Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

I spent time with my boyfriend Saturday after not seeing him for a week. We had to leave each other, and I was sad for a while.
I went to the movies with my friend later on that day, and we hung out before and went to this nice Thai restaurant that had tea lights at every table and cheerful waiters that took our orders right away. I had the pad thai and some hot tea. He had soup and another dish with rice that I've forgotten the name of. There was a long conversation about politics and global events before we went off to the movie Atonement. I always loved the way he made me think. His philosophy on life seemed familiar yet quite pessimistic. We finished the tea. He paid for it all.

There was a lot of hype about the movie getting seven golden globe nominations and all, but it stretched on and on, but by the end, it made me so sad. There wasn't really a happy ending for the lovers. They never got the time to spend together as they should before they died. My friend said, "There's no hope for real love in the world". I disagreed. People find their true love and are with them their whole life. I wanted to believe in happy endings. On our train ride home he talked about the girl of his dreams, how she didn't feel the same way for him. I thought maybe she didn't know it. He said she must know, but I just don't think she feels the same way. He said how he only wanted to be with her, no attachments, no titles. Just be together and love her, and that's all he wishes for. I was jealous of this mystery girl. Jealous that someone can love so deeply and purely. But it was all wasted, and he felt that it didn't matter if you loved someone unless they loved you in return. I understood that far too well. It hurted me to see him that way. In that moment, I wanted to love him. To show him that love can still conquer all, how it feels to be loved in return with just as much intensity. But it was forbidden. Always that wall. Obligations. I'm with him. How I love him.

I talked to my love on the phone today. We're always talking on the phone mostly, then face to face. I told him how I missed him and he wanted to see me today, but some things came up. There's always something coming up. How about tomorrow. No I'm busy, how about thursday. No...next week..I told him I was frustrated. Aren't you? The truth? Yeah I am but I try not to show it. I'm lonely when you're not here. This is a long distance relationship.
He's right. This distance. It's funny how my only successful relationships with people have been long distance or with emotionally distant people. Must be a venus twelfth house thing. I miss him like hell. Can love conquer all?

Great Russian Novels

All the variety, all the charm, all the beauty of life are made up of light and shade- Tolstoy's Anna Karenina

I've been depressed as fuck lately. All of my plans for the holidays have been in disarray. Dad was angry this weekend because of financial problems, and he took his anger out on me. Came early while I was at the Kill Hannah concert yesterday that I was enjoying greatly. I had to leave before it was over. Devastated. Just fucking devastated. This whole week, one disappointment after the next, and now it's winter break, and I'm screwed and loaded with homework and scholarship applications and blah blah. I think I might just say fuck it all and stay in bed all week reading Anna Karenina.

Winter Warmth

The magazine came out Saturday, and I was at the release party enjoying a relatively modest fame among the inner circle of young writers. There was a snow blizzard, but it was warm inside. Tea lights winked and the mahogony counter tops sparkled under the dimmed lights.

I don't have a break. Even with winter vacation coming up, they've piled on me several essays and a few books to read. So I've figured this won't be the time to lay around, but a time for me to improve my self all around. I've been laying around too long moping and hoping that things will get better with school and my mental health. I looked at my solar return chart. It explained why I'm starting to feel the way I do. Ascendant is in Cancer, moon in the first house. If there was ever a time where I wanted security in my life, it'd be now.

Letting...

Damn't I'm high strung. Can't come down from this obessiveness. I want to relax and go with the flow, but I'm fighting it still. I can feel fate laughing at me cruely. Haha. Fuck you fate!!! Fuck you!!! I need winter break to come and release me from the tension. My home life, school, friends..Deadlines, homework's due, tests...What I really want to do is lay down and absorb myself in my books or my lover's warm embrace and whisper my heart's poetry in his ear. I want poetry, I want words, I want peace...I don't want to live here anymore. The problems between my mother and I have been increasing steadily. She told me with as much contempt as she could muster that she hated me, and the very sight of me sickens her. I always thought she saw my father in me, and that's why she never liked me so. I'm so much like him that I believe that's the reason I can't get close to her, or maybe it's the fucking way she talks to me. How she can break down my resistence with a few chosen words, but she doesn't have me beat. I'll make it out. Six months left behind these cold brick walls, behind closed doors, and I'll be out for good. But first, I need to learn to not let my stress take over and let it be the only thing I think about.

A Classic Love Triangle

Turn of events, I'm involved in a classic love triangle. The person I'm with now is everything I feel like I need. We were downtown at Christmas time, seeing the lights shining merrily, and the Christmas shoppers bustling around peering into the many window displays on State street. It was cold out side, but I felt warm. We held hands the whole way, and I was the proud lioness with a trophy on my shoulder. We strolled among the crowd and they appeared to be moving out of our way as we walked down those busy streets. I felt secure.

The other person, she is my equal in everything, intellect, life experiences...It's like meeting yourself, but mature and more defined. Three years ago we had the most unforgettable summer as we hung out, side by side during a leadership conference in Atlanta. I remember the first time I met her. Saw her across the room. She stood out. The intensity of her nature drew me like butterfly to nector. She was mysterious and it intrigued me. Our eyes met, and we stared at each other for what seemed like minutes.We kissed on a starry night, and passion ran deep.

I ran away that night, fearing the intensity at a young age, slipping right past her and through her fingers. I remember her calling my name. If I had not ran, we would've stayed out past curfew and scrambled through left over puddles from the rain the day before. I remembered how we danced in the rain that day. It poured and poured, but we didn't care. We felt infinite.

On the ride to the train station, I slipped my hand into hers and laid my head on her shoulder, and we stared out the window, loathing the time we would have to say goodbye. At the airline, her plane was leaving early. We thought we would have an hour to be together for one last time and say goodbye to each other properly, but she left before I could tell her...I'll miss you. We gave each other one longing look before she was swept off down the air port among the many people with their luggages, and screaming children. I felt like I had died a little. Sure we talked a bit, but lost touch. She came back into my life just around the same time as my boyfriend had. She was the reason I had left him before, all those years. We're back together again, making it work. During one of our talks on the phone she told me to...leave him, be with me.
I can't. I promised him I wouldn't leave him again.
It's too bad, that you have two people who don't want to share you.
You've made your decision.
She sounded so sad, but I can't let her go or the possibility of what could've been if distance weren't an obstacle, if I weren't involved. I told her I hadn't. I hadn't made a decision. I love him. I love you. He told me he loved me yesterday. I was silent. Instead I asked him...do you mean it? But then I changed the subject, and he allowed me too. I feel so unfaithful. because I have feelings for two people and they both love me. I'm afraid I'll break someone's heart.

Rest and Completion

I never got a chance to say high to November properly. It slipped past me. The days blur into jumbled images. Can barely remember yesterday. I've been with him for a few days it seems, rather than a month in simple bliss, I am in love? The days are the same, and they are normal days. I was so afraid of routine, stability. He calms me, and makes me want to be faithful.

I've been prone to sleep in quite a bit lately. I get up at the sound of my alarm clock, force my self in the bathroom, the bright lights glaring down, and a temporary blindness ensues, attempt to wash my face, brush my teeth, and I'm off to school, yet another day. I'm sleeping these days away now, going through the steps of living. Laying under my warm covers melting in to feathers and no concerns. At ease finally, more than I had been since the school year started. I've finished my college applications. They're sent off, waiting for that reply sometime in January. January I'd have to decide my fate. It's been an incredible weight lifted off me. The magazine is done. I held the proofs in my hand last week, and I cradled it in my arms as a new born infant love child, as my good friend said from the magazine. It's too bad he's in rehab, I missed his wit and insightful prose poetry. I felt the pages at my fingertips. Joy. I love my job, I'm loving life. I feel like my fiery, adventerous nature has been tamed for the moment. I am fine with staying in this place for a while before I'd have the urge to move on.