This summer was supposed to be about me getting my life situated, but it's been a mess. Fucking chaotic. I've lost friends and I've gained lots of time alone. I know I'm at a stage in my life where it's about me focusing on myself and my career. But all I want to do is hold on to the relationships I have left. It's a constant tug of war, but I know I must let them go, and if it was meant to be, they'll come back to me.
I've been having lots of money issues recently. Basically shit with financial aid. I've been thrifty with my money this summer since I've been saving up for my own place. It looks likely now, but I'm hoping this place doesn't sell before I can go up there and turn in my application. This apartment hunting business has been an eye opening experience, cut throat, and brutal. I was going to have a roommate, but when we couldn't find a place we both agreed on, in the end, that fell through. So I decided to work some more and save up for a studio. In the end, that's the best thing for me anyway. I wanted to have something that was mine. No one elses, and I've found a great place in Uptown. It's amazing actually. Big studio, nice lighting, and a big walk in closet for only 565 and includes all utilities except electric. It's three blocks from the El. The characters around the place are interesting, but I like how there's a nice blend there. All different ethnicities, and it still feels like an authentic neighborhood, not too white washed or yuppiesh yet. I'm thrilled to finally have my own place and stay out of my mother's house for good, and when school starts back, at least I'll feel like I'm working on my career. I won't feel like I'm doing anything productive.
My relationship with Leo is still somewhat icky. We're trying, but it's funny how the other woman we use to see poisons our relationship even though we're not even involved with her anymore. She decided to cut us both out of her life, and I said if that was it, then you're dead to me...and she tells him the same thing. Now he's upset cause he doesn't want her to hate him, but I'm sure it's nothing he can do about it now. There's too much bad blood, and she still thinks that he chose me over her.It's whatever. I just want to have my relationship with Leo, and have it work out. Meanwhile J has been there for me through thick and thin, and I love him for that. Even after the crazy drama that is Leo and this other woman, he's always there when I cry and feel down. Not to mention the mind blowing sex we have. I just want successful relationships, a good job, and money to pay all of my bills. -sigh- I am trying. I'm trying my best, but I don't have as many people to depend on like I once thought I had. I feel like I'm fending for myself sometimes.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Monday, July 6, 2009
Some Yo-yoing shit...
Some of my immediate plans have been turned upside down on its head. One thing is the apartment situation. I'm completely on my own with it, and I have to work twice as hard to save the cash to move by September 1st. I saw an awesome place that I'm sure will be snatched up before I'm able to pay for it by myself. It's just one disappointment after the next, and I'm wondering when will the stress and strain ease up...
It was me and Leo's two year anniversary of meeting on July 4. It was a chance encounter. I was waiting for the bus for hours after coming back from the Taste of Chicago fireworks in 2007, and it was two in the morning before I was finally able to get on a bus. He was just getting off of work. I remember thinking he was someone I'd like to talk to, and I did. He had some role playing game book I asked him about that I thought was cool, and we talked for the whole bus ride and traded instant message names. I don't know why I didn't think he'd IM me, but he did a day later and we began our friendship which would turn into something more. We finally got to be with each other two years later on that same late night. He got us a room downtown at a motel for the night on some spur of the moment shit, and we made love all night. That's what I would have to call it, making love, not just sex. Every part of my body was on fire and I was truly in the moment. We slept so soundly in each others' arms, and continued the love making in the morning until I had to run off to work that afternoon. I thought things had finally improved, but things didn't change that easily. I still don't see him when I want to and we didn't talk at all or communicate until today over twitter...
I wanted to vent to him about my frustrations with my money situation and feeling stuck him over my mother's house for the time being, and I couldn't cause I couldn't really get in touch with him. It made me so sad...It's like I better just learn to cherish the moments I do have when he can be so passionate and perfect. These moments are so few and far in between now that all I can remember is the bad shit. The shit he put me through...the countless yo-yoing...as if my life wasn't already erratic enough...he had to display the same behavior. I want shit to work out in my life, but this is one of those times right now where it's about the trials more than the tribulations. I'm just anxious to see my pay off. I've been working so hard in summer school to get ahead and working as many hours as I can to get my own place, and it's like I have minimal support. I need some encouragement. I need someone to believe in me, and right now I feel like I'm in the wilderness all alone, fighting to live another day...and there seems to be no end in sight...
It was me and Leo's two year anniversary of meeting on July 4. It was a chance encounter. I was waiting for the bus for hours after coming back from the Taste of Chicago fireworks in 2007, and it was two in the morning before I was finally able to get on a bus. He was just getting off of work. I remember thinking he was someone I'd like to talk to, and I did. He had some role playing game book I asked him about that I thought was cool, and we talked for the whole bus ride and traded instant message names. I don't know why I didn't think he'd IM me, but he did a day later and we began our friendship which would turn into something more. We finally got to be with each other two years later on that same late night. He got us a room downtown at a motel for the night on some spur of the moment shit, and we made love all night. That's what I would have to call it, making love, not just sex. Every part of my body was on fire and I was truly in the moment. We slept so soundly in each others' arms, and continued the love making in the morning until I had to run off to work that afternoon. I thought things had finally improved, but things didn't change that easily. I still don't see him when I want to and we didn't talk at all or communicate until today over twitter...
I wanted to vent to him about my frustrations with my money situation and feeling stuck him over my mother's house for the time being, and I couldn't cause I couldn't really get in touch with him. It made me so sad...It's like I better just learn to cherish the moments I do have when he can be so passionate and perfect. These moments are so few and far in between now that all I can remember is the bad shit. The shit he put me through...the countless yo-yoing...as if my life wasn't already erratic enough...he had to display the same behavior. I want shit to work out in my life, but this is one of those times right now where it's about the trials more than the tribulations. I'm just anxious to see my pay off. I've been working so hard in summer school to get ahead and working as many hours as I can to get my own place, and it's like I have minimal support. I need some encouragement. I need someone to believe in me, and right now I feel like I'm in the wilderness all alone, fighting to live another day...and there seems to be no end in sight...
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