She made me a poem using the magnetic poetry kit I got for Christmas. Each word appeared suddenly, and she proceeded in finding the phrases that spoke to her, and described me. Who am I really... The sentences appeared on the white fridge, adding more life to the blankness. She turned to me with a smile and said, " This poem is for you." and I thought she had filled the blankness in my life as well...
Her nude canvas appears as a masterpiece
composed from concrete passion
never fashioned for the liking of any
a picture hard to capture
The poem commented on my lusty nature and deep need for freedom. I guess I'm not that hard to read. But on the contrary. I'd settle down with you baby...I love her laugh. It sends a warm feeling deep down in me. and when I see her, I light up suddenly, and I wonder, does she know how much I like her? Probably not, I think in my mind. She's oblivious. She denies her true existence, her preference. I should not wait for her to "come out of the closet", but every day I'm waiting. Waiting for her to see me and love me. I want to run my fingers through her long brown hair and watch her close her eyes and enjoy the sensation. I want to kiss her soft lips and and make her sigh gently. I want us to hold each other and not move from the spot we set our selves in. I want so much.
She said she would write me a poem everyday with magnetic poetry, and everyday I will save and savior the words.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Freedom at Last
This is my first year of college. What are my feelings...
excited. anxious. dreadful.
I think I'd like to take another week off, but it's now or never. My roommate's wonderful, and we get along very well. I met a girl down the hall I'm crazy about, but she's iffy and a closet case. Not a good thing in someone you like.
My room has paper lanterns and Christmas lights hanging on the ceiling, and I feel at home. Parties every night, but by Friday I felt burnt out and stuck to my room watching movies. I invited a few people over and we enjoyed The Kite Runner. I didn't have any problems adjusting until the middle of the week where I start feeling inadequate. Finally I was around people just as creative, artistic, and crazy as I was. How can you stand out among a crowd of people that all stand out?
(Sigh) Be louder I guess. :: shrug::
I'm still stuck with some baggage while going into College. I got a tattoo in Japanese that says Freedom. It was symbolic for me, a new stage in my life. But My ex boyfriend is still hanging around and instead of letting him down, I'm stringing him along. I feel terrible. I tried to stay away from him for awhile. It had been a month since I seen him, and he was determined to see me. Every kiss said "I love you", and he looked at me so tenderly and told me how much he loved me and missed me. He made sure to kiss every inch of skin that he could and held me tightly in his arms. And the whole time I felt like shit. Fucking Shit.
I think I've fallen out of love with him. almost four years of knowing him...a year of loving him, a year of passion and and idleness. What can I say, I felt like I was drowning in mud. Warm, wet, mushy, mud. I had to get out just like I always do. The sick part about all this is that he knows me... He finally has me figured out, about my whole quest for freedom. He doesn't care who I sleep with or like as long as I stay in his shitty boring life and make him feel like we are still in love with each other. The truth is, this butterfly has fallen in love with someone else. He's mature, 5 years my senior, and driven.
I've met my fucking match. He's elusive and smart, witty as heck, and I freaking want him for my self. All of him, and he's like one of the few (out of one other guy) that I felt that I didn't want to share with anyone. He seemed like he cared about me just as much when we were in that motel room in the middle of August. He held me just as close and we laid in each others' arms, kissing every time we woke up or turned that night, and he woke up next to me, and saw me in the morning and smiled. I felt so good. He's so different in the bedroom then when he's outside with me. Suffers from a broken heart. He doesn't try and allow me to get too close to him. The thing is, we're the same type of people. If I did have him and he had me, would we really want each other as much? Maybe being just at arm's reach is what we're really after and never allowing anyone to have us for long is the key to my happiness.
Maybe I'll never be happy with anyone.
I mean I'm in college right? No need to limit myself. But I'm aching for a relationship right now. I want to commit myself to someone and be loved indefinitely, but I'm afraid of getting in a relationship and screwing shit up like I always manage to do.
Back to school.
My roommates sleeping right now, it's three o clock in the morning and school starts in a few days. Economics seems promising -_-'' Intro to Journalism a bit more so...not excited about that college mathematics class...and all three on the same day _-_ what was I thinking?...
excited. anxious. dreadful.
I think I'd like to take another week off, but it's now or never. My roommate's wonderful, and we get along very well. I met a girl down the hall I'm crazy about, but she's iffy and a closet case. Not a good thing in someone you like.
My room has paper lanterns and Christmas lights hanging on the ceiling, and I feel at home. Parties every night, but by Friday I felt burnt out and stuck to my room watching movies. I invited a few people over and we enjoyed The Kite Runner. I didn't have any problems adjusting until the middle of the week where I start feeling inadequate. Finally I was around people just as creative, artistic, and crazy as I was. How can you stand out among a crowd of people that all stand out?
(Sigh) Be louder I guess. :: shrug::
I'm still stuck with some baggage while going into College. I got a tattoo in Japanese that says Freedom. It was symbolic for me, a new stage in my life. But My ex boyfriend is still hanging around and instead of letting him down, I'm stringing him along. I feel terrible. I tried to stay away from him for awhile. It had been a month since I seen him, and he was determined to see me. Every kiss said "I love you", and he looked at me so tenderly and told me how much he loved me and missed me. He made sure to kiss every inch of skin that he could and held me tightly in his arms. And the whole time I felt like shit. Fucking Shit.
I think I've fallen out of love with him. almost four years of knowing him...a year of loving him, a year of passion and and idleness. What can I say, I felt like I was drowning in mud. Warm, wet, mushy, mud. I had to get out just like I always do. The sick part about all this is that he knows me... He finally has me figured out, about my whole quest for freedom. He doesn't care who I sleep with or like as long as I stay in his shitty boring life and make him feel like we are still in love with each other. The truth is, this butterfly has fallen in love with someone else. He's mature, 5 years my senior, and driven.
I've met my fucking match. He's elusive and smart, witty as heck, and I freaking want him for my self. All of him, and he's like one of the few (out of one other guy) that I felt that I didn't want to share with anyone. He seemed like he cared about me just as much when we were in that motel room in the middle of August. He held me just as close and we laid in each others' arms, kissing every time we woke up or turned that night, and he woke up next to me, and saw me in the morning and smiled. I felt so good. He's so different in the bedroom then when he's outside with me. Suffers from a broken heart. He doesn't try and allow me to get too close to him. The thing is, we're the same type of people. If I did have him and he had me, would we really want each other as much? Maybe being just at arm's reach is what we're really after and never allowing anyone to have us for long is the key to my happiness.
Maybe I'll never be happy with anyone.
I mean I'm in college right? No need to limit myself. But I'm aching for a relationship right now. I want to commit myself to someone and be loved indefinitely, but I'm afraid of getting in a relationship and screwing shit up like I always manage to do.
Back to school.
My roommates sleeping right now, it's three o clock in the morning and school starts in a few days. Economics seems promising -_-'' Intro to Journalism a bit more so...not excited about that college mathematics class...and all three on the same day _-_ what was I thinking?...
Monday, July 28, 2008
Long Time
I haven't blogged in forever, but at the moment, I think I've found my interest in astrology growing again. Anything seems possible now that I'm out of High School. I can be anybody. I've enrolled at Columbia College in Chicago, majoring in Journalism, minor in photography. I couldn't be any happier with my choice. I plan on taking Japanese and other classes that can prepare me as a foreign correspondent. I want to be well rounded.
Other highlights in my life so far is my acting career. I'm in a play right now here in Chicago that will be touring in New York in the fall. It's been a crazy/stressful experience. Shows every night...praise..but the rehearsals were maddening. It's all paying off. I am going to be a volunteer/intern at a radio station starting this August working on different audio projects. I've been blessed. I can be anything. I've been doing it all. I was sad at first, but I'm happy again. The magazine is going well, but I plan on quitting it when the latest magazine gets printed. So I can focus on school and this lady at the school offered me a photojournalist position on the newspaper. Not many freshman if any get to work on the newspaper and I'm excited about that.
Now for astrology...I know I want that to be apart of my future.
Education in mind for the future:
Bachelor of Arts in Journalism (Columbia College Chicago)
Master of Science in Journalism (Columbia University)
Bachelor of Arts in Astrology (Kepler College)
Masters in Library Science (Dominican University)
Maybe get certified as a TOEFL teacher....
and I heard there was a masters program in psychoastrology if it ever gets accredited that is XD
Sounds like a lot...and debt for the rest of my life yeah? I don't want to stop going to school really..I want to be as knowledgeable as possible about many things. I want to see the world and learn more.
I want to do the JET Programme and teach English in Japan
and I want to join the Peace Corps and serve somewhere like Thailand or China
This is my dream, but I believe I can do it all. I really do believe that.
Well those are my plans and a brief update for now.
Other highlights in my life so far is my acting career. I'm in a play right now here in Chicago that will be touring in New York in the fall. It's been a crazy/stressful experience. Shows every night...praise..but the rehearsals were maddening. It's all paying off. I am going to be a volunteer/intern at a radio station starting this August working on different audio projects. I've been blessed. I can be anything. I've been doing it all. I was sad at first, but I'm happy again. The magazine is going well, but I plan on quitting it when the latest magazine gets printed. So I can focus on school and this lady at the school offered me a photojournalist position on the newspaper. Not many freshman if any get to work on the newspaper and I'm excited about that.
Now for astrology...I know I want that to be apart of my future.
Education in mind for the future:
Bachelor of Arts in Journalism (Columbia College Chicago)
Master of Science in Journalism (Columbia University)
Bachelor of Arts in Astrology (Kepler College)
Masters in Library Science (Dominican University)
Maybe get certified as a TOEFL teacher....
and I heard there was a masters program in psychoastrology if it ever gets accredited that is XD
Sounds like a lot...and debt for the rest of my life yeah? I don't want to stop going to school really..I want to be as knowledgeable as possible about many things. I want to see the world and learn more.
I want to do the JET Programme and teach English in Japan
and I want to join the Peace Corps and serve somewhere like Thailand or China
This is my dream, but I believe I can do it all. I really do believe that.
Well those are my plans and a brief update for now.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Free Agent
I've managed to cut off my hair finally, and now I'm doing the natural thing. Mom doesn't like it, but I do. It makes me feel freer. I've also decided to break up with my boyfriend. Haven't done it yet, but i've continued to start dating around. I've found out that at this point in my life, I'm just not the type to be in long term relationships, and I want my freedom. I love my freedom, and I love the drama in my life. So i'm making plans and I'm feeling more alive.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Break Up
I think I'm going to break up with my boyfriend. Twist there eh? It's not going anywhere, and I am. He's gotten stuck. I don't want to be stuck with him. I'm ready for a change..a real change.
Friday, February 29, 2008
A Proposal
This guy(born female) basically asked me to marry him, not going to get into the political nohows of it all. I told him that I would never get married, and he said I would if he asked me. I offered him a proposal. If we are still in touch when I'm thirty and I have traveled and worked off my youthful energy, I would marry him. It's a distant proposal, and what's the likely hood that it can happen? The whole idea is so romantic, and now I have something that will make me feel happy when I'm down. This proposal means more to me then he might think. It's funny because everytime we meet, I'm involved. I told him that I will promise not to be involved around that time, and we must find each other across time and space, and be together. Gosh...it sounds so romantic. Don't you think?
He said he done it before. We hadn't seen each other for a couple of years, and out of nowhere, he found me again, and I had felt so confused because I was in love with the man I am with now, and this man loves me. I'm being unfaithful, and I know it. I've been contemplating on whether or not I was going to go to Ohio to see my future fiance?, and it might spark something within me, but I have to go. I have to see where this leads, my destiny?
He said he done it before. We hadn't seen each other for a couple of years, and out of nowhere, he found me again, and I had felt so confused because I was in love with the man I am with now, and this man loves me. I'm being unfaithful, and I know it. I've been contemplating on whether or not I was going to go to Ohio to see my future fiance?, and it might spark something within me, but I have to go. I have to see where this leads, my destiny?
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
It's Over
Robert my old best friend...another victim to the pluto 11th house transit.
Now I really feel alone.
Now I really feel alone.
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