I once thought I had friends I could depend on, lean on. I put so much of my hope and dreams into them just to have it all thrown in my face. This is a harsh taste of reality, and a sign that I'm growing up some people would say. Friends grow apart, and life situations change. Sometimes you grow up, and realize you're not the person you use to be. And that person you use to be, doesn't necessarily go with the present. Friends leave you. They come and go like lovers. I thought friendship was supposed to be forever, and lovers come and go, but it's all the same. For me, there has always been a very thin line between a friend and a lover. I loved my friends so fiercely that I would fall in love with them, and sometimes get into petty arguments and become jealous if they didn't give me the attention I wanted. I thought more highly of my friends then my lovers, whom I couldn't open up and give my heart to. But friends break hearts too.
Things have changed now. All I have is my lovers. We make love occasionally, hang out and talk about any topic of the day, but I'm strangely lacking friends at the moment. That part of my life seems so barren. Maybe it's a phase I'm going through at the moment, but now I don't trust as easily as I use to. I'm more cautious about who I spend my time with. The after effects are lonely ol' me. My lovers are at work trying to get themselves together, and all I can think about is myself. I want my time. I want to be loved and held and talk about shit going on with me. I want them to pay attention to me. I'm tired of feeling this way.
With school around the corner, and I might be getting ready to move if I'm approved for this apartment, there won't be that much time to hang out anyway. Maybe this is some type of people detox the universe is telling me to go on. I need to be selfish and focus on me, and I'm associating myself with people who have to do the same thing. But I'm lonely. I shouldn't feel lonely.
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