very thin line between a friend and a lover. I loved my friends so fiercely that I would fall in love with them, and sometimes get into petty arguments and become jealous if they didn't give me the attention I wanted. I thought more highly of my friends then my lovers, whom I couldn't open up and give my heart to. But friends break hearts too.

Things have changed now. All I have is my lovers. We make love occasionally, hang out and talk about any topic of the day, but I'm strangely lacking friends at the moment. That part of my life seems so barren. Maybe it's a phase I'm going through at the moment, but now I don't trust as easily as I use to. I'm more cautious about who I spend my time with. The after effects are lonely ol' me. My lovers are at work trying to get themselves together, and all I can think about is myself. I want my time. I want to be loved and held and talk about shit going on with me. I want them to pay attention to me. I'm tired of feeling this way.

With school around the corner, and I might be getting ready to move if I'm approved for this apartment, there won't be that much time to hang out anyway. Maybe this is some type of people detox the universe is telling me to go on. I need to be selfish and focus on me, and I'm associating myself with people who have to do the same thing. But I'm lonely. I shouldn't feel lonely.

Laying in Ruin

2009-07-29T12:03:00.000-07:00

This summer was supposed to be about me getting my life situated, but it's been a mess. Fucking chaotic. I've lost friends and I've gained lots of time alone. I know I'm at a stage in my life where it's about me focusing on myself and my career. But all I want to do is hold on to the relationships I have left. It's a constant tug of war, but I know I must let them go, and if it was meant to be, they'll come back to me.

I've been having lots of money issues recently. Basically shit with financial aid. I've been thrifty with my money this summer since I've been saving up for my own place. It looks likely now, but I'm hoping this place doesn't sell before I can go up there and turn in my application. This apartment hunting business has been an eye opening experience, cut throat, and brutal. I was going to have a roommate, but when we couldn't find a place we both agreed on, in the end, that fell through. So I decided to work some more and save up for a studio. In the end, that's the best thing for me anyway. I wanted to have something that was mine. No one elses, and I've found a great place in Uptown. It's amazing actually. Big studio, nice lighting, and a big walk in closet for only 565 and includes all utilities except electric. It's three blocks from the El. The characters around the place are interesting, but I like how there's a nice blend there. All different ethnicities, and it still feels like an authentic neighborhood, not too white washed or yuppiesh yet. I'm thrilled to finally have my own place and stay out of my mother's house for good, and when school starts back, at least I'll feel like I'm working on my career. I won't feel like I'm doing anything productive.

My relationship with Leo is still somewhat icky. We're trying, but it's funny how the other woman we use to see poisons our relationship even though we're not even involved with her anymore. She decided to cut us both out of her life, and I said if that was it, then you're dead to me...and she tells him the same thing. Now he's upset cause he doesn't want her to hate him, but I'm sure it's nothing he can do about it now. There's too much bad blood, and she still thinks that he chose me over her.It's whatever. I just want to have my relationship with Leo, and have it work out. Meanwhile J has been there for me through thick and thin, and I love him for that. Even after the crazy drama that is Leo and this other woman, he's always there when I cry and feel down. Not to mention the mind blowing sex we have. I just want successful relationships, a good job, and money to pay all of my bills. -sigh- I am trying. I'm trying my best, but I don't have as many people to depend on like I once thought I had. I feel like I'm fending for myself sometimes.

Some Yo-yoing shit...

2009-07-06T21:03:00.000-07:00

Some of my immediate plans have been turned upside down on its head. One thing is the apartment situation. I'm completely on my own with it, and I have to work twice as hard to save the cash to move by September 1st. I saw an awesome place that I'm sure will be snatched up before I'm able to pay for it by myself. It's just one disappointment after the next, and I'm wondering when will the stress and strain ease up...

It was me and Leo's two year anniversary of meeting on July 4. It was a chance encounter. I was waiting for the bus for hours after coming back from the Taste of Chicago fireworks in 2007, and it was two in the morning before I was finally able to get on a bus. He was just getting off of work. I remember thinking he was someone I'd like to talk to, and I did. He had some role playing game book I asked him about that I thought was cool, and we talked for the whole bus ride and traded instant message names. I don't know why I didn't think he'd IM me, but he did a day later and we began our friendship which would turn into something more. We finally got to be with each other two years later on that same late night. He got us a room downtown at a motel for the night on some spur of the moment shit, and we made love all night. That's what I would have to call it, making love, not just sex. Every part of my body was on fire and I was truly in the moment. We slept so soundly in each others' arms, and continued the love making in the morning until I had to run off to work that afternoon. I thought things had finally improved, but things didn't change that easily. I still don't see him when I want to and we didn't talk at all or communicate until today over twitter...

I wanted to vent to him about my frustrations with my money situation and feeling stuck him over my mother's house for the time being, and I couldn't cause I couldn't really get in touch with him. It made me so sad...It's like I better just learn to cherish the moments I do have when he can be so passionate and perfect. These moments are so few and far in between now that all I can remember is the bad shit. The shit he put me through...the countless yo-yoing...as if my life wasn't already erratic enough...he had to display the same behavior. I want shit to work out in my life, but this is one of those times right now where it's about the trials more than the tribulations. I'm just anxious to see my pay off. I've been working so hard in summer school to get ahead and working as many hours as I can to get my own place, and it's like I have minimal support. I need some encouragement. I need someone to believe in me, and right now I feel like I'm in the wilderness all alone, fighting to live another day...and there seems to be no end in sight...

"...my happiness with human beings is so precarious,

2009-06-22T14:49:00.000-07:00

my confiding moods rare, & the least sign of disinterest is enough to silence me..."-- Anais Nin

Lonely Again

2009-06-21T11:28:00.000-07:00

I've never felt so lonely. Again you realize that all you have is yourself. You have to love yourself more and take care of you before anybody else. I know what I have to do. I gotta keep pushing forward, and don't turn back.

The apartment search has just really started off. I can't wait to finally be in my own space and doing my own thing. Maybe this time I'll focus on the things I use to love doing i.e. writing and reading. I'll have minimal distractions.

I can focus more on my school work. I can travel abroad and then go to grad school without anybody holding me back or weighing me down. Free, a bit lonely, but floating on forever...

Dear Leo,

2009-06-19T23:14:00.000-07:00

I'm ready to give up, call it quits, throw in the fucking towel. It shouldn't be this hard. All I want is to laugh with you, to sit with you, to enjoy your company...but you also make that an impossible feat sometimes. It feels like you've been avoiding me. When I finally told you how I felt, you said you were tired and can we do this later?...three days later...and we still haven't talked about shit. Do you want me in your life? Because I'm about an inch away from walking. You're burning the bridge you could have remained using to walk over the dangerous currents.

I feel like I'm being put last in your life. Primary my ass... You've had the title as long as you've wanted it. I am not something you pick up when you get bored and want to play with. We're in a relationship, on the eve of our official six month anniversary and two year anniversary of knowing each other, and I've never been so put off. You've put me through so much, and I can't just put all the blame on you either, because I know I put you through some stuff with J whom I still love. I told you to get use to it, and you had to cope. But that's in the past, and I wanted a long future with you.

I wanted you to be my number one and let me be yours. I still feel like I'm something to be ashamed of once in a while. We aren't communicating anymore like we use to. I don't know what's going on with you and your life or your job. Don't think I don't know about you and Marissa, and how you two still have feelings for each other, and you're getting over that,but I feel like a little nerve in the back of your brain...something you try to forget once in a while and come back to. You leave long enough, and I'm gone. You had your chance to be with someone special. Someone who is just as scared of the things you're scared of, believe in the same things that you do....and we've spent enough got damn time, drama, and heartache to get to where we are now, but I refuse to allow myself to feel this way. I can't keep doing the back and forth thing like Marissa. I'm not Marissa...I'll never be her...and if you can't accept or acknowledge me the way that I want to be acknowledge like I deserve, then I'm leaving. You don't have to worry about chasing me or calling me, or whatever, because I'll be gone...You won't have to end up like "those other guys" a ghost of the past...you'll just be gone indefinitely from my life. I don't need the drama or heartache, especially at this time in my life when I'm still trying to make something of myself. You should want me to be happy...and more importantly...you should want to be happy with me. If you don't want that, if you don't want to be with me like you said you would, then you say it as soon as possible so I can get over you and move on with my life. I don't have time to wait around for you. I love you, but I love me more. I need to take care of me. Move over if you can't help me do that.

Sincerely,

Heart Broken in Chicago

Growing Up is Hard

2009-06-12T09:05:00.001-07:00

I've taken part in some new adventures in my life this summer. I got a a new job at AMC theatre and going full time at community college this summer to get my science requirements out the way. I'm also taking a Belly Dancing class which is increasing my confidence greatly. I'm even walking differently, because you know dancing is only walking, but doing it in a different way. I've been learning to except my body. Along with that, I've just started dreading my hair. So this time next year I hope to have some nice beautiful dreads, and maybe become a better belly dancer. I've been taking everything in strides and making some pretty important decisions in my life. This year has been about commitment and balancing things. My love life and my work life keep colliding with each other, and there has been some strain with my current relationship with Mr. Leo. He's going through similar things with his career. He's not feeling pleased with himself or the way his career is going, and I'm stuck on the sidelines hoping that I could at least ease some of that suffering. Instead I'm looking on helpless to stop him from entering this black hole. Overall, it's just been really hard. I'm trying to get my career started by finishing school, working as many hours to get my apartment before school starts, and trying to get in shape and learn to be more confident in myself. Now I have a whole other person to deal with. There has been a lot of growing pains, but I'm so committed. My decision to get dreads shows a another commitment I'm willing to take, and finishing school, yet another commitment. I've learned that growing up is about these commitments and how we choose to handle them in a patient and mature way is the key to being a successful adult. Prioritizing your commitments, admitting you were wrong..etc. I want things to work out smoothly. Don't we all.

JET Programme

2009-06-02T20:19:00.000-07:00

I've definitely been thinking about the JET Programme a lot lately. I'll be graduating from college early, and I believe it's time to start thinking about this right now. I've decided that Tokyo would be awesome, since I've always been a city person. I'm sure practically every JET participant would want to go there too, or Kyoto or Osaka...so I've been researching cities and suburbs near Tokyo. I came across historic Kamakura, 31 miles South West from Tokyo, where the statue of Amida Buddha resides and many temples. I think I like the place. There's a beautiful beach where many tourists go as well. I think those would be my two choices for places to be stationed in if I were to be picked for the program, but there's also a place called Ichikawa-shi which borders Tokyo. Maybe I'll pick these two areas and see if I can get one, and take a train up to Tokyo on the weekends.

In other future events, I plan to study abroad in Shanghai in January 2010 for a few weeks studying the art and culture of this city. I'm really excited about doing it. I think it would prepare me for an extended time abroad I believe. If I get accepted to the JET Programme, more than likely I'll leave by July-August of 2011. It makes me nervous and excited. Things I'm doing to prepare myself: Taking Japanese starting in the spring up until I graduate and for the Shanghai trip, taking Eastern Humanities, a prereq for the Shanghai trip. Other than that, I need to start working on my passport. I'm also in the process of moving. I should have a new place by the end of August, and it's like everything is happening so fast! Full steam ahead from now on.

Whales and Oceans

2009-05-24T09:49:00.001-07:00

I had a dream last night where I was walking down an empty city street, and this guy I know from my job asked me if I wanted a ride. He took me somewhere where we were about to sit down and eat, and these two kids moved their lunch away from me. One girl did right away, and another boy was like "don't eat my lunch!"... I started to curse and swear at the little kid. I told him that I wasn't touching his f*** lunch. And the man had to calm me down. He stared at me glaring a bit, and I glared back, and he asked me what's wrong. I said I was angry. After some theater show, we went to this ocean somewhere and saw a winter's sunset. He was telling me how the whole ocean froze over because it was so cold, but I had never seen anything so beautiful. It was a purplish blue as it set, and we walked on the ocean floor. Don't remember everything he told me, but then he spotted a whale under the frozen ocean, and we ran for the shore in a panic, and him urging me to go on and watch out for weak spots in the ice. We made it on the shore just in time to see the whale rise from the frozen ocean and crash back again, and we stared in awe at the magnificent huge creature before us, and set down and watched the sun finally go down.

I woke up smiling from this dream. It offered me some hope for some reason, and I thought that maybe this person has more significance in my life then I'd ever realized. It was like this man had something to teach me, about going with the flow, about anger, and how you have to appreciate life even when it throws you curve balls because it's worth living.

Coming to an End

2009-05-10T21:02:00.000-07:00

I just got back from an Anime convention in Illinois today. It was pretty cool. Got to let out my inner nerd for a weekend with my boyfriend and friends. The end of the con signified a new period in my life sort of. It meant that I would have to go back to the real world of finals, bills, and moving out of residence life. I have to go back home with my mother for a summer and work my ass off to get my own place before the next school year. This summer means being less social then I've become. It's time to be self reflecting and introverted until close to the end of the summer where I can let loose. It's time to lose that winter and new relationship weight(You really do gain weight in relationships >.<). It's time to give up a little bit of my freedom to get further in life.

The relationship with Leo has been great, doing really well then the earlier b.s. at the start. One thing that's bothering me is that all his friends don't know about us. It's not like he is technically hiding it, but he's not explicitly saying anything. We're always together and hanging out, and I think people assume it. The big thing is the age. Even though I don't see it as a big enough gap to be a problem, I think he still thinks it would be in his group of friends since they are older than me. Not all of them by that much. Sometimes it makes me feel like he's ashamed of me, but he has me around all the time. He's spending more time with me, and his once cold demeanor is melting away. He is more affectionate with me and laid back when I'm around. He's changing with me and for me, which he said he would. I didn't ask nor expected him to change. I expected the worse, and he told me, "Lori, I'm going to change for you, cause the way I am now is not working for our relationship." And he did it. It shows me how much he loves me. Even though he gets jealous in our poly relationship and of my interest in other people, particularly guys, he's always working on it. This has been the most adult relationship of my life, and probably one of the most significant romantic relationships of my life, which I have had many in my young years. But I learned much about how I handle myself in my relationships and what doesn't work so well. These things I've been changing. The bullshit with our relationship is coming to an end. We're realizing everything doesn't have to be exciting all the time. We can just relax with each other. There is no need to worry about losing one another, because we have each other. We love each other, and we're willing to work on any rough patches ahead of us.

So here I am tired from the convention and just generally happy to have a strong relationship to support me through my life changes with trying to be independent, getting my new apartment, and working on my career. I feel lucky. Even though I have to take a few steps backwards to realize my dreams, I know that I'm moving forward with every stride. Just have to take a pit stop for gas, and I'm on my way to independence.

Exploring A New Terrain

2009-04-22T21:54:00.000-07:00

So much has happened since my last post, and I can't even begin to transcribe these last two and a half months of confusion, emotional roller coasters and heart break. But I have to start somewhere.

About less than a week after my last post, I became officially involved with a man six years my senior. I've posted about him for some time, but we soon began finally acknowledging our feelings for each other before I knew about his other lover. We met and had all these pent up feelings of regret and embarrassment because of this man. We loved him for years, and we both didn't know about the other. He had decided that having no relationship at all was the best relationship to have because then he wouldn't feel trapped or obligated. He carried on these "non-relationships" with the both of us. The woman and I got to know each other, and then we even formed a friendship around our interests. The main thing we shared was our love for this man, and how we could never pin him down. When she formally found out about us, she was furious. She felt betrayed and hurt, and I didn't know what to do. I wanted to be with him, but I didn't want to hurt her. I knew they had a relationship, but I didn't know if they still had one. I assumed they did after a while since he refused to let her go.

We had then fallen into a relationship with each other. Her and I being who we are, and him being the way he is, we all declared that we were interested and capable of loving more than one person at a time. We were in a sense, always polyamorous. The woman had a deep interest in BDSM. Her relationship with a man named King had been apart of her life for years. She was interested in a relationship with the both of us, and in hindsight, I would say, it was doomed from the beginning. Just because you're poly doesn't mean you should get into a relationship just with anybody.

Me and (lets name the guy) Leo since it's his astro sign, had been building our relationship with each other. After my ex and I broke up, Leo was there for me since he wanted me to be with him all that time anyway. We were, in a sense, a little crazy for each other. Leo and the other woman had known each other for six years prior and were seeing each other romantically for about two and a half years compared to me and Leo's almost two years of knowing each other, and six months of seeing each other romantically at that time, back in January.

In a sense we were going through some New Relationship Energy. We were supposed to be a closed triad to work on building a relationship with one another, but I still feel like we jumped into it so quickly. We got a room and had a threesome, the night we decided to all be together. I kept thinking, "Am I really this weird?" I've always had relationships with more than one person, that conflicted with each other. Just reading my past posts you can see the relationship struggles I have had in the past. But this was new. This was me finally admitting to myself that I am poly. So this relationship I entered in with the two of them turned out to be the awakening I need. I had to think about relationships in all new ways.

But me and the woman's relationship was lacking. We jumped into it on a sheer whim. We wanted to see where this new way of loving would work out in practice, and we both loved him. She fell for me, but I didn't have the same feelings for her at all. If anything, I only had friendly and then at most points, tolerable feelings for her. Her biting sarcasm and ability to make herself appear to be a martyr in confrontations annoyed me to no end. We also didn't have the time to develop a relationship with each other since it was about the three of us, and not much one on one connections, but I believe the main reason the woman and I didn't last was because I felt we were incompatible.

The break up was not necessarily pretty. When I broke up with her, she wanted to sever ties with the both of us. Leo was upset by this and just fed up with her from over the years. She kept accusing us of choosing one another over her, and she felt abandoned. Leo told her if it was over, then it was truly over and you are a ghost to me. He cried on my shoulder that night. Everything happened so fast, and I just held him as he quivered and stained my shirt with his tears. He bounced back though and just wanted to be happy and knew he couldn't be happy with her if she would never get over the things he'd done in the past or our relationship with each other.

We are together now, and I have a lover on the side whom I've known and been involved with to some capacity for almost five years now. Leo is still getting over jealousy issues with that, but he met my lover and accepts him. Things have never been better between us though. We've learned what we truly want and how we really feel about each other. We will go with the flow. I love him dearly, and I feel that we will be together for a long time since we are honest with each other, and that we're both polyamorous people. We don't have to hide or feelings for others, and we are free to act on them and still love each other. It's a great feeling.

Poly me more than one

2009-01-20T11:59:00.000-08:00

As I'm sitting here, I might be losing the one man I know I should be with. I've been living my life and not writing. I don't even know where to begin. There's been so much going on. The older guy left last night and I went over my ex and slept with him again. I wanted to be held. I wanted to be loved. I wanted to be comforted. The other guy did not do that the night he left. We spent the whole day together, and I enjoyed his company since the night he came over. Not exactly. I had a favorite uncle die and he came over moping about his ex lover and how he did her wrong. He said he didn't want to hurt me. He involved me in this non relationship, and I've grown to care for him so much. He can't just push me away like he's trying to do. I'm tired. Maybe I'll write more later.

Fucking Up

2009-01-07T00:38:00.000-08:00

I fucked up again. After breaking up with my boyfriend I got with the guy who fought and won me fair and square. I deserve better. I'm tired of seeing potential in these guys and not getting what I deserve. I deserve the man I'm with. My newly ex boyfriend came back in town and it took me only three days to sleep with him again. What the hell was I thinking. Even though it's not official with the guy I'm with, I can't help but feel like I've cheated on him. Maybe I'm just an attention whore and the person who gives me that attention, I just gravitate toward them. I really love this guy. He's so capable and smart. So what if he hasn't been around me for two days? This is ridiculas. The ex and I will not get together...even after sleeping with him, I still know that to be true. But then why did I sleep with him? Maybe there was some lingering feelings...a goodbye fuck. The sad part about all this is that I don't know if I won't sleep with him again. When I'm around him, I want to kiss him. He's not mature enough, corny, and broke. But he's good in bed and for some strange reason I still wanted to be around him. He cheated on me and Hurt me more than once. He doesn't deserve me. I think I just wanted to have sex. I will not get back with him. There was too much shit I took because of him.

Fuck me and the other guy never said we were exclusive but I want to be with him. It makes me wonder if I can ever be truly faithful. Am I just not a one person woman? Damn. I'm afraid to tell him that I slept with my ex. I wonder what he would say to me. I made so much progress with him. He was hanging out with me so much and we grew so close. I could feel our love for each other grow. I even imagined that we were kind of married the five days that we were together in a row. He kept saying this is what married life must be like. Coming home to someone everyday and having that person wake up next to you. He told me even before that how now he can't stand sleeping alone. He is someone who compliments me. He is someone I want and need in my life. I don't need my ex back in my life like this other man. I've chosen and I can't keep running back to the past and live in the here and now. I need to stop thinking about these imaginary futures. Fuck man. Don't be stupid Lori. There is a reason why the exes are exes. They couldn't provide you with the growth you needed.
They'll stunt your growth. They're lame and not on the same level as you whether it be mentally physically and/or emotionally. I will reach for
the fucking stars. I deserve the guy I'm with. It's about time that I have higher standards. Don't settle for less. Don't just go out with a guy cause he seems nice or because you think you need to be in a relationship cause you're lonely. Settle for more.

The True Intentions of this Blog

2008-12-22T10:53:00.000-08:00

I realize now from reading most of these posts that all I ever talk about is my relationships with other people. I wonder if that will change as I post more on here. Right now I don't think so.
So I'm seeing an older man, intellectual, critical, and distant. Behind closed doors, he's caring, considerate, and dependable. I don't know what to make of it. I know I posted about him some time before.

I'm single again, and reevaluating my past relationships. I think it's best I stay that way and date around...see where this takes me.

::Later Today::

The friend turned lover I thought fit so well with me didn't fit so well. We should've stayed friends. I cried for him more than I cried for any other boy friend. He really let me down, and I blame his age. There was a reason I would always go for the older guys.

The older man was right about my relationship the whole time, and after much reflection, I see that I was in love with the idea of a relationship and our potential then actually him. He was not the right guy for me. As I posted some months ago, other guys were replacements for him. I need someone logical, solid, intellectually and physically stimulating. He was right, and he faught for me. So now that you got me sir, what will you do now? Will my prediction come true about us? Once we have each other, will we become bored and look else where?

Picture Perfect

2008-10-10T23:33:00.000-07:00

Finally Alas! I've been successful! Me and the guy Shawn are now going out. Have been since September 25. We're bleeping happy together, and I see a future that stretches out endlessly...I don't think I've ever felt this way about a guy I was dating the the way I feel about him...oh my gawd...so yeah...more updates tba.

Three Ways

2008-09-25T07:58:00.000-07:00

Finally I got a little action.

Classes as usual, homework, midterms in two weeks, and I blew off all my worries to spend a Tuesday night over this girl's house with the guy I like. We met this girl, lets say her name is A, at a club meeting me and the guy, named Shawn, went to. A likes me, but Shawn, likes her and possibly me, :: shrug :: It's confusing. Sometimes he gives me signals, sometimes he doesn't. Anyway. Basically me and the girl while he slept, fooled around, and we tried to keep it down but sometimes I wonder if he heard us. He slept on the couch, while we slept on the pallet on the floor. It was a pretty awesome night. I had a girl who desired me over all of those guys who wanted her, but I can't get over my feelings for the guy. We spend all our time together and we're so made for each other. I can't say that about the girl. Sure, she turned me on and the fooling around was good, but I never really wanted to get into anything with her because I don't love her...::sigh:: Besides, her and I have been keeping things a secret from what happened that night from him. Right now I'm in the friend category..we're each others' best friend and it would be funny if I told him I hooked up with the girl he likes. So vola...I'm in some deep shit.

I slept over his house yesterday, because we decided to bake some cookies for this event, and while I was cutting out heart shape cookies, he would come behind me and hug me tight, sometimes kissing me on the cheek, and I would just melt. Got damn we fit so perfectly. Whatever. We'll see where it goes.

Venus conjunct Mars

2008-09-21T20:13:00.001-07:00

For people with a Venus-Mars conjunction in their natal charts, the blending of the feminine and masculine energies within is a natural process, although other aspects to the conjunction will tell the whole story as to how this is done. These people possess personal magnetism in spades. They live and breathe romantic/sexual relationships. It is generally easy for them to form relationships, unless the conjunction is severely afflicted. They ooze sexuality, and they are generally quite impulsive with regards to entering new relationships. Relationships are not only important to them, they require a fair amount of excitement, adventure, and passion in their pairings in order to feel alive and vital. With this conjunction, there is generally a pleasing blend of self-assertion and cooperation. This comprises some of their charm, in that they generally know how to assert themselves without stepping on others' toes. In some cases, men with this aspect may be too dominating in romantic situations, and might gain a reputation for being "macho". This is not always the case, however. For the most part, these people are quite direct about what they want in a relationship, and they are quite passionate when it comes to going about getting what they want. It can be a challenge maintaining perspective when it comes to relationships. These people are generally highly creative and are bent on finding outlets for their creativity. Their vitality and warm energy is something that can be felt by others, as if it lies just below the surface.

Alternate, short interpretation: You are extremely amorous and it is difficult for you to go without a romantic involvement for very long. When you are attracted to someone, you pursue them very ardently and sometimes come on too strong. Doing creative work or artistic work can also satisfy the very strong desire for love and beauty that you feel.

Inspiration and Regrettable Actions

2008-09-21T14:37:00.000-07:00

I'm writing a biography on Anais Nin for a writing class here at the College. I bought Henry and June and checked out a few biographies on her. I've fallen in love with this woman all over again and her beautifully poetic writing. Ever since I read her many years ago, I've wanted to emulate her in some way. Her writing style is something I aspire to be able to do with my work; to inspire and move. Her life was something I wanted to live as well. This was the first time I learned about the word Bohemian, and that word offered me so many different possibilities.

So once again like my other entries, I'm still trying to find someone I can love and someone to love me fully and completely. I've come close to it, but not one person has satisified me to the point where I could stop myself from looking any further. I've met a guy on campus whom I believe, I'm perfect for. We're perfect for each other. The world sees it and I think he can too, but I don't know. Our minds work in similar ways and we are of the same elements, air and water. Our friendship is in a cloud of mist and fog from the steam of our passion for each other. I love him indefinietly and automatically put him up there with the people I hope to protect and love for as long as possible. We've been spending large amounts of time together and staying over each other's places, growing ever closer. I rejoice everytime he touches me or puts his arms around me. They're big and strong arms. His hands are twice my size, and next to him I feel small and delicate. He stands over me tall and strong, and I feel safe. I am so comfortable in his presence that I hate for him to leave me for long periods of time, and I get a little nervous.

Gemini sun, pisces moon with an aquarius sun, scorpio moon...can love each other passionately and with little restrictions right? Being around him feels effortless. I know but I don't know if he shares my feelings and my unasked devotion to our friendship. Sometimes I don't feel worthy, and it causes me to flit from one flower to the next, and I avoid staying somewhere for long afraid that I'll be trapped in a jar by mankind and suffocate in the closed, visible confinements, while watching the world watching me die and make my last movement.

My fault is that I over analyze everything. Maybe this is what's causing me so much trouble. Shouldn't I enjoy our friendship and live it out until it ends? I get so caught up in my feelings, I fall so hard and can't get up to the point where it becomes a bit exhausting. I've always been an all or nothing person.

I've been asking people how do they see me. Lately, I've gotten social, happy, flirtacious, the endless capacity to love. I see myself as weak, indecisive, stuck, brooding, and intense. I've been fighting with myself since my childhood to learn how to be open and honest, and I guess it's working. I shut myself off from the world so tight that I couldn't see the sun reflecting through the windows trying to melt the ice. I want to give myself wholely and mercilessly, and I want someone to open their arms and let me stay there and love me for all that is me. No more. No less.

Quest

2008-09-11T22:19:00.000-07:00

My quest continues for love. That sounds corny as hell, but it's true. :: sigh :: I've decided that right now I'm really not interested in dating any guys at the moment, unless old, dark and mysterious decides he wants a relationship with me, but I haven't seen him in weeks, and it's starting to grain on me. Damn how much longer does it have to be before my lonliness subsides. Yet again, no luck with the girls. Maybe there's something wrong with me, I'm starting to wonder.

Classes have been going well. I got a shit load of homework piled on me as usual. There's nothing I can do about that. I've been working, doing the theatre thing, I'm glad I got my articles in on time. Now they're going through other editors and I should finally be able to just put in the corrections and send it off to the designers, and then I'm quitting that job. I hate to do it, but I need time for myself. This is my last magazine with them because I have to focus on my school work and have some kind of social life, finally. I'm starting to fill burned out again. I just got another job today to work in the mail room in the residence hall I'm staying in. Each and every paycheck will be put into my checking account so I can start saving up for an apartment for next summer. Robert and I are moving in together. Then we'll really be a married couple almost. Our relationship is strange at best. Gay men...queer woman...soulmate love. Strange indeed.

The girl I like who lives next to me, confided in me some more about her sexuality. I want her. I really like her, but I'm so scared. I don't know how to make the first move anymore. I'm not as daring as I use to be. So I think I'll end up letting her slip through my fingertips just like I do for everyone I really like and want to be with, or they find a way to slip away from me. I'm starting to think this quest is useless. I'm about ready to throw in the towel and call it quits.

Nana and Love

2008-09-07T21:29:00.000-07:00

I've been watching this anime series called Nana, and it talked about a lot of things that I've been going through lately. Love...falling in love..meaningless relationships. I'm currently in a "non relationship" and I don't know if I can take it anymore. I don't know where I stand with him. He could be sleeping with other women, and it hurts me to think that he is. I hate that I feel this way because of my personal motto on freedom, etc. I've never been exclusive for too long. Maybe it's a fear of rejection, or actually a fear of acceptance. Sometimes I don't like who I am and it's projection mainly on my part.

I tend to like the emotionally unavailable types, and he is definitely one of those. Elusive, cool, collected, and distant from me. But when we're together under warm covers, he kisses the air out of my lungs, and holds me in his arms to the point where I felt like I could break in two...I want him for myself, and I want us to be in each others' arms for as long as possible. He holds me like he never wants to let go. Sometimes I feel like he's telling me he loves me when I'm with him, but I don't know. After leaving him, my heart would feel like it's breaking in two as well.

I'd wake up next to him and he'd see me and smile and I'd smile, the sun would peak through the blinds, and I would feel so got damn happy, until time catches up with me, and the night spells were broken. Those nights of intimacy I figured would bring us close together. It seemed to. I could connect to him and be with him and only him. He would never get distracted. I would be his only distraction, and he could caress me all night and kiss me every time he woke up. I want to so badly, be with him. I realize I must sound like an unsure and promiscuous person from my last inquiries. I have been trying to figure somethings out, but I know I want to be with someone. I emphasis that constantly. I've been trying to find a placement for him, always placements instead of the things, the people I want and need in my life. If we were together I wouldn't wander. I've been trying to find someone else, someone that I could rely on and be with. None seem available or I am unavailable to them in someway. It's a never ending cycle. But I've met my match in him. He knows I need constant attention, intelligent conversations, run from our relationships because we're afraid to get hurt. He is afraid. Sometimes I wonder if he does these things with other women, hold them all night, whisper sweet nothings in their ear, ask them to spend the weekend with them....are you just using me? I want to know so I can act accordingly and stop falling for you. Only use you when I want to feel another body laying next to mines. Just tell me if you feel the same way...I understand you more then you know. We are the same.

Rave Nights and Techno Beats

2008-09-05T23:34:00.000-07:00

I went to game club today after hours grueling over the homework. I saw my new Columbia friends there, and enjoyed spending time with them. They asked me if I wanted to go to a rave. I said, "what the hell...might as well." I had never been to a rave before or the House of Blues. DeadMaus was playing there. Highlight of the night was the remix of Knights of Cydonia by Muse and Harder, Better, Faster Stronger by Daft Punk combined to make this crazy ass techno song. It was fucking nuts. I felt the bass enter my whole body and sweaty bodies surrounded me from every side, and I felt apart of something wonderful. Something that connected me to everyone in that damn room. All the E tripping, drunk, crack sniffing motherfuckers in that room. We all felt infinite. At one point, I felt like I was about to pass out, and that's when I decided I must leave.

The group of us got back at one in the morning. It's good we live downtown because it only took us like fifteen minutes to get back. Here I am tired as fuck, and I'm blogging. ::Sigh:: One thing I've learned about myself is that I have a great deal of self control, and I was on a natural high. I'm too damn responsible for my own good, but I let loose by dancing, and it felt great. Walking back from the rave, we walked over the Chicago bridge and the tall skyscrapers outlined the river. And I thought, for once, I can stay out as late as I want and not have to worry about being somewhere really fast. I could be outside all night if I wanted to, and the fact that I could made me feel good. In the end, hours of dancing wore me out, and I went home dutifully and drug substance free.

I am free from it all.

I suffer from AW

2008-09-04T21:53:00.000-07:00

Attention whorishness....yep...that's what it is.. I think I haven't gotten enough affection...and then I get all cranky and depressed. So during my major slump, the girl I have a big crush on and this guy I sort of liked came over. He kept hugging me, and even came from behind and hugged me and held me close to him. I thought I'd melt. That's what I wanted so much. They both came over here playing DDR in my dorm room, and it felt so got damn magical. I felt like I had been saved.

I had a hard day at work. I didn't feel inspired, and couldn't write a single thing for the article that's due next week. Not a single thing. So instead of being in the office, wasting my life away, I decided to go to the theatre company early and do some work. I rearranged a few words and listened to some music for inspiration, but then I was staring at a screen of words I'd wrote and couldn't decipher them. By then, it was time for the meeting with funders. So since most of the cast of the play is in school, and had other commitments, I'm force to reaudition for the part I had all summer. The director told me that sixty people are auditioning for my role. It made me more depressed on top of my already hefty decline from happy land. But she assured me that I had a leg up and that I was talented, etc etc....then just give me my damn role....I was born to play that role..and I know all of the lines....-_-' Anywho. So after that I came home in the dreary rain, holes in my shoes, socks soaked, and in a foul temper, I cam back to my dorm ready to just crash and burn....

Those two saved me. That girl and the guy. I craved attention, and they gave it to me. So I'm alot happier then earlier today. A lot happier. But I've been thinking about this older guy I've been seeing, and he's a total ass, but I love the challenge, and I think he's into me too, but I'm tired of our non relationship...and fucking around with the ex...I want someone I can be with. I'm tired of being fluid/free spirited....I do have more options...but now I'm looking for an anchor to steady the ship and not let it go off and hit an iceberg.

Depressed...

2008-09-04T18:27:00.001-07:00

...enough said.

Lonely Blues

2008-09-03T20:55:00.000-07:00

I feel like shit.

I feel ugly, unwanted, and just blah. Why the hell can't I find someone who's 100% available that I honestly want. Am I just attracted to the unavailable types? I fucked around with the ex again, and I'm considering doing it again just for the fucking attention. I'm sick as fuck, and lonely. No one has talked to me lately. I have to call them and strike up a conversation. What the fuck is up with that? I feel like a got damn simpleton. What the hell am I good for? Today overall wasn't a good day. I like my Composition II writing class and Gay and Lesbian Studies class...it's interesting...but I'm not...I'm a got damn bore.

I'd like to fancy myself as a modern day renaissance woman, but I'm a fucking poser. Argh..I do realize I'm just coming down on myself a little too harshly, but bah...sometimes I really do feel this way...damn you scorpio moon...damn you...

Work at the magazine tomorrow...I'm quitting...by the first of October so I can focus on school and an on campus job/acting career....I'll miss it dearly...that was like my other family, my life line...but I have to move on and do what I got to do. Right after the magazine job, I have to go to the theatre company and discuss the play we're putting on for the tenth anniversary of Matthew Shepard's Death, The Laramie Project and other gigs for next week....will I ever have a life of my own to just relax? Probably not. Do I want it that way? Probably not. But I would like to know that I can call some fucking body and they would be there to pick up my fucking phone calls and to spoon all night if that's what the fuck I want to do.

Sincerely,

Unloved in Chicago.

New Experiences, More Stresses

2008-09-02T20:56:00.000-07:00

So Today I had Intro to Economics, Intro to Journalism, and College Mathematics.

I thought Economics was very interesting, and I like the teacher a lot. He made the whole class laugh, and basically his class is all about reading a few chapters a week and taking quizzes. So simple.

Intro to Journalism, not so simple. I have a paper due in a few weeks, a few chapters to read, newspapers to analyze each day, and various other things. I thought the teacher was a bit disorganized.

College Mathematics...hate it so much that I can barely stand it. From the moment we get in the class he springs a pop quiz on us to see where we're at. The damn bastard! So I realized how much I sucked at math...woopie...then he gives us like five pages of math problems....-_-' Not happy about that at all. Overall..this was a bit of a stressful day...

Tomorrow I have Writing and Rhetoric II and Gay and Lesbian Studies I which I'm extremely excited about. It won't be so hard on me tomorrow. I could definietly do two classes a day..but this three class thing is killing me already. So I'm almost finished with my math homework, and I'm lucky that the girl I like is really good at math. So she is helping me with a few problems...Tomorrow I have a job interview to work in the mailroom in my residence hall..I won't be too upset if I don't get the job though. I think I'm overworked already, and I have to balance my social life and the two jobs at the theatre company and magazine...I don't know how I'm going to do everything, but we'll see. Right..more homework. I decided to call it quits at 1 o clock no matter where I am on an assignment...I have to wake up at eight to work out with the roommates and then wash up, eat breakfast..etc before a 10:30 class in the morning.

Necessary Work

2008-09-01T21:18:00.000-07:00

Today I went to the theatre company I work for. They gave us our scripts for The Laramie Project and had us watch the HBO adaptation to get a feel of what the play was about. I was moved. Ten years later, things still haven't changed completely. Lawrence King this year, age 14, was shot in his own school. Hate crimes are still at an all time high, and you'd think in 2008 things would've changed. I'm extremely excited to do the Laramie Project and once again I've been reminded of how much I love theatre. I'm sure this is something I want to keep doing in the future. There's nothing like being on stage and feeling the crowd's energy. It's a give and take relationship. What the crowd gives me I give back, sometimes more so. But being someone else, sort of gives me this insight into myself, parts of me I tend to ignore, but I'm now forced to face. It's a humbling and amazing experience.

I have school in the morning. I'm really excited about my Gay and Lesbian Studies class that starts on Wednesday. Some of the required reading is as follows: Toward Stonewall, Before Stonewall, Stone Butch Blues, and America's Boy. I'm sure it will be an engaging class, and I'll learn some new things about queer history that I didn't know before.

Right now, no progress on the girl I like. I still like her immensely, but I feel like a complete idiot around her, and a lot of times I don't even know what to say to her. That's the thing about me. Give me a piece of paper and a pen and I can write you a story, but ask me to tell you a story off the top of my head, I freeze. I can't articulate my thoughts very well. That's always been my weakness. She's so smart, and athletic, and artistic...she's everything and more. Charming as heck. People are just automatically drawn to her and I'm just another face in the crowd. I'm no one in particular. All I have is my drive, hardheadedness, and ambition to see me through. Always a working progress. That's what got me here this far, but I might need more then that now. Maybe I doubt my self a little bit too much.

So I've been feeling the "singles" blues lately. I keep wanting a relationship more and more. I want someone to love me and worship me. Yeah I might be an attention whore that's it. That explains my promiscuity. I want everyone to love me and be with me or something of the sort. I feel dull as fuck lately. Oh well. Time to sleep...class in the morning.

Update on first day of school later tomorrow.

A Poem

2008-08-31T18:27:00.000-07:00

She made me a poem using the magnetic poetry kit I got for Christmas. Each word appeared suddenly, and she proceeded in finding the phrases that spoke to her, and described me. Who am I really... The sentences appeared on the white fridge, adding more life to the blankness. She turned to me with a smile and said, " This poem is for you." and I thought she had filled the blankness in my life as well...

Her nude canvas appears as a masterpiece
composed from concrete passion
never fashioned for the liking of any
a picture hard to capture

The poem commented on my lusty nature and deep need for freedom. I guess I'm not that hard to read. But on the contrary. I'd settle down with you baby...I love her laugh. It sends a warm feeling deep down in me. and when I see her, I light up suddenly, and I wonder, does she know how much I like her? Probably not, I think in my mind. She's oblivious. She denies her true existence, her preference. I should not wait for her to "come out of the closet", but every day I'm waiting. Waiting for her to see me and love me. I want to run my fingers through her long brown hair and watch her close her eyes and enjoy the sensation. I want to kiss her soft lips and and make her sigh gently. I want us to hold each other and not move from the spot we set our selves in. I want so much.

She said she would write me a poem everyday with magnetic poetry, and everyday I will save and savior the words.

Freedom at Last

2008-08-31T00:42:00.000-07:00

This is my first year of college. What are my feelings...

excited. anxious. dreadful.

I think I'd like to take another week off, but it's now or never. My roommate's wonderful, and we get along very well. I met a girl down the hall I'm crazy about, but she's iffy and a closet case. Not a good thing in someone you like.

My room has paper lanterns and Christmas lights hanging on the ceiling, and I feel at home. Parties every night, but by Friday I felt burnt out and stuck to my room watching movies. I invited a few people over and we enjoyed The Kite Runner. I didn't have any problems adjusting until the middle of the week where I start feeling inadequate. Finally I was around people just as creative, artistic, and crazy as I was. How can you stand out among a crowd of people that all stand out?

(Sigh) Be louder I guess. :: shrug::

I'm still stuck with some baggage while going into College. I got a tattoo in Japanese that says Freedom. It was symbolic for me, a new stage in my life. But My ex boyfriend is still hanging around and instead of letting him down, I'm stringing him along. I feel terrible. I tried to stay away from him for awhile. It had been a month since I seen him, and he was determined to see me. Every kiss said "I love you", and he looked at me so tenderly and told me how much he loved me and missed me. He made sure to kiss every inch of skin that he could and held me tightly in his arms. And the whole time I felt like shit. Fucking Shit.

I think I've fallen out of love with him. almost four years of knowing him...a year of loving him, a year of passion and and idleness. What can I say, I felt like I was drowning in mud. Warm, wet, mushy, mud. I had to get out just like I always do. The sick part about all this is that he knows me... He finally has me figured out, about my whole quest for freedom. He doesn't care who I sleep with or like as long as I stay in his shitty boring life and make him feel like we are still in love with each other. The truth is, this butterfly has fallen in love with someone else. He's mature, 5 years my senior, and driven.

I've met my fucking match. He's elusive and smart, witty as heck, and I freaking want him for my self. All of him, and he's like one of the few (out of one other guy) that I felt that I didn't want to share with anyone. He seemed like he cared about me just as much when we were in that motel room in the middle of August. He held me just as close and we laid in each others' arms, kissing every time we woke up or turned that night, and he woke up next to me, and saw me in the morning and smiled. I felt so good. He's so different in the bedroom then when he's outside with me. Suffers from a broken heart. He doesn't try and allow me to get too close to him. The thing is, we're the same type of people. If I did have him and he had me, would we really want each other as much? Maybe being just at arm's reach is what we're really after and never allowing anyone to have us for long is the key to my happiness.

Maybe I'll never be happy with anyone.

I mean I'm in college right? No need to limit myself. But I'm aching for a relationship right now. I want to commit myself to someone and be loved indefinitely, but I'm afraid of getting in a relationship and screwing shit up like I always manage to do.

Back to school.

My roommates sleeping right now, it's three o clock in the morning and school starts in a few days. Economics seems promising -_-'' Intro to Journalism a bit more so...not excited about that college mathematics class...and all three on the same day _-_ what was I thinking?...

Long Time

2008-07-28T02:04:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged in forever, but at the moment, I think I've found my interest in astrology growing again. Anything seems possible now that I'm out of High School. I can be anybody. I've enrolled at Columbia College in Chicago, majoring in Journalism, minor in photography. I couldn't be any happier with my choice. I plan on taking Japanese and other classes that can prepare me as a foreign correspondent. I want to be well rounded.

Other highlights in my life so far is my acting career. I'm in a play right now here in Chicago that will be touring in New York in the fall. It's been a crazy/stressful experience. Shows every night...praise..but the rehearsals were maddening. It's all paying off. I am going to be a volunteer/intern at a radio station starting this August working on different audio projects. I've been blessed. I can be anything. I've been doing it all. I was sad at first, but I'm happy again. The magazine is going well, but I plan on quitting it when the latest magazine gets printed. So I can focus on school and this lady at the school offered me a photojournalist position on the newspaper. Not many freshman if any get to work on the newspaper and I'm excited about that.

Now for astrology...I know I want that to be apart of my future.

Education in mind for the future:

Bachelor of Arts in Journalism (Columbia College Chicago)

Master of Science in Journalism (Columbia University)

Bachelor of Arts in Astrology (Kepler College)

Masters in Library Science (Dominican University)

Maybe get certified as a TOEFL teacher....

and I heard there was a masters program in psychoastrology if it ever gets accredited that is XD

Sounds like a lot...and debt for the rest of my life yeah? I don't want to stop going to school really..I want to be as knowledgeable as possible about many things. I want to see the world and learn more.

I want to do the JET Programme and teach English in Japan
and I want to join the Peace Corps and serve somewhere like Thailand or China
This is my dream, but I believe I can do it all. I really do believe that.

Well those are my plans and a brief update for now.

Free Agent

2008-03-17T12:24:00.000-07:00

I've managed to cut off my hair finally, and now I'm doing the natural thing. Mom doesn't like it, but I do. It makes me feel freer. I've also decided to break up with my boyfriend. Haven't done it yet, but i've continued to start dating around. I've found out that at this point in my life, I'm just not the type to be in long term relationships, and I want my freedom. I love my freedom, and I love the drama in my life. So i'm making plans and I'm feeling more alive.

Break Up

2008-03-10T07:46:00.000-07:00

I think I'm going to break up with my boyfriend. Twist there eh? It's not going anywhere, and I am. He's gotten stuck. I don't want to be stuck with him. I'm ready for a change..a real change.

A Proposal

2008-02-29T19:33:00.000-08:00

This guy(born female) basically asked me to marry him, not going to get into the political nohows of it all. I told him that I would never get married, and he said I would if he asked me. I offered him a proposal. If we are still in touch when I'm thirty and I have traveled and worked off my youthful energy, I would marry him. It's a distant proposal, and what's the likely hood that it can happen? The whole idea is so romantic, and now I have something that will make me feel happy when I'm down. This proposal means more to me then he might think. It's funny because everytime we meet, I'm involved. I told him that I will promise not to be involved around that time, and we must find each other across time and space, and be together. Gosh...it sounds so romantic. Don't you think?

He said he done it before. We hadn't seen each other for a couple of years, and out of nowhere, he found me again, and I had felt so confused because I was in love with the man I am with now, and this man loves me. I'm being unfaithful, and I know it. I've been contemplating on whether or not I was going to go to Ohio to see my future fiance?, and it might spark something within me, but I have to go. I have to see where this leads, my destiny?

It's Over

2008-02-27T16:47:00.000-08:00

Robert my old best friend...another victim to the pluto 11th house transit.

Now I really feel alone.

Birthday

2008-02-16T22:57:00.000-08:00

Today's my 18th B-day. Never thought this day would come. Finally I'm an adult...well on paper anyway. Still can't go to 21 and over clubs or drink legally(don't drink so this doesn't influence me) but I can sign things on my own now. ^-^''

Happy B-day to me.

V-day

2008-02-14T12:31:00.001-08:00

For the first time in my life, I have a valentine from someone other than my mother. It makes me happy to realize this. ^-^. I'm going to a sort of party at work for Valentines Day, and I'm bringing him. It's another big step for me.

Also the reason why this day is important to me is that it is a signal that my birthday is coming in three days. Febuary 17 and I'll be legal.

Pluto Transits the 11th house

2008-02-11T22:32:00.001-08:00

Who will survive. I'm losing all my friends. Will I lose the one I care about most of all?

Robert: Lori I just feel really hurt honestly I feel like my best friend doesn't accept me for me and it makes me feel alone. like I have no one

Me: i feel alone too. and i don't know how to connect to you or anyone anymore..the only connection i allow with justin is sex, my ultimate release..i'm being selfish..basically i hate myself..and i don't know if it's a phase or what

Me: i just feel like dying and being reborn sometimes..forget everything and leave

Robert: I can kinda understand

Robert: but yeah...

Robert: I luv u but damn

Robert: I don't wanna feel like that around u all the time

Robert: I mean do I make u feel like that?

Me: I don't like anyone really anymore..i don't accept myself or my accomplishments..so how do i expect to accept or honor anyone elses..i just feel really shitty

Lori Moody: i'm cold blooded..my mom was right..i'm heartless

We got into it. I told him how I hated him, and was mad at him for so many years of caring about him and feeling like he neglected me. I was angry at him for so long, and he felt it before I realized it. It's karma. I'm suppose to suffer this with him. How can I love him, really love him, when he's so distant from me. Sexuality, expectations tears us apart, but puts us together. It's torture. I don't think I want to live through this.

Depression

2008-02-06T15:00:00.000-08:00

I should be happy with the way everything is going. I have a great relationship with my friends and significant other, and somewhat at the moment, financial security. I even managed to get straight A's on my report card. I'm not ugly, I don't think. Even after all this and what I've accomplished, I can't stay happy, and I find myself falling back into a black hole. I can't seem to defeat it. I think the reason is the fact that I'm so involved. I'm always rushing one place or another instead of stopping and enjoying the scenery. I worry so much about getting to the place then the trip on the way there. I want to drop everything right now and just worry about homework and graduating, but I know it's not in my nature. Anyone who knows me, knows how hard it is for me to give up on anything. Just when I think I'm finished for good, I find some hidden energy, and I do this all over again. Day after day. But for what if I can't enjoy my accomplishments.

I Want To Break Shit Down and Let it Die...

2008-02-01T07:50:00.000-08:00

...and birth something new. Ahh..why do I feel so restless?

No Worries.

Long Time

2008-01-28T09:25:00.000-08:00

...since I've posted. I'm ready to graduate. These are my only thoughts lately so I haven't found anything interesting to write about. School's dominating my life. Finished finals, one more semester to go, and obligations to the extracurriculars. Prom and graduation arrangements. Same ol' same ol'.

On the weekends I've been taking a Radio 101 class by the producers of 91.5 WBEZ public radio. They have a new public radio site in Chicago called Vocalo. And basically anyone can submit radio pieces or even use your cellphone to submit a message to the station. We had to sign up for accounts at vocalo.org. It's been fun, and the best class I've taken at my saturday writing class. I've found out that I have a radio voice, and everyone were commenting me on it. So I suppose I'm a bit interested in radio now, almost all forms of journalism, except news anchoring. I might actually want to do this for some time in my life.

I've been a bit rebellious lately, and mom's been trying to kick me out the house. I'm in a constant struggle with myself about just getting out and finding my own way to support myself and college, and knowing that that's ridiculous and that I need her help more than ever. I hate that I need her, and she holds it over my head like my life line with the pair of scissors in her hand. I fucking hate her. It's wrong of me to say that? Yeah. I don't care anymore. Romantically, I'm bored again, and that's not good. Roaming eyes do no wonders. He talked about marriage which scared the shit out of me. Not cool, and I was like ready to bolt. Don't tie me down, I need lots of room to breathe. Which is paradoxical...cause we don't see each other enough as it is. One or every two weeks....and I'm torn between my desire to see him all the time or to just forget it and the strain the distance puts on us.

Typical adolescence.

College

2008-01-16T18:34:00.000-08:00

I've been going through the typical Senior first semester crisis and have been neglecting to post on my blog. This semester is driving me nuts, but it looks like I'm coming out allright, and as usual, I'm worrying too much about things and need to take a breather. Mom allowed me to take the day off, and she said it was about time. Now you know there's something going on when your mother says that. But it was also because I had to get a new permit since I lost the last one. I should be getting my license in April along with hopefully an acceptance to Northwestern and enough financial Aid to cover my expenses, and hopefully it's mostly grants and scholarships and less loans...This year it's all about completion and finally starting over. I can't wait to graduate. Honestly. This semester went relatively fast I suppose, but it's been stressful.

Everyone's trying to pressure me into going to prom. I never considered myself a prom person, always this sort of social outcast, and it was the one tradition I was willing to break, but I believe they convinced me. My boyfriend wants to go. He didn't say so, but I know. He was telling me how he wished he had went to his prom and got a class ring and all that. So maybe we'll go together and it'll be his first prom. I guess that means I have to start planning it. I decided I want to wear black. My mother said I was crazy and I needed more colors. But I've always felt really comfortable in that color. Representation of my morbid personality I guess. I'm also getting a class ring. I've been wanting one of those forever. It's going to be white gold. $400 dollars. Nuts. All the graduation stuff is finally catching up to me. All I've been worrying about is college and financial Aid stuff and maintaining my grades. I have a good shot at graduating with straight A's. So overall this first semester is going to be quite successful for me. I'm so tired though. I need a break. I keep thinking about all the stuff I still have to do and I keep thinking about it instead of doing it, and it's starting to drive me crazy. I'm involved in all these activities and trying to balance school. Lots of times I can sit in a place for two hours going over every task, every single thing that needed to get done and looking at my planner. Imagine a calendar with at least three things written in practically every day of the week @_@''...I try to find time for my boyfriend and he does for me too, cause he's working all these hours trying to go to college in the fall as well. We're always compromising and going a week or two without seeing each other, and it's like I have to schedule him in. It gets annoying. I just want to blow stuff off and be with him alot of times, but then my deeply inbedded responsibility gene kicks in and I tell myself no. Things will slow down by March-April...most likely April..hopefully..but then I have to study hard for AP and IB exams so I can hopefully past em with flying colors and that the college of my choice accepts the college credit in July. Blah..I have to get off and start on this homework and scholarships and stuff.

Tamed Horse

2008-01-10T07:45:00.000-08:00

I've never wanted a romantic relationship to work as much as this one. Every day we're apart, I count the days, and almost every minute of every day, I'm thinking about him. At first, I was doing exactly what I had always done, when things got too deep, I run away. But I feel safe, and I've committed my self like I never had before. I love him so much.

I've been having a horrible week since I've been back in school. Some things got stolen from me at school, and my grades are going down. I don't know if I can get them up to the way I want them to be. I'm worried about not getting in to college, and being denied for financial aid. The pressure is building up on me, and I'm not sure if I can handle it anymore.

So I had a weak point yesterday. I broke down and retreated in the dark, under the covers, and I let the t.v. blare. White and fizzy. The volume was on 5, but it was so loud. Everything was loud. I'm seeing him today and he promises to hold me close and to always try his best to make me happy. I deserve to be happy. I can't allow my depression to ruin everything I've worked for.

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

2007-12-30T21:45:00.000-08:00

I spent time with my boyfriend Saturday after not seeing him for a week. We had to leave each other, and I was sad for a while.
I went to the movies with my friend later on that day, and we hung out before and went to this nice Thai restaurant that had tea lights at every table and cheerful waiters that took our orders right away. I had the pad thai and some hot tea. He had soup and another dish with rice that I've forgotten the name of. There was a long conversation about politics and global events before we went off to the movie Atonement. I always loved the way he made me think. His philosophy on life seemed familiar yet quite pessimistic. We finished the tea. He paid for it all.

There was a lot of hype about the movie getting seven golden globe nominations and all, but it stretched on and on, but by the end, it made me so sad. There wasn't really a happy ending for the lovers. They never got the time to spend together as they should before they died. My friend said, "There's no hope for real love in the world". I disagreed. People find their true love and are with them their whole life. I wanted to believe in happy endings. On our train ride home he talked about the girl of his dreams, how she didn't feel the same way for him. I thought maybe she didn't know it. He said she must know, but I just don't think she feels the same way. He said how he only wanted to be with her, no attachments, no titles. Just be together and love her, and that's all he wishes for. I was jealous of this mystery girl. Jealous that someone can love so deeply and purely. But it was all wasted, and he felt that it didn't matter if you loved someone unless they loved you in return. I understood that far too well. It hurted me to see him that way. In that moment, I wanted to love him. To show him that love can still conquer all, how it feels to be loved in return with just as much intensity. But it was forbidden. Always that wall. Obligations. I'm with him. How I love him.

I talked to my love on the phone today. We're always talking on the phone mostly, then face to face. I told him how I missed him and he wanted to see me today, but some things came up. There's always something coming up. How about tomorrow. No I'm busy, how about thursday. No...next week..I told him I was frustrated. Aren't you? The truth? Yeah I am but I try not to show it. I'm lonely when you're not here. This is a long distance relationship.
He's right. This distance. It's funny how my only successful relationships with people have been long distance or with emotionally distant people. Must be a venus twelfth house thing. I miss him like hell. Can love conquer all?

Great Russian Novels

2007-12-23T17:28:00.000-08:00

All the variety, all the charm, all the beauty of life are made up of light and shade- Tolstoy's Anna Karenina

I've been depressed as fuck lately. All of my plans for the holidays have been in disarray. Dad was angry this weekend because of financial problems, and he took his anger out on me. Came early while I was at the Kill Hannah concert yesterday that I was enjoying greatly. I had to leave before it was over. Devastated. Just fucking devastated. This whole week, one disappointment after the next, and now it's winter break, and I'm screwed and loaded with homework and scholarship applications and blah blah. I think I might just say fuck it all and stay in bed all week reading Anna Karenina.

Winter Warmth

2007-12-17T18:38:00.000-08:00

The magazine came out Saturday, and I was at the release party enjoying a relatively modest fame among the inner circle of young writers. There was a snow blizzard, but it was warm inside. Tea lights winked and the mahogony counter tops sparkled under the dimmed lights.

I don't have a break. Even with winter vacation coming up, they've piled on me several essays and a few books to read. So I've figured this won't be the time to lay around, but a time for me to improve my self all around. I've been laying around too long moping and hoping that things will get better with school and my mental health. I looked at my solar return chart. It explained why I'm starting to feel the way I do. Ascendant is in Cancer, moon in the first house. If there was ever a time where I wanted security in my life, it'd be now.

Letting...

2007-12-09T20:33:00.001-08:00

Damn't I'm high strung. Can't come down from this obessiveness. I want to relax and go with the flow, but I'm fighting it still. I can feel fate laughing at me cruely. Haha. Fuck you fate!!! Fuck you!!! I need winter break to come and release me from the tension. My home life, school, friends..Deadlines, homework's due, tests...What I really want to do is lay down and absorb myself in my books or my lover's warm embrace and whisper my heart's poetry in his ear. I want poetry, I want words, I want peace...I don't want to live here anymore. The problems between my mother and I have been increasing steadily. She told me with as much contempt as she could muster that she hated me, and the very sight of me sickens her. I always thought she saw my father in me, and that's why she never liked me so. I'm so much like him that I believe that's the reason I can't get close to her, or maybe it's the fucking way she talks to me. How she can break down my resistence with a few chosen words, but she doesn't have me beat. I'll make it out. Six months left behind these cold brick walls, behind closed doors, and I'll be out for good. But first, I need to learn to not let my stress take over and let it be the only thing I think about.

A Classic Love Triangle

2007-12-05T08:53:00.000-08:00

Turn of events, I'm involved in a classic love triangle. The person I'm with now is everything I feel like I need. We were downtown at Christmas time, seeing the lights shining merrily, and the Christmas shoppers bustling around peering into the many window displays on State street. It was cold out side, but I felt warm. We held hands the whole way, and I was the proud lioness with a trophy on my shoulder. We strolled among the crowd and they appeared to be moving out of our way as we walked down those busy streets. I felt secure.

The other person, she is my equal in everything, intellect, life experiences...It's like meeting yourself, but mature and more defined. Three years ago we had the most unforgettable summer as we hung out, side by side during a leadership conference in Atlanta. I remember the first time I met her. Saw her across the room. She stood out. The intensity of her nature drew me like butterfly to nector. She was mysterious and it intrigued me. Our eyes met, and we stared at each other for what seemed like minutes.We kissed on a starry night, and passion ran deep.

I ran away that night, fearing the intensity at a young age, slipping right past her and through her fingers. I remember her calling my name. If I had not ran, we would've stayed out past curfew and scrambled through left over puddles from the rain the day before. I remembered how we danced in the rain that day. It poured and poured, but we didn't care. We felt infinite.

On the ride to the train station, I slipped my hand into hers and laid my head on her shoulder, and we stared out the window, loathing the time we would have to say goodbye. At the airline, her plane was leaving early. We thought we would have an hour to be together for one last time and say goodbye to each other properly, but she left before I could tell her...I'll miss you. We gave each other one longing look before she was swept off down the air port among the many people with their luggages, and screaming children. I felt like I had died a little. Sure we talked a bit, but lost touch. She came back into my life just around the same time as my boyfriend had. She was the reason I had left him before, all those years. We're back together again, making it work. During one of our talks on the phone she told me to...leave him, be with me.
I can't. I promised him I wouldn't leave him again.
It's too bad, that you have two people who don't want to share you.
You've made your decision.
She sounded so sad, but I can't let her go or the possibility of what could've been if distance weren't an obstacle, if I weren't involved. I told her I hadn't. I hadn't made a decision. I love him. I love you. He told me he loved me yesterday. I was silent. Instead I asked him...do you mean it? But then I changed the subject, and he allowed me too. I feel so unfaithful. because I have feelings for two people and they both love me. I'm afraid I'll break someone's heart.

Rest and Completion

2007-12-03T12:01:00.000-08:00

I never got a chance to say high to November properly. It slipped past me. The days blur into jumbled images. Can barely remember yesterday. I've been with him for a few days it seems, rather than a month in simple bliss, I am in love? The days are the same, and they are normal days. I was so afraid of routine, stability. He calms me, and makes me want to be faithful.

I've been prone to sleep in quite a bit lately. I get up at the sound of my alarm clock, force my self in the bathroom, the bright lights glaring down, and a temporary blindness ensues, attempt to wash my face, brush my teeth, and I'm off to school, yet another day. I'm sleeping these days away now, going through the steps of living. Laying under my warm covers melting in to feathers and no concerns. At ease finally, more than I had been since the school year started. I've finished my college applications. They're sent off, waiting for that reply sometime in January. January I'd have to decide my fate. It's been an incredible weight lifted off me. The magazine is done. I held the proofs in my hand last week, and I cradled it in my arms as a new born infant love child, as my good friend said from the magazine. It's too bad he's in rehab, I missed his wit and insightful prose poetry. I felt the pages at my fingertips. Joy. I love my job, I'm loving life. I feel like my fiery, adventerous nature has been tamed for the moment. I am fine with staying in this place for a while before I'd have the urge to move on.

Being a Woman

2007-11-24T08:52:00.000-08:00

::rant::

I've been thinking about what's it like to be a woman. I say it's hard man! You've got certain expectations on how you should look, act, and speak. Many times I break it and I'm met with lots of protests. But you're like, Lori come on, it's the 21st century! Women have more rights then before, there's not that many expectations! Ha! I laugh at you. You raving liberals. It's not true, because still if I want to cut off my own got damn hair there's a problem or some slight negative comment about it. Or if I decided to wear a suit and a tie, I'd get many whispers behind my back. What the hell is she doing? Who cares if I cut it off? Honestly... Why should I have to go through the pain every single morning to comb it out, blow dry it, etc. It be nice and simple just to let it go.

Women will always be second class citizens. No matter how many protests or demonstrations, the majority still believes women are inferior beings who need protection, and it's everyone's fault, and many women don't do anything about it. There's a way women are suppose to look, cute with their little skirts and tight fitting shirts, or something like that... Can't blame it on the men. Too many feminists do that instead of looking at society as a whole. Women allow it, they set these norms to please because they believe that's what the men want. Who thought of the gurttle...women...who thought of foot binding...women... How can this be changed? :: shrug::

Stress Manager

2007-11-21T09:21:00.001-08:00

So I've been thinking about what's the most constructive way for me to manage my stress. With college applications, work at the magazine, and my homework assignments weighing me down, I feel like giving it all up at this point. I've sent in my resignation at the newspaper which took off alot of stress. Oh how I hated it so!...the incompetent staff, the unsupportive editors, being underpaid...no no...I'm glad it's over. Now I have this weird way of knowing when I've pushed myself to the limit...my right foot starts to hurt, and there's this throbbing pain right in the middle that refuses to go away, and it makes it pretty hard to walk on after a while. So all week I've been limping around, hoping that I'm slowing down enough for it to go away, but the pain just keeps getting worse.

This morning my mother and I got into a fight, physical and verbal. The effect of me waking up so suddenly and having her pull me out of bed by the ends of my hair made my head hurt. I packed my shit and got the hell out of their, closing the door pretty hard in my wake. I kept thinking, only a few more months and I'm out of this joint. I told her that I was cutting off all of my hair, which I am. She kept saying how I'd look like a boy, or she'd ask me when I said I wanted to, what, you want to be some kind of dyke or something. >.<. So the reason we got into this little brawl was the fact that she blamed me for her getting a bad grade on her homework assignment, which is stupid. I'm not responsible for her, and I told her repeatedly that I couldn't do everything and always be there to help her or do her papers for her. She signed up for it, why should I be responsible. Every day I think, man I'm going to get up and change myself, be a better person, let go of the stress, but then I get all of these things thrown at me, and it seems so hard. Every got damn day. If I'm sitting around doing nothing, it makes me nervous.
I've taken to reading many more books lately starting with A Thousand Splendid Suns and a book I have to read for Lit, called The Elephant Vanishes. In one of the stories it talked about this book called Anna Karenina and I'm dying to get it. I need a good Russian romance novel in my life I think. Usually that's what I do when things get tough. I hide myself away in good books.
Maybe next week I'll improve...start back doing yoga and such...=/

What I Want and What I Need

2007-11-19T07:44:00.000-08:00

...are two separate things of course. As human beings, we don't always know what's good for us. I'm finding out that the older I get, the more I'm about relationships and how I like to relate to other people. I'm affectionate as hell, with friends, lovers, etc. I need it I want it, I crave it. ^-^ Sometimes I don't even realize I do it and I suppose that people would say I'm some type of charmer or constant flirt, but I don't realize I do it sometimes.Must be in the astrology, and with saturn currently transitting through my 8th house, I'm finding all about my true desires and expressing and defining them.
When I saw myself, I thought, self-sufficient, independent(Double Aquarian) (Scorpio Moon)...but friendships dominate my life and I care about them a great deal, because usually if things are going well in their lives, it makes me feel whole, without it, I'm lost and don't know what to do with myself. I thought being alone is what I wanted and needed, but what I need is stable relationships and lots of love. Lots of love. I'm glad I'm getting that in waves lately. I'm very happy.

Commitment Phobe

2007-11-13T23:02:00.000-08:00

This new relationship has just been wow, even though it's not quite so new, the history is there. I remembered how we idealized those moments where we were laughing as the weather turned warm signaling the approaching summer. I don't remember anything about what I learned in any of my classes, algebra...history..science..all lost to me or the important world events that had taken place during that time. It was just him and me that consumed my memories. Things were great, there was no fighting or arguing, just passion and this magnetic connection that kept us hooked that spring.

It was anyones guess why I left him in July and never looked back. Simply because I didn't want to be contained. I wasn't mature enough. I wanted my freedom, freedom got damn't... and to explore. I was already feeling the need to escape. He had no idea. It was over for me, even before he had a chance to be warned...

Then I met her that summer, my knight of cusp in shining armor, and I rode on the back of her wave of romantic idealistic bliss and found something grand that swept me off my feet for a while. She made me weak in the knees and gave me this falling sensation. I didn't care who saw us. I wanted to be with her. I never got a chance to run. I didn't have a chance to run , because before I knew it, we had to part ways. I was shipped back off to Chicago, and she, to Ohio where we never saw each other again, and I'd think about and imagine the moments we could've had together laying next to each other and filling that empty space in between with another human being. That's when I knew I had to leave him. We talked and had something long distance, but that faded away, and then the memory of her and that short time we had together stayed vividly in my mind and so it was the same for him. It was all I needed. During those months together between him and I, I remember everything disappearing and the months were hours and the days like minutes.

We're starting over. It's a new chapter and finally we're leaving the past behind. We laugh and play together, can talk about anything , and the physical aspect of things is A.M.A.Z.I.N.G. XD. I can't believe how we're so compatible. He makes me very very happy, even for a commitment phobe like myself, I'm in no hurry to leave. Abandoning all of my defenses, I said to him softly...
I believe I'm falling for you.

_There's an extended pause_ He seemed to be in deep thought.

Promise me you won't leave me for someone else.

I wouldn't. I won't leave you...

Can I be trusted?

Falling

2007-11-12T09:17:00.000-08:00

I went to the Northwestern campus yesterday and fell madly in love with it. I never thought I could like a university but their was something about that ivy leaves growing elegantly along the building walls, and the womping willows lightly touching the lake that was surrounded by the university's buildings. There were college students riding their bikes to campus along the path ways. Lake Michigan is right next to the campus, and I could see the sunrise every morning from that view.
Then there were alumns that talked about programs they had to offer and some of the many three hundred clubs established at the university. Of course I was interested in Medill school of Journalism and the international studies degree. They had lots of travel abroad opportunities as well, from Paris to South Africa, and I was sold. Lots of smart kids were there. All of them seemed to have 4.0 gpas or higher with excellent test scores. I couldn't help thinking, damn, that's my competiton? Which made me feel a bit inadequete. Also the price of the place is crazy. $50,000 dollars a year with all expenses. But I love it. I really do.

Unconscious Desires

2007-11-06T11:10:00.000-08:00

Fantasy

Breathing in his scent as we laid curled together under the warm covers made me the happiest I've been in a while. For once, I felt like staying still and not running away. My double edge sword tipped to its dull side showing silver underbelly to the world, glinting brilliantly.
The winds howled outside while the temperature read thirty degrees and declining on the local news channel, after reports on double homicides that took place on the far south side of Chicago. Leaves fell while some lost all fall colors. Their barren branches whipped and howled in the night. Winter weather. I let my desires take over, intimacy, warm hands...Warm. He became my shelter from the elements, and I've never felt more safe, and in that moment, I wanted to stay that way for as long as I could, before life began again and I'd have to say goodbye.

Reality

College

It's confusing, this college business >.<. The over achiever in me wouldn't mind going to Northwestern because it is one of the best schools, or best undergrad program in the nation for what I want to major in. The other side of me wants the freedom that comes with going to Columbia college. I've always loved the artsy vibe and interesting characters. I never did find the whole "college experience" thing intriguing. I loathed it. The sports, the fraternities...eh. If I were to get in to Northwestern, I'd know I'd go. It hurts for me to say this, that I would choose what my mind is telling me over my heart. I'm saying it's fate. Deep down, I know I should probably go the University route. It'll help me achieve something great. I'd have more resources, etc. Going to the other college really wouldn't be a bad thing, just that much harder to get and find opportunities? Stupid decisions. Maybe I'll flip a coin.

Life Path/ Numerology

2007-11-04T12:02:00.000-08:00

Life Path Number #11/2
(Considered a Master Number in Numerology: The Spiritual Seeker)
Your purpose in this life time is to achieve enlightenment. Sometimes this is done by finding a teacher and other times it is a matter of experiencing an number of negative situations that are designed to rid you of toxic emotional connections and clear your karma. If you are a number eleven and seem to be having a rough time then keep in mind that is typical of your number to experience a life filled with mysterious losses and either very fortunate or unfortunate twists of fate.

Part of your trying experiences is the cosmos' way of pushing you into finding the spiritual awareness that you need to elevate your soul. The number 11 path is often called the Path of Extremist simply because you lead a life filled with so many highs and lows. You are often like two people. One life is your public life in which you might appear as an eccentric or unusual character and the other is your secret life, which is obsessed with finding the answers to eternal questions.

You are probably a fairly well educated person who is still looking for answers when it comes to spirituality. One of the character traits of a number 11 is to look far and wide for lofty spiritual answers when often the answer is right underneath your nose. As number 11's can be quite snobbish or proud of their status as a spiritual seeker the universe often presents them with many lessons that serve to challenge their pride. You probably don't fit into society very well and have to do a lot of pretending and acting to survive in a normal job or relationship. You have unusual tastes and may have a bohemian character that is very interested in the new and avant-garde.

Your broad-minded point of view and permissiveness with morals makes you lots of enemies and friends alike. If there is one thing that your friends find frustrating about you it is that you are a bit of a fence sitter. Your ability to see so many angles of a situation often causes you to be indecisive or not to act at all. For this reason many 11's often let opportunities in life pass them by. They are so focused on being visionaries that they forget to pay attention to small practical details. Your sharp intuition and rich understanding of both spirituality and human nature makes you the perfect spiritual counselor. Even if this is not your profession you have probably noticed that others naturally seek out your guidance and advice during a crisis.

You are a very idealistic individual and envision a world in which everyone is equal. For this reason you somewhat dislike the idea of relationships as they mean that one human should be more exclusive to you than another. One of your highest spiritual qualities is to make everyone that you meet feel like they are special and a soul mate. If you are an 11, it is also typical for the needs of your personality to be in constant conflict with the direction of your higher self. You have probably noticed that you get away with a lot less than other numbers. For instance if you do a bad deed, the resulting bad karma seems more immediate. This is because your path is a path of retribution that is about the negation of the self to allow the higher self to be divinely inspired by a higher power.

Sounds about right, smatter of fact, everything it said is true...scary O.o...Oh look at this, it's suppose to determine whether you use your left or right brain more. No matter how I look at it...it's always turning clock-wise, so I use my right brain more I guess.. Left or Right?

Lessons of the Week (Two)

2007-11-04T09:53:00.000-08:00

Nine of / Two of / Six of / The / Knight of /Eight of / Seven of
Pentacles / Swords / Pentacles/ Sun / Pentacles /Wands / Swords

This week, the cards were encouraging me to continue to pursue my goals and warning me that it'll take time to accomplish them and the first step's the hardest. So here I am, I have alot of goals, and I just need to start on them today.

Writer's Conference

2007-11-02T17:14:00.000-07:00

I went to a writer's conference today at Columbia College that inspired me immensely. The teachers were awesome. They were the same ones who taught at my writing class on the north side, and I just felt very happy and comfortable throughout the whole day. The writer and the guest speaker, Audrey Neffengger of The Time Traveler's Wife, was got damn amazing, and she had this sort of airy creative vibe about her. Just awesome.

So I have a free write from one of the workshops at the conference. It's micro-fiction (less then 400 word story). It's suppose to only give you a glimpse and it's up to the reader to interpret the abstracts. The theme was to pick an event/story about a time when you were a hero or did something heroic, so it kind of evolved in to this thing about my past and the current situation with the ex, or now erm..whatever. (See last two weeks posts)Enjoy.

Her heart beats words that are hard to vocalize.
"Hello"
"Hi"
...As shoulders brush briefly. Side ward glances as cars drive by on the 4 way express lane. People pass not noticing. The sun burns red and their is only a brief moment where crimson glows and the longing of late night embraces stay in her mind. The cars during rush hour speed down Pulaski,not noticing brushed shoulders and flushed cheeks. There is another. Unspoken words linger in the air untouched. The sun sets and the man is alone watching falling stars.

Was I a hero? Hah...maybe I thought so at the time or at least, I thought I was doing the right thing. But that went to waste after what was in her(my mind) manifested one night, and the other found out, I guess I turned out as the bad guy. Questions? Comments? What do you think's happening in the story?

One More Time

2007-10-31T18:21:00.000-07:00

He came over dressed in black, mysterious nature, exuding and animal magnetism that made the world stand up and take notice. Tight embraces, and soft butterfly kisses on exposed flesh made body squirm raging home wars inside body's pressure cooker, threatening to pop...hands everywhere, fingers entwined...Shirts laid scattered dead like soldiers of lost battles. My battle of resistance lost. Overwhelming heat bakes interlaced bodies and sensual moments ignite fireworks..

Calm.

In his arms, doubts creeped in, fingers gently caressing, intense gaze stare into my lost eyes, made me forget once more why I decided to run away.

I'm trying this again one more time.

I'll Burn...Burn... baby burn.

Merry-Go-Round

2007-10-29T21:22:00.000-07:00

What the fuck man...So he called me today. I went to sleep practically all day, but I heard his voicemail. He told me that him and and his ex were really through and decided to just be friends and whatever. Fuck him man. Seriously. Once again when I was seriously getting over him, and he wants to pull this shit. Kiss my ass.

What should I do?

Tears Dry on Their Own

2007-10-29T07:46:00.000-07:00

When there's so many bigger things at hand
We could've never had it all
We had to hit a wall
So this is inevitable withdrawal
Even if I stop wanting you and perspective pushes through
I'll be some next man's other woman soon
I shouldn't play myself again
I Should just be my own best friend.
Not fuck myself in the head with stupid men
He walks away the sun goes down
He takes the day but I'm grown
And in your way,
In this blue shade
My tears dry on their own
So we are history
Your shadow covers me
The sky above A blaze
He walks away the sun goes down
He takes the day but I'm grown
And in your wayIn this blue shade
My tears dry on their own
I wish I could say no regrets
And no emotional debts
cause as we kiss goodbye the sun sets
So we are history
A shadow covers me
The sky above a blazeThat only lovers see
He walks away the sun goes down
He takes the day but I'm grown
And in your wayMy blue shade
My tears dry on their own
He walks away the sun goes down
He takes the day but I am grown
And in your wayMy deep shade
My tears dry on their own
He walks away the sun goes down
He takes the day but I'm grownAnd in your way
My deep shade
My tears dry
-Amy Winehouse

I'm done with the current situation. I'm moving on finally.

Meditation to Self Improvement

2007-10-28T10:35:00.000-07:00

So I've decided to try meditation again and stick with it. I just went out to purchase a book on it with an audio cd. I'm feeling the need to improve my self and get rid of much of my emotional baggage that's making me feel stuck. Lots of drama lately.

Lessons of the Week (One)

2007-10-28T09:16:00.000-07:00

(Monday) Six of Swords

Moving On.

(Tuesday) Seven of Pentacles

Reaping the rewards for hard work. (It's about to pay off)

(Wednesday) Three of Wands

Looking forward to the future. Opportunities await.

(Thursday) IX The Hermit

(Self Reflection)

(Friday) XVIII The Moon

Hidden Desires. Secret Enemies.

(Saturday) King of Pentacles

Material Things.

(Sunday) Page of Cups

Finding your muse.

Truth Sayers

2007-10-25T22:03:00.000-07:00

Things were found out today, that shocked me greatly. The ex of mines who broke my heart told his ex girlfriend about the friday night we had our little passionate escapade. He told her the day after, because she had came over to work things out, and she wanted him to be honest. So it explains the way she's been acting around me. I sensed it before my friend told me what she said, and she just wanted to talk to me. She wanted th truth. So we did, and parted on good terms. She was tired of the lies. She wanted to end things after everything came out to light. Which was scary, so I did the only thing I knew best. Laugh, and I laughed pretty hard at the situation. It reminded me of those talk shows or something where the man sleeps with his wife's sister or something. We were mere acquaintances, nothing more, but the similarity between us was startling. I ended up talking to the ex after I talked to her. I told him how I wasn't mad anymore, and I understood why he told me about working out the problems in his life. I felt it was my destiny to live through this, and live through the troubles, I said to him. I needed to figure out what I wanted. But then...he told me...

I didn't regret what happened between us, and never did.

I'm back at square one. Am I stupid? I think so. After years of knowing each other, the flame just refuses to be extinguished.

Past Patterns

2007-10-25T07:47:00.000-07:00

People from the past whom I was romantically involved with keep coming back in my life. It's karma. I left so many loose ends and it's almost like they came to tie up those loose ends. Each one, when they reeneter my life, stir up these strong feelings with in me, and I'm thrust right back into the past and what made everthing so wonderful. I have a romantic soul more than I care to admit.

So this person I had a relationship with in the past Imed me yesterday. This is not long after I just ended it with another ex which didn't get anywhere. She made me want to be with her again, in her arms. I still remember the kiss we shared and me running away, not being able to say goodbye to her at the airport. She went back to where she lived that summer and I returned home. We talked, she's involved, but she wanted to see me, start something new. A problem with her current love, which sounds eerily familiar from the other ex who broke my heart. Haven't I learned anything? But I want this, I must admit. I think I need to relive the past so I can move on. I need to move on. Move on.

Discovering Lessons

2007-10-23T19:21:00.000-07:00

I've resulted to drawing one tarot card a day and meditating on the lesson it has to teach me. Today was the seven of pentacles, hard work coming to completion and reaping rewards. I got paid from the magazine and my teacher wants to submit my documentary I'm working on into a competition, because he said it was turning out really good and it's excellent work. ::smiles::

So I've been thinking about the heartbreaker, and it's taking all of my willpower to stay away. There's something unfinished that's making me uneasy, and I just want to hear him say, I don't want to see you again, even though it was me that cut him off. It should be final, and we should both be in agreement about the end of things. I'm at a place where I can think rationally. Even after all that happened, I still want us to be friends if only that. I can't handle separating from another person at this point. I need healthy relationships around me to feel whole.

Recently I broke up with my child hood best friend of almost nine years about three weeks ago, and I'm still healing. Another breakup will do me in. Probably not, I'm made of tougher stuff, but I've been a passive ass person lately. I feel the need to be shaped again, and with all these decisions about college and all that, it's to the point where I want someone to tell me where to go and when to do my homework. I'm tired of deciding, I really just want to lay in bed and not think about anything. I've still got months to summer, my freedom days.

Mercury is retrograde in Libra, bringing with it a need to evaluate and discuss past relationships. Today might be a good day to do just that.

Fortunate

2007-10-22T20:14:00.000-07:00

Today I feel fortunate, I'm putting somethings behind me and not turning back. Transit. Sun trine Sun until tomorrow. Pretty damn good. I've got opportunities of a life time. I might get the chance to get accepted to Northwestern University, one of the best schools for an undergrad in journalism, because of the connections I've made. I'm scared of the place though, and what if I don't like it? Truly my heart belonged to Columbia College. This weekend and today I was up and the campus, and everything just seemed so beautiful. Dad told me, "This feels like you." I agreed with him for a while, so now I'm not sure anymore.
Today I taught a blog workshop to professional journalists for the McCormick Foundation. Got damn was it beneficial! I got a chance to meet the editor of the San Franciso Chronicle and other big time newspaper employees. One lady wanted to give me an internship over the summer, and guaranteed that she'd pull strings to get it for me. Others were pouring all over me with their business cards saying that they'd offer me a place in their newspapers when I graduate from college. This really feels like it was destined. I am positively sure that this is what I should be doing for the rest of my life. I've never been this sure before.

Also, I met a freshman from my high school at this blog workshop. I never knew he attended my high school, but he's freagin amazing. Our likes and such were so similar and we didn't want to part from each other when the bus stopped. I really feel like its a blessing I met him, and now I have a new best friend to replace the old. I want to hang out with him alot more. The thing is that he's moving to gawd knows where in Illinois, and I don't have a very long time to hang with him. So we'll see. I think it's a start of a beautiful friendship. Overall a beneficial day.

I'm happy.

Waiting in the Rain

2007-10-20T06:47:00.000-07:00

He left my house yesterday, while the winds were howling and a storm was about to set in. On a cold bus stop in the city while the street lights glared down, he picked up his phone. Called. No answer. Voice mail. I'm so sorry, I never meant to break your heart. He says. rambles on. The rain comes, those who look on as the cars drive by can't tell whether its rain or tears that hit his face in the darkness.

Saves message.

I'm stupid...

Erased Memories

2007-10-19T17:47:00.000-07:00

I'm deleting his number from my phone right now.

Shit.. that was hard.

Now, delete everytime he called you...

::looks at option::

erase all...

times dialed...

erase that shit too.

I don't think I'll open up to anyone else ever again.
Over the years it was expected, the mere heat of us getting together burned up all the air in a room. I knew that if we were alone, all bets were off. I wouldn't be able to resist, and I tried. I thought about dead naked grandmas for gawd sakes, but the tension was just too much. One thing led to another. He regretted it. I opened up a part of myself, and it wasn't enough. As he got up and I opened the door for him, he gave me one last desolate look. I stared back willing myself to be swayed. His eyes told me he was sorry. It wasn't enough. I looked back at him, steely eyed. Closed the door in his face, like the heart I had chosen to show that day.

It's over.

Karma's a bitch.

Trees

2007-10-19T11:23:00.000-07:00

Have you heard that there are only two main things humans do?

Grow and Die.

Once you're done growing (In your 20s), you start dying slowly until one day disease or time takes you away. Like a tree continues upward for years until it stops, and the leaves begin to fall and the bark dries up, then the tree is only a hollow of what it use to be. The granduer, the display of brilliant green leaves, disenigrate. Is that all to life?

Live to die, and dying to live?

Comment?

Fire

2007-10-12T07:50:00.001-07:00

I'm about to commit a crime. The other woman, foul. I want to, the danger of it, the secretiveness of a hidden love affair...it intrigues me like nothing else. I can feel the fire igniting, and burning and the red attracts me as a moth is to the light. I might burn if I get to close, but I think that's a risk I'm willing to take...

Later today...

But impulsive actions must be impulsive, and given a day to think about an impulsive act defeats the purpose entirely. The flame dims, not meant to be, and one lost in a fantasy.

Concluded.

Anniversary

2007-10-03T15:08:00.001-07:00

Today reminds of the moment when I met my destiny and how I floated so fucking high that I got stuck up there somewhere in time, when the leaves begin to fall and the weather cools. Late nights and whispered conversations under plastic glow in the dark stars that, for an instant, reminded me of the night sky. How I wished upon those plastic stars hoping that the moment would last, and how time ended up being my worst enemy. There was something so innocent and true about those times where two souls meet. The embraces, the moldings of two bodies where one is lost in the other, not knowing which thought is whose. Have you ever had a moment where there are no thoughts in your head, you feel intoxicated and surreal. This is Magic. True Magic.

Happy 3rd Anniversary.

Disney Lied to Me About Those Happy Fairytale Endings

2007-09-29T19:02:00.000-07:00

The Shit has really hit the fan, and now I'm losing my mind. Seriously.

Well I feel like my life is one big hurricane drowning everyone around me. Most days I want to lay in bed and never get up. I brought every one's mood down with my depressive state, and as a gift to my Comic class, I wrote a sad children's story. It was about a little girl who loved to swim like the fishes. She would imagine herself as if she were a little mermaid and could speak the magical language of fishes. She loves the color blue because it reminds her of the sky and the sea that she loves so much. As she gets older, she starts loving the color black more and soon she wears no more blue. She's grown up and her magical world only known to children, is gone forever more.

I was a jerk for that I know. But then this one guy today during class told me the true Little Mermaid story. Oh, how I was disillusioned! By the end of the fairy tale the prince doesn't marry the little mermaid but marries someone else, she kills her self, and the evil witch murders her father. Morbid...I've become very interested in fairy tales now.

Speaking of disillusionment, comic books are sad things. That's my conclusion, and I'll argue this until my dying day to anyone who would disagree with me. I have an all new take on comic books from this class and they all have some sad thing about them. Like for instance, Ghost World, oh my gawd, so fucking sad. It reminded me of a recent break up I had with my best friend of eight years. It was time, just like it was time in Ghost World. It's in my nature for me to want friends to remain so, I have a history of holding on to bad friendships cause I'm afraid I can't do any better. How backwards am I to value friendships over romantic relationships? I could care less right now. I just feel sad in general. Been thinking about college, and I'm tired of thinking about it. People pressuring me to choose other colleges. You can do so much better than Columbia...why don't you try a University, Ivy League. They don't care about what I truly want. I want to go to a college where I can spread my wings and meet new people. I hate academics. Send me off to an art college. I'm worried about how I'm going to pay for it. All of this is making me wish I were six again and none of this crap mattered. Those were simpler days. I miss my magical world. The real one is getting on my nerves.

I'm coming to terms with the fact that I hate writing poetry. It's just not for me. I can't force myself. I'm a part time writer. I write when I feel like it. Don't know if that makes me less of a writer or what. I enjoy reading more, I like the conciseness of a journalistic piece. I find that alot of times I want to get to the hard cold facts and fuck the imagery fluffy shit. I want to shock and upset people with the truth. I think. I think...I think...tooo much. Don't know what to do with my life anymore. My best friend is moving farther away from me I fear. We were the closest we've ever been in a while this week. I want to stick with him, go to the same college, live together. I don't want to part with him. I feel like I'll fall apart if one more thing changes.

Dad said losing your mind or having a nervous breakdown is to die while still dwelling here on earth. Do you agree?

Depression

2007-09-20T21:23:00.000-07:00

I don't know why I keep having these highs and lows. Right now I feel like dropping out of school and standing in front of a CTA bus so they can run me over, and hopefully back up and run me over a few more times.

Post at a later date...

Stronger

2007-09-11T20:36:00.000-07:00

It's one of those rare days. I felt good and oozed sweet honeyed confidence that made heads turn, because I believed in that moment that I was something special and it showed. In that moment I glowed golden.

Today I thought about everything I've done up until now, and I'm so damn proud of myself. Things turned out as good as they could ever have. It was like the sun was shining just for me. No rising moons. Articles at the magazine are done earlier then the final deadline, and my editor loved them all, no more edits, and I have the best got damn school schedule ever which consists of:
World Lit
20th Century History
Psychology
Photography
Desktop Publishing
and Yearbook
I start my poetry and chapbook class saturday at this organization called Young Chicago Authors. Fucking great place with amazing writers who's shit is even better than most of the other crap that gets published out there. I'm happy that's starting again because this communityof artists support and nuture each other, and you can't help but grow . This place is like my home away from home. I'm there at least twice a week whether it be for the open mics, the magazine meetings, or the writing classes. I'm doing all of these things and it's sad that it's taken me a while to realize how great I've been. (sounds cocky). I don't give a fuck. At the age of seventeen, I've already accomplished many of my goals, to become a writer(and I get paid for it). I've been in a professional theatre production, taken free art classes, completed a few documetaries...and the list goes on... I'm in a community of like minded creative individuals who can hold an intelligent conversation, and amazing friends where I have the most magical moments with that many would say are only told in stories. Why shouldn't I be happy? I'm at the crossroads, between adolescence and adulthood, and I can feel things are changing. My attitude towards life, how I carry myself...I'm a got damn individual! I'm more sure of myself then I've ever been before. Me acknowledging all of this, becoming aware of the unconscious, my doubts and fears is making me stronger.

No Control/Random Ramblings

2007-09-07T23:52:00.000-07:00

So it has come to my attention that I get off on controlling people. Not consciously. I do it in subtle and hidden ways. Alot of times I don't realize I'm doing it. I'd say or do something hoping that I can make this person say what I want them to say. It's there life right? I shall detach and stay away.
This year's focus was about control, or the lesson that I need to learn to go with the flow. The flow...which I can't go. Instead I'm a stubborn person, rock solid to the core. Hard and colorless. I boast about being liberal and accepting. Instead I'm a person who holds far out opinions and sticks with them and loathe the other person if they don't agree with my viewpoints. I think I've learned a lesson, why the shit in my life is going wrong. I'm trying to control the situation and receive the things I want, and the universe is constantly denying me these things. Maybe because it really isn't what I need. I think in the end that I've gone a bit crazy. I talk to myself a bit more now adays, and the weird thing is that I don't realize that I'm saying these things. I don't mean hearing voices, but just overthinking to the point where I'm saying my daily schedule over and over again, trying to gain some sort of answer to why the hell am I getting my self involved in all of this shit. I swear I'm going to have an ulcers by the time that I'm twenty-one. Sleep means nothing to me, my dreams are as clear as they ever were when I do sleep. Insomnia runs my life nowadays. It's like my brain has this leaky faucet I can't turn off and I keep thinking these deep random ass thoughts. I have whole conversations and debates, and by the time I reach some sort of conclusion, the sun has risen and it's time for me to get up and face the next fucking day talking to myself about the things I need to do that day. And it goes on and on...Every got damn day...

Irrational Anger

2007-08-28T18:22:00.000-07:00

I don't know what's up with me lately. I can't relax. Since this weekend I've been thinking about the upcoming months and how this year is my last. I should make it count. No more high school...it's all over, college...making my own decisions... and thinking about it irritates me. Senioritis already.
My mother started school again to get her masters. She had me helping her with it all yesterday, and I kept thinking there is no way in hell I'm going to help you when I have my own shit to deal with this year.
All of my other plans got cancelled yesterday, and Robert cancelled on me today. I had planned to go out and spend one of the last days of my break with him, but that went to shit. It's been like that for weeks now. Can't talk to anyone, and I'm feeling cut off from the world. After Robert cancelled on me, I called around to see if someone else could come out with me. No one could for lack of money/time, except this one girl and we hung out at the book store. Got a few CD's from her, and now I'm stuck here trying to get my life back together and my mind mentally focused on the tasks at hand.

Lightening Sparks, Flame Ignited

2007-08-23T21:20:00.000-07:00

After a long night I decided to stay at home on Wednesday and replenish my energies. What happened Tuesday night still dazed me, and by that night I was glad I stayed at home, because I needed my emotional energy for other things. My brother broke up with his long time girlfriend and he was about ready to kill himself. He threatened to do this several times in his life and I knew that it could be serious. I stayed up with him the whole night while my mother kept making insensitive remarks about how he's stupid and not a real man because he's crying over some girl. I wanted to strike her or magically make my brother deaf until she went away so he wouldn't let her comments build up on him. I remember the lightening that night and how everyone seemed agitated by the constant downpours and tornado warnings in Chicago this whole August.

Threesome

2007-08-22T18:18:00.000-07:00

Since my theatre performance debut last Thursday, I've been hanging out with Josh and Chyna almost non stop, spending all of my time with them, and forgetting about my prior obligations. I went to work at the magazine yesterday, and I seriously thought about ditching it to hang out with the two of them. It didn't help that the magazine told me that I had to redo my whole article and have it turned in by the end of this week. It's the deadline, we need it As.Soon.As.Possible.

Josh's band had practice, but just like at work, alot of people didn't bother to show up, and it ended early. They decided to come over my house and go skateboarding. I rushed home as fast as the chicago public transit would allow...which isn't saying much...and got there just as the sun set. We stayed out in the heat for an hour fooling around while Josh showed off on the skateboard. I decided to be spontaneous... Hey lets go swimming. None of us had a swim suit and practically fully clothed, we jumped in the water not caring or thinking about what any one thought about our half nude nightly swim. We played Japan vs. U.S. in the swimming pool and declared war on each other. Heads went under in the pool that night, lost more water than if it had a large hole in it's side . The temperature started to drop and the nightly blood suckers were coming out to play. We came in the house and fixed pizza and hot chocolate, and changed in my room. Chyna and Josh decided to spend the night and after a particular jam session with the Eon Skye(my guitar) and me and Chyna's singing...far away from perfect, We got under the covers and cuddled up and talked about our past.

The lights went off.

Truth or dare. Dare. Find the g-spot. Truth or Dare. Truth. How many men were you with? Three. Chyna was the first to ask. Ever had a threesome? I looked at her in the dark, I could only make out her sillhouette faintly, but not the look on her face. Was she serious? One thing led to another. I felt a bit awkward. This was my best friend... I remember, lips, hands, everyone interwined. I can't do it. Chyna: come on. She kissed me, grabbed my hair, and then I felt Josh's lips on my own.

I tried to clear everything out of my head. I didn't know these people. I kept repeating that in my mind. Without hesitation..Chyna and Josh went all the way. The night's magic enchanted us, blinding our senses. We catered to Chyna's needs. I suppose it was always what she wanted, to experiment with both a female and male lover. She was the star, and enjoyed every minute of it. Thoughts were running through my head...this is my best friend, I only like Josh as a friend...why is this happening... Then it was over. We talked. Chyna, about her past lovers, me and Josh on how we saw each other as family. We talked as if threesomes happened everyday. I suppose it had to happen. In the end, I wasn't suprised at all, Just felt a bit guilty.

Rock Star

2007-08-19T20:46:00.000-07:00

Today was an amazing day that went wrong. It was raining and I sat over my best friend Chyna's house downloading music while she took a shower. We had decided to go over Josh's, the rock star's house. I bought a guitar from her. It's mine now and I'm setting out to learn the chords and things. I remember when I had a guitar, it broke after a particularly violent fight with my brother. This one I'm naming Eon Sky. No gender. Just my new baby. I'm particularly fond of it now, and it's not going anywhere.
Josh's house was magical, the whole affect of it made me dizzy and his white x-mas lights hanging on the wall seemed to wink down on me, welcoming me into his domain. It was a small room with big things, and hardly no room to move in. His walls, well most of them were covered with posters from different bands, including a giant Kurt Cobain poster on one side of the wall. He has twenty gigabytes of music on his computer and that isn't even all of it. He played songs from Sonic Youth, Tiger Army, and various other bands. The moment we got there, Chyna and I took over the bed. We set around, joking and Josh played Eon Sky. Then it was Josh and Chyna's idea to get some good booze. I said no. They said..

"Come on" "Live a little".

It took all of my willpower to keep saying no. Peer pressures a bitch. They got the liquor, and Josh was an expert at it, and he lighted a cigarette after his drink. Chyna on the other hand, got tipsy really fast...and then full on out drunk. It was funny for a while seeing her acting all woozy and saying weird things. This girl had never really drunk anything, and tried drinking on very disconnected times in her life. I remember, more music, feeling sleepy. I felt like I was absorbing the mood in the room. I only remembered faintly that I was hungry, after only having a bag of chips and a pop this morning.

It got a bit crazy, soon all of us were laying in the same bed. Chyna was being aggressive, thoughts of her boyfriend, far from her memory. It was fun, all a joke. more music. I felt woozy. Then I could tell that it was starting to wear off. She had two shots, and it was a couple of hours ago since she had drunk. The music. Daft Punk started up and Chyna began dancing. She's hypnotic, had Josh's and my attention. She made it sexual...it wasn't suppose to be like that. We were having fun, joking...music...and she started dancing on him. It was hot. I felt aware. Too hot. She made it sexual. I didn't want to be apart of it. He left the room to light a cigarette and calm himself down, Chyna went with him. I packed. Looked around for my things, Eon Sky. They came back, not holding, but I had an idea of what might've happened out there. They asked me to stay
. Chyna with her guilt trip.."You always leave me"

Josh.."I hardly ever see you, just chill, and I already said I'd take you home".

Me..."No I'm a big girl, I can go home by myself, I wanted to see if my friend was online, I haven't talked to him in a while, I just want to go home. No I'm not mad".

Chyna..."If Robert asked you to stay you would".

Me..."Yeah.. I probably would stay".

Josh..."I'm just like Robert, I want you to stay so you should listen to me".

Me..."You're not Robert".

Josh..."What's the difference? He's gay and I'm not"...

Me inside my head.."He is so much like him, his eyes, everything, it's just too much"

I left, not looking back, in the rain, by myself. Thinking..it wasn't suppose to be like this. I told him I'd call. He kept trying to look me in the eye and read me.. I let him look...you know what the secret to being a good liar is?

You have to believe in the lie, even if just a little and no one will know what's the truth if you will it so.

Theatre and City Lights

2007-08-17T10:35:00.000-07:00

These last two days were one of the most memorable this year. I had orientation at my school. The last orientation I would have there before graduating. I wasn't excited, but dreaded it. My best friend Chyna decided to come with me and we hung out around the school, and everyone kept asking me, is she new here? My friend is beautiful in this off beat sort of way and it always gets the attention of those around her. When Robert, Chyna, and me were at the train station these group of guys went up the stairs and were staring and tried to talk to us. I hate that more than anything, when a guy does that, makes me feel like a piece of meat. Robert screamed up to them "She's not available". I found that very funny.
At practice we were on top of things, we worked our asses off until we were tired as hell, and then we sat around for the show. Robert was getting nervous and I got more excited as time went on. The play was just so damn beautiful...We staged a die in to show how things were in the 80s during the AIDS out break, and the dancing, and the HIV stories...we got a standing ovation. Then our director came up to us and said, "You're the best cast we've ever had, and you don't know how much you've changed my life with your performances." And other people kept coming up to us and saying how great we did. My head started to swell, but then I got all modest. I was like, "it's nothing"...

The next day we got back there to practice for another show, and this one had to be better than the last. Since the first one was the rougher version and this show had to be more polished. So our director cut some scenes...shorted some lines, and one of my friends(poor guy) was forced to memorize five index cards that had a shit load of writing on them by the time of the show. I thought practice was horrible..we couldn't concentrate, and we kept laughing at about everything. One good thing happened though. Since Tuesday me and this girl named Bre have been around each other. She's spontaneous and very affectionate. Everytime she put her hands around me, I thought I'd just die, and it helps that she can sing, which she did to me a couple of times. Before the show began that night, she lifted up my chin and kissed me behind those black curtains and blue dimmed lights. Ah..just thinking about it, gives me chills. So we were on again, and this time, about ten of my friends came to see me. So it was a bit harder for me to concentrate, but I did. Once again standing ovation, and then me and friends went on a night out on the town.

Now usually this would evoke a sense that we went to a party and got drunk and hooked up with someone, but it was the complete opposite. We were like little kids. We walked around at night, and past clubs, and went to the park on the north side with big cherry and blueberry flavored slushies. We ran around the park, got on swings, and tried our luck at the monkey bars. This is very weird seeing that we're ranging from ages 17-20. My friend Chyna's a fiesty one and she almost got into a fight with a lady in her apartment, because she told us to get the fuck away from her window. Walking down Halsted, the gayest street in Chicago, past rainbow flags and M-to-F transsexuals with slinky red and black dresses on, we went at got icecream from Baskin Robbins. It was so good, the caramel and the cookie dough ice cream melted in my mouth. We attempted to go to the arcade, but none of us had ID to prove that we were not underage..which is stupid, because I believe we look it. Oh well..

So all of us got on the train and talked about music. Robert and Chyna got off on the stop before me and my friend Josh. Josh decided to take me home. It was ten minutes til two before we got there, and we talked about past lovers, our interest, finding it hard to get a lover who wants to talk about art and music, things we loved. I always thought Josh was a bit too cool to hang out with me, since I first met him my freshman year. He was this black rocker type, easy going attitute, knew how to play the guitar and was in a band, and a damn good artist. He was so good in fact that he got a full ride to the Art Institute of Chicago. We talked about going skateboarding Sunday and swapping music. Overall these two days were pretty great, today is one of those lie around and gather my bearings before I have to go do other things like meditation classes tomorrow.

Change

2007-08-14T20:00:00.001-07:00

A while ago I remember dreaming about a bat. This symbolizes transformation and change, something I've been going through at the moment. Things are starting to fall into place, and life is great, at least for today. Remember the broken vase? Well I've managed to put it back together again, but with lots of bits left out as usual. Things are as they were, even though I know I'll suffer for not letting go, I shall hang on for a long time. I looked into his eyes and found that soul I relate to so well. It filled me with joy and a little sorrow to know that I was allowing myself to be bound tightly again.

Spotlight with Sam Cooke

2007-08-13T18:43:00.000-07:00

Today was almost a bad day. I woke up late to rehearsals and told them I'd be two hours late, a bird nearly shitted on my head, and two busses passed me at the bus stop, but luckily there was another bus right behind it five minutes away. By the time I got there, the director was both homicidal and suicidal. She got so frustrated at one point that she threw her herbal tea for tension and stress right at a guy's head. It all seemed very amusing after having a fitful three hours of sleep dreaming about tarot cards. Some people started taking naps on the back stage, and I was one of them, laying on that cold, dark, and dirty stage floor behing the black curtains. I kept laughing at odd moments and talking to myself. I suppose that's how it works after an eight hour rehearsal session. We have two shows this week, Wednesday and Thursday, and I think we've got our shit together, but it's iffy at best and I'm not looking forward to waking up at six in the morning to have another eight to ten hour rehearsal session. But I have a confession to make, I love it. I love being on that stage and according to the director, I'm a natural. The spotlight nearly blinds me but it's exhilirating. The play is pretty depressing though. It's about HIV/AIDs and the difficulties of coming out about having it. That Sam Cooke song(which is the theme song of the play) gives me goose bumps every time I hear it.

During rehearsals I started to think about the fucked up relationships I have with my friends, and how now, everytime I have a tarot reading I'm represented as the eight of swords, a woman blindfolded and bound with swords around her and a dying river below her feet. I'm so stuck and lack clarity in every situation, and it's hard to take off that blindfold and losen the ropes that bind me. That song.."A Change is Gonna Come", I hoped with all of my heart today behind those black curtains that change would come, where one day I wouldn't be the eight of swords, maybe become the page of hearts like my best friend, and have a more open heart. I hoped that I could stand on my own two feet and be the woman I've always wanted to be.

I was born by the river in a little tent
Oh and just like the river I've been running ever since
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will
It's been too hard living but I'm afraid to die
Cause I don't know what's up there beyond the sky
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will
I go to the movie and I go downtown somebody keep telling me don't hang around
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will
Then I go to my brother
And I say brother help me please
But he winds up knocking me
Back down on my knees Ohhhhhhhhh.....
There been times that I thought I couldn't last for long
But now I think I'm able to carry on
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will

-Sam Cooke

Ancestors of Fire

2007-08-12T15:59:00.000-07:00

Today I got to thinking about my family, and how I can learn how I ended up the way I am by looking at them. I hate and admire my mother. She has this hypnotic power over me that I try to break, but everytime I go running back with my tail between my legs. She's going through what I'd call a midlife crisis. I think she fears getting old even though I still think she's beautiful in a fiery sort of way and the temper to match. She tries to be younger, getting tattoos, nose piercings, and I fuss and complain, as if I were the parent trying to talk some sense into my wily teen. My mother is flawed, as human beings we all are. I try to study her, see where she's coming from and why the hell she has these unexpected outbursts. The fact of the matter is that...my mother is just plain unpredictable. Her anger can come out of nowhere and just as soon disappear just as fast as it came. It gets way too tiredsom trying to keep up with her. No matter how much she brags and tries to be "hip" I know she's still inflexible and has set principles, and she'd never accept me or what I believe in. This I am sure, and we will never be able to get along.

My dad is magnetic and regal and very creative. I've always thought of him as the sun in my universe, but he's a secretive man. Sometimes I find him keeping little silly secrets from me. I had realized by the time that I was fifteen, that Ididn't know a damn thing about my father, only my idealized version of him. I depended on him for stability. I never thought my mother was with her crazy mood swings. Turns out he was the self destructive type, not kind to himself. He did drugs just like the crazy artists/musicians in his family, and was on a dangerous road. He claims that when he had a near death experience(someone pointed a gun at his head, but the guy let him go) he decided to change his life forever. He's been at it for twenty something years now...never set out for what he really wanted to do. He was a cab driver working shitty hours and then became a janitor at a hospital...he wanted to sing. He still does. I remember my child hood and him singing in the morning, the sun casting a glow over him as if he were some sanitly being, and his voice was the gift of angels, but that was in the past. After he "found the light" he also found religion and became obessed with "god's word". I never got to much in it myself even when he had me go to church with him. At an early age I mistrusted it, and as a little girl I thought adults were a bunch of hypocrits. Dad had a blindspot for me, after a while he let me find my own path, and didn't make me go on his new religious journey with him. After I found out that I didn't know much about my father I set out on a quest to learn everything there was to learn about him, hoping that in some way, I could find out about myself in return. I was his favorite he would tell me later in my life, and the one being that kept him coming home everynight.

My mother and father had silent wars. They tried to keep it down behind closed doors, but always failing to hide what was really going on. I still remember a particularly violent fight between them when I was four. That year is one of the most memorable years of my life. I say that because I seem to remember it very well, more than other years during my childhood, which are a bit blurry at best. I don't think my mother ever forgave him for leaving her, and I remember quite vivdidly when she got angry at me and yelled "he left you as well"...I can't tell you how much that hurted me. She saw my dad in me. I took after him, his looks, interest in the arts, and secretiveness. I hid everything from her because I knew my mother. She was the type to let out things to the world whether the world wanted to hear it or not. Good ol mother...she knew how to say things well...Her wit cut invisible slits in my bones. No matter how much I guarded myself from her, she could always get to me. Her mother was the same way..and the cycle continues...Ah my grandmother...she loves me for some strange reason..even when I mess up bad and am not a "good christian" in her eyes..just like my father..a blind spot. She had a full scholarship to the Art Institute when she was twenty-one...a grand feat for an african american woman. Her talent was tremendous, but she gave it up to have a family. I loathed that story everytime I hear it. My grandmother could've been free, but over time she stopped drawing. I feel like I have a family who are losers. They give up what they truly wanted most, except my mother. She worked her ass off to be a nurse. Unlike my grandmother and father, she loved math and science and was interested in the human body. She had to be tough, but she lost her patience and she gives none of her children any, even when my brother was diagnosed with ADHD at a young age. He was the troublemaker. He dropped out of school, hung out in the streets, but he had a literary gift. I believe he still writes once in a while. I'd have to say my brother is one of the most sensitive assholes I know. One time when my mother was being oh so cruel..she said, "your brother has no brains, and you have no heart". Well here I am now, I would say I can be a bit cold, but I have some fire in me? I have no planets in the fire sign, but I was surrounded by fire sign individuals...is that why I can't seem to connect to them?

Lonely Night

2007-08-10T17:16:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to sound like some badly written emo song.

The other day's practice went pretty bad for me. My mind wasn't in it. I was charming, sure, and everyone gravitated toward me but I believe I was concealing my anger very well. He was at practice again. Every time I see him I just want to go the other way and I tried to silently repel him away. I think he brings out the overly dramatic martyr in me. I wanted to be strong and keep a smile on my face but it was fading slowly as the day went by. Three hours of rehearsal felt like a lifetime of pain. I was looking at the stars last night and I thought, man if I could be up there and not down here. I'm lonely as hell. Bitter and got damn lonely. I'm a fool for giving my heart to those fuckers that don't deserve it.
I had the weirdest dream two nights ago. A girl I know named Deja appeared in my dreams, except that she was two people. I remember hanging out with a group and we went into this store and this lady who looked just like Deja didn't want my friend to buy this hat, I think it was red. I was like "fine I don't want your damn hat anyway". She gave me a hard look and said something and I remember apologizing to her. Then she said she would give us a psychic reading. I went in and she examined me with her eyes. She came really close to my face and seemed to be peering into my soul. And she started pressing harder and harder. I held on even though the pressure was getting a bit too much for me. But then something broke, and she seemed to be in, and then pleased, let me go. She said, "You were the one that lasted the longest". I don't remember too much after that but that I looked back and walked out with the group and the other Deja. I don't have the slightest idea what that dream means, but I remember before that night I was having the most extraordinary day. I seemed to be having some kind of visions, and predicted that I'd see two people that I haven't seen in a while, and the color of my friend's shirt. Strange Nights.

Tornado Warning

2007-08-08T20:17:00.000-07:00

There was a tornado warning today. This is very strange you see, since I live in the city of Chicago. There hasn't been one I believe since this area was mostly rural..and that had to be about a hundred years ago.
I arrived at the field house on broadway and waveland just before the rain came. I was an hour early for rehearsals, so I sat in the cold white washed room and sat by the window. I'm currently reading The Prince of Tides by Pat Conroy. Beautiful book. I deviled in it's pages with an intensity matched by the oncoming storm. I wanted to escape. A few glorious minutes, the rain sloshing down against the windows, wind howling, and me lost in the miseries and woes of Tom and Savannah Wingo. Why don't you make me happy anymore? There's nothing but sorrow when I'm around you now. Your eyes said everything, the message though got lost in translation. You seemed to be pleading with me, trying in those looks to figure out where I stood, whether walking out on me damaged me and I would be angry with him forever, and how long is forever?! Not long at all, because I could never be mad at you no matter how hard I try. I love you but you make me weep inside and a storm rages within me just waiting to unleash and I want to watch the rain pour down, and maybe I'll be free of you.

Broken Vases

2007-08-07T21:10:00.000-07:00

For you my star crossed lover

I remember when my cousin got her first ceramic's set. She would use the dull colored clay and with her little hands, mold it in to a desired shape, and the shape slowly turned in to a vase. She decorated it with fake emeralds and sapphires that sparkled in the light. I remember her being very proud of her original creation and filling it with a few flowers from her aunt's garden, they were simple flowers. Lately I've been wondering what happened to that vase that she worked so hard to create. The time she put into it, it must still be with her. Did she simply outgrow it and throw it away, like so many hand made crafts are after childhood, or did it break and those simple flowers from her aunt's garden lay abandoned among the broken pieces?
As an afterthought, I began thinking on that long El' ride on the subway, what had happened to my vase. The one I put all of my love and attention into, the one that took me years to build and in a fourth of the time, to break. I loved that vase with all of my heart. I poured everything, all of my feelings, my secrets. Where did it all go wrong?

Self Realization

2007-08-07T01:00:00.001-07:00

I thought I knew what I wanted to be since I was twelfth. I had it all planned out, to write, be a journalist... but then fate threw me a bad hand. I was lost and felt uncertain about my future plans and feeling like the current was taking me way of course, and during that year, all I could think about was just letting go. What else did I have left? I put all of my energy and time into becoming something I didn't know I wanted to be anymore. But Fate intervened for a second time and unforseen circumstances brought me in touch with David, who changed my life for the better, in more ways then he or anyone could have possibly imagined. Because of him, I have a purpose now. It isn't just something I want to do but I've made living my life to the fullest an art. I am the artist and the world is my canvas. Moments are my medium. My plans are to travel and see the world, write and experience life as freely as possible. That's all I've ever wanted my whole life, to be without restraints since most of my life I've felt trapped and unable to get anywhere, but that's about to change. So far I've been exploring my options in the arts from acting, drawing, photography...etc. I want to express. I feel like me and David's paths are aligned and we have a purpose in this life. Something remarkable can come from such a partnership, Both idealist searching for world peace, by helping those in need and learning about all of humanity. It's a big task, Who knows what the future holds? This is the Deus Ex Machina, plot twist, my life in motion.