Jealousy

I'm finding it hard to control my jealousy. It's the fact that Leo hangs out more with his friends then me. It's the fact that his fucking ex girlfriend sees him more than I do, and I have a strong feeling that something is still going on between them. I'm finding it hard to keep my composure. So he told me he was busy today, and now I think he's at a party. I'm so upset. I wanted to spend some time with him, and he's at a fucking party? Does he not want to spend time with me? I feel so worthless and self conscious about myself. It really is like what the fuck now. I seen him for like an hour and a half today, and then just to send him off. I probably won't see him for the rest of the week...and then maybe hope to get a few glimpses of him next week. His birthday is next week. He might be going out of town for that weekend next week. When will my time come? When will I be important enough to take some time out of his busy fucking day to come see me and spend time with me. I'm so hurt by this right now. I'm always asking, and I hardly see any results. I'm working my ass off, and it would be nice to have my boyfriend around to talk to and relieve some of my stress. But no...I'm sitting at home for another fucking night alone while he goes off to have his fun with whomever. It's like fuck her for right now. Who cares about her...Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.

Friends: How many of us have them?

I once thought I had friends I could depend on, lean on. I put so much of my hope and dreams into them just to have it all thrown in my face. This is a harsh taste of reality, and a sign that I'm growing up some people would say. Friends grow apart, and life situations change. Sometimes you grow up, and realize you're not the person you use to be. And that person you use to be, doesn't necessarily go with the present. Friends leave you. They come and go like lovers. I thought friendship was supposed to be forever, and lovers come and go, but it's all the same. For me, there has always been a very thin line between a friend and a lover. I loved my friends so fiercely that I would fall in love with them, and sometimes get into petty arguments and become jealous if they didn't give me the attention I wanted. I thought more highly of my friends then my lovers, whom I couldn't open up and give my heart to. But friends break hearts too.

Things have changed now. All I have is my lovers. We make love occasionally, hang out and talk about any topic of the day, but I'm strangely lacking friends at the moment. That part of my life seems so barren. Maybe it's a phase I'm going through at the moment, but now I don't trust as easily as I use to. I'm more cautious about who I spend my time with. The after effects are lonely ol' me. My lovers are at work trying to get themselves together, and all I can think about is myself. I want my time. I want to be loved and held and talk about shit going on with me. I want them to pay attention to me. I'm tired of feeling this way.

With school around the corner, and I might be getting ready to move if I'm approved for this apartment, there won't be that much time to hang out anyway. Maybe this is some type of people detox the universe is telling me to go on. I need to be selfish and focus on me, and I'm associating myself with people who have to do the same thing. But I'm lonely. I shouldn't feel lonely.