Laying in Ruin

This summer was supposed to be about me getting my life situated, but it's been a mess. Fucking chaotic. I've lost friends and I've gained lots of time alone. I know I'm at a stage in my life where it's about me focusing on myself and my career. But all I want to do is hold on to the relationships I have left. It's a constant tug of war, but I know I must let them go, and if it was meant to be, they'll come back to me.

I've been having lots of money issues recently. Basically shit with financial aid. I've been thrifty with my money this summer since I've been saving up for my own place. It looks likely now, but I'm hoping this place doesn't sell before I can go up there and turn in my application. This apartment hunting business has been an eye opening experience, cut throat, and brutal. I was going to have a roommate, but when we couldn't find a place we both agreed on, in the end, that fell through. So I decided to work some more and save up for a studio. In the end, that's the best thing for me anyway. I wanted to have something that was mine. No one elses, and I've found a great place in Uptown. It's amazing actually. Big studio, nice lighting, and a big walk in closet for only 565 and includes all utilities except electric. It's three blocks from the El. The characters around the place are interesting, but I like how there's a nice blend there. All different ethnicities, and it still feels like an authentic neighborhood, not too white washed or yuppiesh yet. I'm thrilled to finally have my own place and stay out of my mother's house for good, and when school starts back, at least I'll feel like I'm working on my career. I won't feel like I'm doing anything productive.

My relationship with Leo is still somewhat icky. We're trying, but it's funny how the other woman we use to see poisons our relationship even though we're not even involved with her anymore. She decided to cut us both out of her life, and I said if that was it, then you're dead to me...and she tells him the same thing. Now he's upset cause he doesn't want her to hate him, but I'm sure it's nothing he can do about it now. There's too much bad blood, and she still thinks that he chose me over her.It's whatever. I just want to have my relationship with Leo, and have it work out. Meanwhile J has been there for me through thick and thin, and I love him for that. Even after the crazy drama that is Leo and this other woman, he's always there when I cry and feel down. Not to mention the mind blowing sex we have. I just want successful relationships, a good job, and money to pay all of my bills. -sigh- I am trying. I'm trying my best, but I don't have as many people to depend on like I once thought I had. I feel like I'm fending for myself sometimes.