Disney Lied to Me About Those Happy Fairytale Endings

The Shit has really hit the fan, and now I'm losing my mind. Seriously.

Well I feel like my life is one big hurricane drowning everyone around me. Most days I want to lay in bed and never get up. I brought every one's mood down with my depressive state, and as a gift to my Comic class, I wrote a sad children's story. It was about a little girl who loved to swim like the fishes. She would imagine herself as if she were a little mermaid and could speak the magical language of fishes. She loves the color blue because it reminds her of the sky and the sea that she loves so much. As she gets older, she starts loving the color black more and soon she wears no more blue. She's grown up and her magical world only known to children, is gone forever more.

I was a jerk for that I know. But then this one guy today during class told me the true Little Mermaid story. Oh, how I was disillusioned! By the end of the fairy tale the prince doesn't marry the little mermaid but marries someone else, she kills her self, and the evil witch murders her father. Morbid...I've become very interested in fairy tales now.

Speaking of disillusionment, comic books are sad things. That's my conclusion, and I'll argue this until my dying day to anyone who would disagree with me. I have an all new take on comic books from this class and they all have some sad thing about them. Like for instance, Ghost World, oh my gawd, so fucking sad. It reminded me of a recent break up I had with my best friend of eight years. It was time, just like it was time in Ghost World. It's in my nature for me to want friends to remain so, I have a history of holding on to bad friendships cause I'm afraid I can't do any better. How backwards am I to value friendships over romantic relationships? I could care less right now. I just feel sad in general. Been thinking about college, and I'm tired of thinking about it. People pressuring me to choose other colleges. You can do so much better than Columbia...why don't you try a University, Ivy League. They don't care about what I truly want. I want to go to a college where I can spread my wings and meet new people. I hate academics. Send me off to an art college. I'm worried about how I'm going to pay for it. All of this is making me wish I were six again and none of this crap mattered. Those were simpler days. I miss my magical world. The real one is getting on my nerves.

I'm coming to terms with the fact that I hate writing poetry. It's just not for me. I can't force myself. I'm a part time writer. I write when I feel like it. Don't know if that makes me less of a writer or what. I enjoy reading more, I like the conciseness of a journalistic piece. I find that alot of times I want to get to the hard cold facts and fuck the imagery fluffy shit. I want to shock and upset people with the truth. I think. I think...I think...tooo much. Don't know what to do with my life anymore. My best friend is moving farther away from me I fear. We were the closest we've ever been in a while this week. I want to stick with him, go to the same college, live together. I don't want to part with him. I feel like I'll fall apart if one more thing changes.

Dad said losing your mind or having a nervous breakdown is to die while still dwelling here on earth. Do you agree?

Depression

I don't know why I keep having these highs and lows. Right now I feel like dropping out of school and standing in front of a CTA bus so they can run me over, and hopefully back up and run me over a few more times.

Post at a later date...

Stronger

It's one of those rare days. I felt good and oozed sweet honeyed confidence that made heads turn, because I believed in that moment that I was something special and it showed. In that moment I glowed golden.

Today I thought about everything I've done up until now, and I'm so damn proud of myself. Things turned out as good as they could ever have. It was like the sun was shining just for me. No rising moons. Articles at the magazine are done earlier then the final deadline, and my editor loved them all, no more edits, and I have the best got damn school schedule ever which consists of:
World Lit
20th Century History
Psychology
Photography
Desktop Publishing
and Yearbook
I start my poetry and chapbook class saturday at this organization called Young Chicago Authors. Fucking great place with amazing writers who's shit is even better than most of the other crap that gets published out there. I'm happy that's starting again because this communityof artists support and nuture each other, and you can't help but grow . This place is like my home away from home. I'm there at least twice a week whether it be for the open mics, the magazine meetings, or the writing classes. I'm doing all of these things and it's sad that it's taken me a while to realize how great I've been. (sounds cocky). I don't give a fuck. At the age of seventeen, I've already accomplished many of my goals, to become a writer(and I get paid for it). I've been in a professional theatre production, taken free art classes, completed a few documetaries...and the list goes on... I'm in a community of like minded creative individuals who can hold an intelligent conversation, and amazing friends where I have the most magical moments with that many would say are only told in stories. Why shouldn't I be happy? I'm at the crossroads, between adolescence and adulthood, and I can feel things are changing. My attitude towards life, how I carry myself...I'm a got damn individual! I'm more sure of myself then I've ever been before. Me acknowledging all of this, becoming aware of the unconscious, my doubts and fears is making me stronger.

No Control/Random Ramblings

So it has come to my attention that I get off on controlling people. Not consciously. I do it in subtle and hidden ways. Alot of times I don't realize I'm doing it. I'd say or do something hoping that I can make this person say what I want them to say. It's there life right? I shall detach and stay away.
This year's focus was about control, or the lesson that I need to learn to go with the flow. The flow...which I can't go. Instead I'm a stubborn person, rock solid to the core. Hard and colorless. I boast about being liberal and accepting. Instead I'm a person who holds far out opinions and sticks with them and loathe the other person if they don't agree with my viewpoints. I think I've learned a lesson, why the shit in my life is going wrong. I'm trying to control the situation and receive the things I want, and the universe is constantly denying me these things. Maybe because it really isn't what I need. I think in the end that I've gone a bit crazy. I talk to myself a bit more now adays, and the weird thing is that I don't realize that I'm saying these things. I don't mean hearing voices, but just overthinking to the point where I'm saying my daily schedule over and over again, trying to gain some sort of answer to why the hell am I getting my self involved in all of this shit. I swear I'm going to have an ulcers by the time that I'm twenty-one. Sleep means nothing to me, my dreams are as clear as they ever were when I do sleep. Insomnia runs my life nowadays. It's like my brain has this leaky faucet I can't turn off and I keep thinking these deep random ass thoughts. I have whole conversations and debates, and by the time I reach some sort of conclusion, the sun has risen and it's time for me to get up and face the next fucking day talking to myself about the things I need to do that day. And it goes on and on...Every got damn day...