I had a dream last night where I was walking down an empty city street, and this guy I know from my job asked me if I wanted a ride. He took me somewhere where we were about to sit down and eat, and these two kids moved their lunch away from me. One girl did right away, and another boy was like "don't eat my lunch!"... I started to curse and swear at the little kid. I told him that I wasn't touching his f*** lunch. And the man had to calm me down. He stared at me glaring a bit, and I glared back, and he asked me what's wrong. I said I was angry. After some theater show, we went to this ocean somewhere and saw a winter's sunset. He was telling me how the whole ocean froze over because it was so cold, but I had never seen anything so beautiful. It was a purplish blue as it set, and we walked on the ocean floor. Don't remember everything he told me, but then he spotted a whale under the frozen ocean, and we ran for the shore in a panic, and him urging me to go on and watch out for weak spots in the ice. We made it on the shore just in time to see the whale rise from the frozen ocean and crash back again, and we stared in awe at the magnificent huge creature before us, and set down and watched the sun finally go down.
I woke up smiling from this dream. It offered me some hope for some reason, and I thought that maybe this person has more significance in my life then I'd ever realized. It was like this man had something to teach me, about going with the flow, about anger, and how you have to appreciate life even when it throws you curve balls because it's worth living.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Coming to an End
I just got back from an Anime convention in Illinois today. It was pretty cool. Got to let out my inner nerd for a weekend with my boyfriend and friends. The end of the con signified a new period in my life sort of. It meant that I would have to go back to the real world of finals, bills, and moving out of residence life. I have to go back home with my mother for a summer and work my ass off to get my own place before the next school year. This summer means being less social then I've become. It's time to be self reflecting and introverted until close to the end of the summer where I can let loose. It's time to lose that winter and new relationship weight(You really do gain weight in relationships >.<). It's time to give up a little bit of my freedom to get further in life.
The relationship with Leo has been great, doing really well then the earlier b.s. at the start. One thing that's bothering me is that all his friends don't know about us. It's not like he is technically hiding it, but he's not explicitly saying anything. We're always together and hanging out, and I think people assume it. The big thing is the age. Even though I don't see it as a big enough gap to be a problem, I think he still thinks it would be in his group of friends since they are older than me. Not all of them by that much. Sometimes it makes me feel like he's ashamed of me, but he has me around all the time. He's spending more time with me, and his once cold demeanor is melting away. He is more affectionate with me and laid back when I'm around. He's changing with me and for me, which he said he would. I didn't ask nor expected him to change. I expected the worse, and he told me, "Lori, I'm going to change for you, cause the way I am now is not working for our relationship." And he did it. It shows me how much he loves me. Even though he gets jealous in our poly relationship and of my interest in other people, particularly guys, he's always working on it. This has been the most adult relationship of my life, and probably one of the most significant romantic relationships of my life, which I have had many in my young years. But I learned much about how I handle myself in my relationships and what doesn't work so well. These things I've been changing. The bullshit with our relationship is coming to an end. We're realizing everything doesn't have to be exciting all the time. We can just relax with each other. There is no need to worry about losing one another, because we have each other. We love each other, and we're willing to work on any rough patches ahead of us.
So here I am tired from the convention and just generally happy to have a strong relationship to support me through my life changes with trying to be independent, getting my new apartment, and working on my career. I feel lucky. Even though I have to take a few steps backwards to realize my dreams, I know that I'm moving forward with every stride. Just have to take a pit stop for gas, and I'm on my way to independence.
The relationship with Leo has been great, doing really well then the earlier b.s. at the start. One thing that's bothering me is that all his friends don't know about us. It's not like he is technically hiding it, but he's not explicitly saying anything. We're always together and hanging out, and I think people assume it. The big thing is the age. Even though I don't see it as a big enough gap to be a problem, I think he still thinks it would be in his group of friends since they are older than me. Not all of them by that much. Sometimes it makes me feel like he's ashamed of me, but he has me around all the time. He's spending more time with me, and his once cold demeanor is melting away. He is more affectionate with me and laid back when I'm around. He's changing with me and for me, which he said he would. I didn't ask nor expected him to change. I expected the worse, and he told me, "Lori, I'm going to change for you, cause the way I am now is not working for our relationship." And he did it. It shows me how much he loves me. Even though he gets jealous in our poly relationship and of my interest in other people, particularly guys, he's always working on it. This has been the most adult relationship of my life, and probably one of the most significant romantic relationships of my life, which I have had many in my young years. But I learned much about how I handle myself in my relationships and what doesn't work so well. These things I've been changing. The bullshit with our relationship is coming to an end. We're realizing everything doesn't have to be exciting all the time. We can just relax with each other. There is no need to worry about losing one another, because we have each other. We love each other, and we're willing to work on any rough patches ahead of us.
So here I am tired from the convention and just generally happy to have a strong relationship to support me through my life changes with trying to be independent, getting my new apartment, and working on my career. I feel lucky. Even though I have to take a few steps backwards to realize my dreams, I know that I'm moving forward with every stride. Just have to take a pit stop for gas, and I'm on my way to independence.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Exploring A New Terrain
So much has happened since my last post, and I can't even begin to transcribe these last two and a half months of confusion, emotional roller coasters and heart break. But I have to start somewhere.
About less than a week after my last post, I became officially involved with a man six years my senior. I've posted about him for some time, but we soon began finally acknowledging our feelings for each other before I knew about his other lover. We met and had all these pent up feelings of regret and embarrassment because of this man. We loved him for years, and we both didn't know about the other. He had decided that having no relationship at all was the best relationship to have because then he wouldn't feel trapped or obligated. He carried on these "non-relationships" with the both of us. The woman and I got to know each other, and then we even formed a friendship around our interests. The main thing we shared was our love for this man, and how we could never pin him down. When she formally found out about us, she was furious. She felt betrayed and hurt, and I didn't know what to do. I wanted to be with him, but I didn't want to hurt her. I knew they had a relationship, but I didn't know if they still had one. I assumed they did after a while since he refused to let her go.
We had then fallen into a relationship with each other. Her and I being who we are, and him being the way he is, we all declared that we were interested and capable of loving more than one person at a time. We were in a sense, always polyamorous. The woman had a deep interest in BDSM. Her relationship with a man named King had been apart of her life for years. She was interested in a relationship with the both of us, and in hindsight, I would say, it was doomed from the beginning. Just because you're poly doesn't mean you should get into a relationship just with anybody.
Me and (lets name the guy) Leo since it's his astro sign, had been building our relationship with each other. After my ex and I broke up, Leo was there for me since he wanted me to be with him all that time anyway. We were, in a sense, a little crazy for each other. Leo and the other woman had known each other for six years prior and were seeing each other romantically for about two and a half years compared to me and Leo's almost two years of knowing each other, and six months of seeing each other romantically at that time, back in January.
In a sense we were going through some New Relationship Energy. We were supposed to be a closed triad to work on building a relationship with one another, but I still feel like we jumped into it so quickly. We got a room and had a threesome, the night we decided to all be together. I kept thinking, "Am I really this weird?" I've always had relationships with more than one person, that conflicted with each other. Just reading my past posts you can see the relationship struggles I have had in the past. But this was new. This was me finally admitting to myself that I am poly. So this relationship I entered in with the two of them turned out to be the awakening I need. I had to think about relationships in all new ways.
But me and the woman's relationship was lacking. We jumped into it on a sheer whim. We wanted to see where this new way of loving would work out in practice, and we both loved him. She fell for me, but I didn't have the same feelings for her at all. If anything, I only had friendly and then at most points, tolerable feelings for her. Her biting sarcasm and ability to make herself appear to be a martyr in confrontations annoyed me to no end. We also didn't have the time to develop a relationship with each other since it was about the three of us, and not much one on one connections, but I believe the main reason the woman and I didn't last was because I felt we were incompatible.
The break up was not necessarily pretty. When I broke up with her, she wanted to sever ties with the both of us. Leo was upset by this and just fed up with her from over the years. She kept accusing us of choosing one another over her, and she felt abandoned. Leo told her if it was over, then it was truly over and you are a ghost to me. He cried on my shoulder that night. Everything happened so fast, and I just held him as he quivered and stained my shirt with his tears. He bounced back though and just wanted to be happy and knew he couldn't be happy with her if she would never get over the things he'd done in the past or our relationship with each other.
We are together now, and I have a lover on the side whom I've known and been involved with to some capacity for almost five years now. Leo is still getting over jealousy issues with that, but he met my lover and accepts him. Things have never been better between us though. We've learned what we truly want and how we really feel about each other. We will go with the flow. I love him dearly, and I feel that we will be together for a long time since we are honest with each other, and that we're both polyamorous people. We don't have to hide or feelings for others, and we are free to act on them and still love each other. It's a great feeling.
About less than a week after my last post, I became officially involved with a man six years my senior. I've posted about him for some time, but we soon began finally acknowledging our feelings for each other before I knew about his other lover. We met and had all these pent up feelings of regret and embarrassment because of this man. We loved him for years, and we both didn't know about the other. He had decided that having no relationship at all was the best relationship to have because then he wouldn't feel trapped or obligated. He carried on these "non-relationships" with the both of us. The woman and I got to know each other, and then we even formed a friendship around our interests. The main thing we shared was our love for this man, and how we could never pin him down. When she formally found out about us, she was furious. She felt betrayed and hurt, and I didn't know what to do. I wanted to be with him, but I didn't want to hurt her. I knew they had a relationship, but I didn't know if they still had one. I assumed they did after a while since he refused to let her go.
We had then fallen into a relationship with each other. Her and I being who we are, and him being the way he is, we all declared that we were interested and capable of loving more than one person at a time. We were in a sense, always polyamorous. The woman had a deep interest in BDSM. Her relationship with a man named King had been apart of her life for years. She was interested in a relationship with the both of us, and in hindsight, I would say, it was doomed from the beginning. Just because you're poly doesn't mean you should get into a relationship just with anybody.
Me and (lets name the guy) Leo since it's his astro sign, had been building our relationship with each other. After my ex and I broke up, Leo was there for me since he wanted me to be with him all that time anyway. We were, in a sense, a little crazy for each other. Leo and the other woman had known each other for six years prior and were seeing each other romantically for about two and a half years compared to me and Leo's almost two years of knowing each other, and six months of seeing each other romantically at that time, back in January.
In a sense we were going through some New Relationship Energy. We were supposed to be a closed triad to work on building a relationship with one another, but I still feel like we jumped into it so quickly. We got a room and had a threesome, the night we decided to all be together. I kept thinking, "Am I really this weird?" I've always had relationships with more than one person, that conflicted with each other. Just reading my past posts you can see the relationship struggles I have had in the past. But this was new. This was me finally admitting to myself that I am poly. So this relationship I entered in with the two of them turned out to be the awakening I need. I had to think about relationships in all new ways.
But me and the woman's relationship was lacking. We jumped into it on a sheer whim. We wanted to see where this new way of loving would work out in practice, and we both loved him. She fell for me, but I didn't have the same feelings for her at all. If anything, I only had friendly and then at most points, tolerable feelings for her. Her biting sarcasm and ability to make herself appear to be a martyr in confrontations annoyed me to no end. We also didn't have the time to develop a relationship with each other since it was about the three of us, and not much one on one connections, but I believe the main reason the woman and I didn't last was because I felt we were incompatible.
The break up was not necessarily pretty. When I broke up with her, she wanted to sever ties with the both of us. Leo was upset by this and just fed up with her from over the years. She kept accusing us of choosing one another over her, and she felt abandoned. Leo told her if it was over, then it was truly over and you are a ghost to me. He cried on my shoulder that night. Everything happened so fast, and I just held him as he quivered and stained my shirt with his tears. He bounced back though and just wanted to be happy and knew he couldn't be happy with her if she would never get over the things he'd done in the past or our relationship with each other.
We are together now, and I have a lover on the side whom I've known and been involved with to some capacity for almost five years now. Leo is still getting over jealousy issues with that, but he met my lover and accepts him. Things have never been better between us though. We've learned what we truly want and how we really feel about each other. We will go with the flow. I love him dearly, and I feel that we will be together for a long time since we are honest with each other, and that we're both polyamorous people. We don't have to hide or feelings for others, and we are free to act on them and still love each other. It's a great feeling.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Poly me more than one
As I'm sitting here, I might be losing the one man I know I should be with. I've been living my life and not writing. I don't even know where to begin. There's been so much going on. The older guy left last night and I went over my ex and slept with him again. I wanted to be held. I wanted to be loved. I wanted to be comforted. The other guy did not do that the night he left. We spent the whole day together, and I enjoyed his company since the night he came over. Not exactly. I had a favorite uncle die and he came over moping about his ex lover and how he did her wrong. He said he didn't want to hurt me. He involved me in this non relationship, and I've grown to care for him so much. He can't just push me away like he's trying to do. I'm tired. Maybe I'll write more later.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Fucking Up
I fucked up again. After breaking up with my boyfriend I got with the guy who fought and won me fair and square. I deserve better. I'm tired of seeing potential in these guys and not getting what I deserve. I deserve the man I'm with. My newly ex boyfriend came back in town and it took me only three days to sleep with him again. What the hell was I thinking. Even though it's not official with the guy I'm with, I can't help but feel like I've cheated on him. Maybe I'm just an attention whore and the person who gives me that attention, I just gravitate toward them. I really love this guy. He's so capable and smart. So what if he hasn't been around me for two days? This is ridiculas. The ex and I will not get together...even after sleeping with him, I still know that to be true. But then why did I sleep with him? Maybe there was some lingering feelings...a goodbye fuck. The sad part about all this is that I don't know if I won't sleep with him again. When I'm around him, I want to kiss him. He's not mature enough, corny, and broke. But he's good in bed and for some strange reason I still wanted to be around him. He cheated on me and Hurt me more than once. He doesn't deserve me. I think I just wanted to have sex. I will not get back with him. There was too much shit I took because of him.
Fuck me and the other guy never said we were exclusive but I want to be with him. It makes me wonder if I can ever be truly faithful. Am I just not a one person woman? Damn. I'm afraid to tell him that I slept with my ex. I wonder what he would say to me. I made so much progress with him. He was hanging out with me so much and we grew so close. I could feel our love for each other grow. I even imagined that we were kind of married the five days that we were together in a row. He kept saying this is what married life must be like. Coming home to someone everyday and having that person wake up next to you. He told me even before that how now he can't stand sleeping alone. He is someone who compliments me. He is someone I want and need in my life. I don't need my ex back in my life like this other man. I've chosen and I can't keep running back to the past and live in the here and now. I need to stop thinking about these imaginary futures. Fuck man. Don't be stupid Lori. There is a reason why the exes are exes. They couldn't provide you with the growth you needed.
They'll stunt your growth. They're lame and not on the same level as you whether it be mentally physically and/or emotionally. I will reach for
the fucking stars. I deserve the guy I'm with. It's about time that I have higher standards. Don't settle for less. Don't just go out with a guy cause he seems nice or because you think you need to be in a relationship cause you're lonely. Settle for more.
Fuck me and the other guy never said we were exclusive but I want to be with him. It makes me wonder if I can ever be truly faithful. Am I just not a one person woman? Damn. I'm afraid to tell him that I slept with my ex. I wonder what he would say to me. I made so much progress with him. He was hanging out with me so much and we grew so close. I could feel our love for each other grow. I even imagined that we were kind of married the five days that we were together in a row. He kept saying this is what married life must be like. Coming home to someone everyday and having that person wake up next to you. He told me even before that how now he can't stand sleeping alone. He is someone who compliments me. He is someone I want and need in my life. I don't need my ex back in my life like this other man. I've chosen and I can't keep running back to the past and live in the here and now. I need to stop thinking about these imaginary futures. Fuck man. Don't be stupid Lori. There is a reason why the exes are exes. They couldn't provide you with the growth you needed.
They'll stunt your growth. They're lame and not on the same level as you whether it be mentally physically and/or emotionally. I will reach for
the fucking stars. I deserve the guy I'm with. It's about time that I have higher standards. Don't settle for less. Don't just go out with a guy cause he seems nice or because you think you need to be in a relationship cause you're lonely. Settle for more.
Monday, December 22, 2008
The True Intentions of this Blog
I realize now from reading most of these posts that all I ever talk about is my relationships with other people. I wonder if that will change as I post more on here. Right now I don't think so.
So I'm seeing an older man, intellectual, critical, and distant. Behind closed doors, he's caring, considerate, and dependable. I don't know what to make of it. I know I posted about him some time before.
I'm single again, and reevaluating my past relationships. I think it's best I stay that way and date around...see where this takes me.
::Later Today::
The friend turned lover I thought fit so well with me didn't fit so well. We should've stayed friends. I cried for him more than I cried for any other boy friend. He really let me down, and I blame his age. There was a reason I would always go for the older guys.
The older man was right about my relationship the whole time, and after much reflection, I see that I was in love with the idea of a relationship and our potential then actually him. He was not the right guy for me. As I posted some months ago, other guys were replacements for him. I need someone logical, solid, intellectually and physically stimulating. He was right, and he faught for me. So now that you got me sir, what will you do now? Will my prediction come true about us? Once we have each other, will we become bored and look else where?
So I'm seeing an older man, intellectual, critical, and distant. Behind closed doors, he's caring, considerate, and dependable. I don't know what to make of it. I know I posted about him some time before.
I'm single again, and reevaluating my past relationships. I think it's best I stay that way and date around...see where this takes me.
::Later Today::
The friend turned lover I thought fit so well with me didn't fit so well. We should've stayed friends. I cried for him more than I cried for any other boy friend. He really let me down, and I blame his age. There was a reason I would always go for the older guys.
The older man was right about my relationship the whole time, and after much reflection, I see that I was in love with the idea of a relationship and our potential then actually him. He was not the right guy for me. As I posted some months ago, other guys were replacements for him. I need someone logical, solid, intellectually and physically stimulating. He was right, and he faught for me. So now that you got me sir, what will you do now? Will my prediction come true about us? Once we have each other, will we become bored and look else where?
Friday, October 10, 2008
Picture Perfect
Finally Alas! I've been successful! Me and the guy Shawn are now going out. Have been since September 25. We're bleeping happy together, and I see a future that stretches out endlessly...I don't think I've ever felt this way about a guy I was dating the the way I feel about him...oh my gawd...so yeah...more updates tba.
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