Checking in

Still together. What now? He's not here. He's hanging out with his friends and all I want is for him to be by my side. Sometimes I think what I feel for him is some kind of obsession. It won't die down. It won't go away.

We need to have another conversation. I need to know where we are going and how he feels about us. God, but I'm so afraid of bringing up the conversation with him. What else is there for me to post about. This is all I think about. I hate sleeping alone on the weekends.

It's been a long time...

...since I posted on this thing. Looks like someone spammed up my last post. I'm starting to think that maybe I should just delete the damn whole page.

But yeah, back to my life... I'm still with Leo, and he still doesn't know what he wants–– but I know what I want. I know how much I'm in love with him even after the three years of torment and confusion he put me through. After the tears and heartache and lying... But now he practically lives with me. At first, I figured that he came over so much because he was trying to get his life back together. But he had a job at an IT company making a salary. It seemed as if he was getting back on track, and he wanted to work on our relationship and continue where we left off. But now he has been fired from his job. It surprised the hell out of me, but it gave him more energy. He saw the loss as an opportunity to start anew. Maybe he could find a better job than the last. Maybe, he could figure out how useful he was to the world.

He took it upon himself to clean up my place and cook me dinner each night after he got laid off. Even his sex drive increased. Our intimate moments together were so passionate. I don't mean hot porn sex or something, but real intimacy. I loved it. I loved him holding me at night, I love seeing his face every morning and smelling his strong scent. Our clothes are mingled together in my closet, and his toothbrush sits next to mines. But after being turned down in an interview and receiving very few call-backs from his job hunting, he has lost his confidence. The sex has disappeared and he didn't want to leave the comforts of my home. I made him hang out with his friends today, but I miss him.

Once you get use to sleeping with someone, it's hard to get out of that mode. I love him to death, but I don't want him using me as a comfort pillow. I know he's probably still seeing Marissa on the weekends, but I'm learning to be fine with that again. I realize she's a part of his life and I want him to be happy. I want us to be happy together. I truly believe we are good for each other, and we deserve to be together. I don't think I've ever felt this way about a man before. I have the urge to settle down with him. I want to make a home with him, and even though one of my plans was to teach English somewhere in Asia. But I don't want to leave Chicago if it means leaving him. I told myself that if things go well with us this next year, I would stay. So we shall see if things work out well for us. Apparently we aren't "officially" together, but we are in every sense of the word. From spending all of our time together, to intimate moments, etc...

I'm so happy to have him around me. I don't want a life without him.
I'm currently trying to finish school and get my career off the ground, but it's been hard for me to focus on one particular thing. I'm still thinking about getting a grad degree in Library Science, but Leo would like for me to follow my original goal to be a freelance writer and photographer. But I'm not too confident that, that would help me pay the bills. I want to freelance on the side and library science could be my steady bread-winner. I could probably just do freelance indexing while I'm writing articles and doing photo shoots. Maybe I can get my own studio. I don't know. I'm only 20 so I still have some time to get it together. We both are trying to get it together, and I know it won't be easy. In my new dream future, I want us to get a condo together. He'll be working some IT job that pays at least 50-60k a year while I'll be the freelance artist/writer. My locs would be long and I would be slim and beautiful. He'd be invited to go to his boss's house and he couldn't help but brag about my successes. Maybe I'd have a photo gallery opening at the Museum of Contemporary Art and one of my articles would be featured in The New Yorker. When I'm not working on an article or some photo project, I'd be doing some freelance library work and working on my novel. I want him to be proud of me. I want to be proud of me! And I want a stable life with him; that is my new dream.

Jealousy

I'm finding it hard to control my jealousy. It's the fact that Leo hangs out more with his friends then me. It's the fact that his fucking ex girlfriend sees him more than I do, and I have a strong feeling that something is still going on between them. I'm finding it hard to keep my composure. So he told me he was busy today, and now I think he's at a party. I'm so upset. I wanted to spend some time with him, and he's at a fucking party? Does he not want to spend time with me? I feel so worthless and self conscious about myself. It really is like what the fuck now. I seen him for like an hour and a half today, and then just to send him off. I probably won't see him for the rest of the week...and then maybe hope to get a few glimpses of him next week. His birthday is next week. He might be going out of town for that weekend next week. When will my time come? When will I be important enough to take some time out of his busy fucking day to come see me and spend time with me. I'm so hurt by this right now. I'm always asking, and I hardly see any results. I'm working my ass off, and it would be nice to have my boyfriend around to talk to and relieve some of my stress. But no...I'm sitting at home for another fucking night alone while he goes off to have his fun with whomever. It's like fuck her for right now. Who cares about her...Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.

Friends: How many of us have them?

I once thought I had friends I could depend on, lean on. I put so much of my hope and dreams into them just to have it all thrown in my face. This is a harsh taste of reality, and a sign that I'm growing up some people would say. Friends grow apart, and life situations change. Sometimes you grow up, and realize you're not the person you use to be. And that person you use to be, doesn't necessarily go with the present. Friends leave you. They come and go like lovers. I thought friendship was supposed to be forever, and lovers come and go, but it's all the same. For me, there has always been a very thin line between a friend and a lover. I loved my friends so fiercely that I would fall in love with them, and sometimes get into petty arguments and become jealous if they didn't give me the attention I wanted. I thought more highly of my friends then my lovers, whom I couldn't open up and give my heart to. But friends break hearts too.

Things have changed now. All I have is my lovers. We make love occasionally, hang out and talk about any topic of the day, but I'm strangely lacking friends at the moment. That part of my life seems so barren. Maybe it's a phase I'm going through at the moment, but now I don't trust as easily as I use to. I'm more cautious about who I spend my time with. The after effects are lonely ol' me. My lovers are at work trying to get themselves together, and all I can think about is myself. I want my time. I want to be loved and held and talk about shit going on with me. I want them to pay attention to me. I'm tired of feeling this way.

With school around the corner, and I might be getting ready to move if I'm approved for this apartment, there won't be that much time to hang out anyway. Maybe this is some type of people detox the universe is telling me to go on. I need to be selfish and focus on me, and I'm associating myself with people who have to do the same thing. But I'm lonely. I shouldn't feel lonely.

Laying in Ruin

This summer was supposed to be about me getting my life situated, but it's been a mess. Fucking chaotic. I've lost friends and I've gained lots of time alone. I know I'm at a stage in my life where it's about me focusing on myself and my career. But all I want to do is hold on to the relationships I have left. It's a constant tug of war, but I know I must let them go, and if it was meant to be, they'll come back to me.

I've been having lots of money issues recently. Basically shit with financial aid. I've been thrifty with my money this summer since I've been saving up for my own place. It looks likely now, but I'm hoping this place doesn't sell before I can go up there and turn in my application. This apartment hunting business has been an eye opening experience, cut throat, and brutal. I was going to have a roommate, but when we couldn't find a place we both agreed on, in the end, that fell through. So I decided to work some more and save up for a studio. In the end, that's the best thing for me anyway. I wanted to have something that was mine. No one elses, and I've found a great place in Uptown. It's amazing actually. Big studio, nice lighting, and a big walk in closet for only 565 and includes all utilities except electric. It's three blocks from the El. The characters around the place are interesting, but I like how there's a nice blend there. All different ethnicities, and it still feels like an authentic neighborhood, not too white washed or yuppiesh yet. I'm thrilled to finally have my own place and stay out of my mother's house for good, and when school starts back, at least I'll feel like I'm working on my career. I won't feel like I'm doing anything productive.

My relationship with Leo is still somewhat icky. We're trying, but it's funny how the other woman we use to see poisons our relationship even though we're not even involved with her anymore. She decided to cut us both out of her life, and I said if that was it, then you're dead to me...and she tells him the same thing. Now he's upset cause he doesn't want her to hate him, but I'm sure it's nothing he can do about it now. There's too much bad blood, and she still thinks that he chose me over her.It's whatever. I just want to have my relationship with Leo, and have it work out. Meanwhile J has been there for me through thick and thin, and I love him for that. Even after the crazy drama that is Leo and this other woman, he's always there when I cry and feel down. Not to mention the mind blowing sex we have. I just want successful relationships, a good job, and money to pay all of my bills. -sigh- I am trying. I'm trying my best, but I don't have as many people to depend on like I once thought I had. I feel like I'm fending for myself sometimes.

Some Yo-yoing shit...

Some of my immediate plans have been turned upside down on its head. One thing is the apartment situation. I'm completely on my own with it, and I have to work twice as hard to save the cash to move by September 1st. I saw an awesome place that I'm sure will be snatched up before I'm able to pay for it by myself. It's just one disappointment after the next, and I'm wondering when will the stress and strain ease up...

It was me and Leo's two year anniversary of meeting on July 4. It was a chance encounter. I was waiting for the bus for hours after coming back from the Taste of Chicago fireworks in 2007, and it was two in the morning before I was finally able to get on a bus. He was just getting off of work. I remember thinking he was someone I'd like to talk to, and I did. He had some role playing game book I asked him about that I thought was cool, and we talked for the whole bus ride and traded instant message names. I don't know why I didn't think he'd IM me, but he did a day later and we began our friendship which would turn into something more. We finally got to be with each other two years later on that same late night. He got us a room downtown at a motel for the night on some spur of the moment shit, and we made love all night. That's what I would have to call it, making love, not just sex. Every part of my body was on fire and I was truly in the moment. We slept so soundly in each others' arms, and continued the love making in the morning until I had to run off to work that afternoon. I thought things had finally improved, but things didn't change that easily. I still don't see him when I want to and we didn't talk at all or communicate until today over twitter...

I wanted to vent to him about my frustrations with my money situation and feeling stuck him over my mother's house for the time being, and I couldn't cause I couldn't really get in touch with him. It made me so sad...It's like I better just learn to cherish the moments I do have when he can be so passionate and perfect. These moments are so few and far in between now that all I can remember is the bad shit. The shit he put me through...the countless yo-yoing...as if my life wasn't already erratic enough...he had to display the same behavior. I want shit to work out in my life, but this is one of those times right now where it's about the trials more than the tribulations. I'm just anxious to see my pay off. I've been working so hard in summer school to get ahead and working as many hours as I can to get my own place, and it's like I have minimal support. I need some encouragement. I need someone to believe in me, and right now I feel like I'm in the wilderness all alone, fighting to live another day...and there seems to be no end in sight...

"...my happiness with human beings is so precarious,

my confiding moods rare, & the least sign of disinterest is enough to silence me..."-- Anais Nin