Poly me more than one

As I'm sitting here, I might be losing the one man I know I should be with. I've been living my life and not writing. I don't even know where to begin. There's been so much going on. The older guy left last night and I went over my ex and slept with him again. I wanted to be held. I wanted to be loved. I wanted to be comforted. The other guy did not do that the night he left. We spent the whole day together, and I enjoyed his company since the night he came over. Not exactly. I had a favorite uncle die and he came over moping about his ex lover and how he did her wrong. He said he didn't want to hurt me. He involved me in this non relationship, and I've grown to care for him so much. He can't just push me away like he's trying to do. I'm tired. Maybe I'll write more later.

Fucking Up

I fucked up again. After breaking up with my boyfriend I got with the guy who fought and won me fair and square. I deserve better. I'm tired of seeing potential in these guys and not getting what I deserve. I deserve the man I'm with. My newly ex boyfriend came back in town and it took me only three days to sleep with him again. What the hell was I thinking. Even though it's not official with the guy I'm with, I can't help but feel like I've cheated on him. Maybe I'm just an attention whore and the person who gives me that attention, I just gravitate toward them. I really love this guy. He's so capable and smart. So what if he hasn't been around me for two days? This is ridiculas. The ex and I will not get together...even after sleeping with him, I still know that to be true. But then why did I sleep with him? Maybe there was some lingering feelings...a goodbye fuck. The sad part about all this is that I don't know if I won't sleep with him again. When I'm around him, I want to kiss him. He's not mature enough, corny, and broke. But he's good in bed and for some strange reason I still wanted to be around him. He cheated on me and Hurt me more than once. He doesn't deserve me. I think I just wanted to have sex. I will not get back with him. There was too much shit I took because of him.

Fuck me and the other guy never said we were exclusive but I want to be with him. It makes me wonder if I can ever be truly faithful. Am I just not a one person woman? Damn. I'm afraid to tell him that I slept with my ex. I wonder what he would say to me. I made so much progress with him. He was hanging out with me so much and we grew so close. I could feel our love for each other grow. I even imagined that we were kind of married the five days that we were together in a row. He kept saying this is what married life must be like. Coming home to someone everyday and having that person wake up next to you. He told me even before that how now he can't stand sleeping alone. He is someone who compliments me. He is someone I want and need in my life. I don't need my ex back in my life like this other man. I've chosen and I can't keep running back to the past and live in the here and now. I need to stop thinking about these imaginary futures. Fuck man. Don't be stupid Lori. There is a reason why the exes are exes. They couldn't provide you with the growth you needed.
They'll stunt your growth. They're lame and not on the same level as you whether it be mentally physically and/or emotionally. I will reach for
the fucking stars. I deserve the guy I'm with. It's about time that I have higher standards. Don't settle for less. Don't just go out with a guy cause he seems nice or because you think you need to be in a relationship cause you're lonely. Settle for more.