It's been a long time...

...since I posted on this thing. Looks like someone spammed up my last post. I'm starting to think that maybe I should just delete the damn whole page.

But yeah, back to my life... I'm still with Leo, and he still doesn't know what he wants–– but I know what I want. I know how much I'm in love with him even after the three years of torment and confusion he put me through. After the tears and heartache and lying... But now he practically lives with me. At first, I figured that he came over so much because he was trying to get his life back together. But he had a job at an IT company making a salary. It seemed as if he was getting back on track, and he wanted to work on our relationship and continue where we left off. But now he has been fired from his job. It surprised the hell out of me, but it gave him more energy. He saw the loss as an opportunity to start anew. Maybe he could find a better job than the last. Maybe, he could figure out how useful he was to the world.

He took it upon himself to clean up my place and cook me dinner each night after he got laid off. Even his sex drive increased. Our intimate moments together were so passionate. I don't mean hot porn sex or something, but real intimacy. I loved it. I loved him holding me at night, I love seeing his face every morning and smelling his strong scent. Our clothes are mingled together in my closet, and his toothbrush sits next to mines. But after being turned down in an interview and receiving very few call-backs from his job hunting, he has lost his confidence. The sex has disappeared and he didn't want to leave the comforts of my home. I made him hang out with his friends today, but I miss him.

Once you get use to sleeping with someone, it's hard to get out of that mode. I love him to death, but I don't want him using me as a comfort pillow. I know he's probably still seeing Marissa on the weekends, but I'm learning to be fine with that again. I realize she's a part of his life and I want him to be happy. I want us to be happy together. I truly believe we are good for each other, and we deserve to be together. I don't think I've ever felt this way about a man before. I have the urge to settle down with him. I want to make a home with him, and even though one of my plans was to teach English somewhere in Asia. But I don't want to leave Chicago if it means leaving him. I told myself that if things go well with us this next year, I would stay. So we shall see if things work out well for us. Apparently we aren't "officially" together, but we are in every sense of the word. From spending all of our time together, to intimate moments, etc...

I'm so happy to have him around me. I don't want a life without him.
I'm currently trying to finish school and get my career off the ground, but it's been hard for me to focus on one particular thing. I'm still thinking about getting a grad degree in Library Science, but Leo would like for me to follow my original goal to be a freelance writer and photographer. But I'm not too confident that, that would help me pay the bills. I want to freelance on the side and library science could be my steady bread-winner. I could probably just do freelance indexing while I'm writing articles and doing photo shoots. Maybe I can get my own studio. I don't know. I'm only 20 so I still have some time to get it together. We both are trying to get it together, and I know it won't be easy. In my new dream future, I want us to get a condo together. He'll be working some IT job that pays at least 50-60k a year while I'll be the freelance artist/writer. My locs would be long and I would be slim and beautiful. He'd be invited to go to his boss's house and he couldn't help but brag about my successes. Maybe I'd have a photo gallery opening at the Museum of Contemporary Art and one of my articles would be featured in The New Yorker. When I'm not working on an article or some photo project, I'd be doing some freelance library work and working on my novel. I want him to be proud of me. I want to be proud of me! And I want a stable life with him; that is my new dream.