The Shit has really hit the fan, and now I'm losing my mind. Seriously.
Well I feel like my life is one big hurricane drowning everyone around me. Most days I want to lay in bed and never get up. I brought every one's mood down with my depressive state, and as a gift to my Comic class, I wrote a sad children's story. It was about a little girl who loved to swim like the fishes. She would imagine herself as if she were a little mermaid and could speak the magical language of fishes. She loves the color blue because it reminds her of the sky and the sea that she loves so much. As she gets older, she starts loving the color black more and soon she wears no more blue. She's grown up and her magical world only known to children, is gone forever more.
I was a jerk for that I know. But then this one guy today during class told me the true Little Mermaid story. Oh, how I was disillusioned! By the end of the fairy tale the prince doesn't marry the little mermaid but marries someone else, she kills her self, and the evil witch murders her father. Morbid...I've become very interested in fairy tales now.
Speaking of disillusionment, comic books are sad things. That's my conclusion, and I'll argue this until my dying day to anyone who would disagree with me. I have an all new take on comic books from this class and they all have some sad thing about them. Like for instance, Ghost World, oh my gawd, so fucking sad. It reminded me of a recent break up I had with my best friend of eight years. It was time, just like it was time in Ghost World. It's in my nature for me to want friends to remain so, I have a history of holding on to bad friendships cause I'm afraid I can't do any better. How backwards am I to value friendships over romantic relationships? I could care less right now. I just feel sad in general. Been thinking about college, and I'm tired of thinking about it. People pressuring me to choose other colleges. You can do so much better than Columbia...why don't you try a University, Ivy League. They don't care about what I truly want. I want to go to a college where I can spread my wings and meet new people. I hate academics. Send me off to an art college. I'm worried about how I'm going to pay for it. All of this is making me wish I were six again and none of this crap mattered. Those were simpler days. I miss my magical world. The real one is getting on my nerves.
I'm coming to terms with the fact that I hate writing poetry. It's just not for me. I can't force myself. I'm a part time writer. I write when I feel like it. Don't know if that makes me less of a writer or what. I enjoy reading more, I like the conciseness of a journalistic piece. I find that alot of times I want to get to the hard cold facts and fuck the imagery fluffy shit. I want to shock and upset people with the truth. I think. I think...I think...tooo much. Don't know what to do with my life anymore. My best friend is moving farther away from me I fear. We were the closest we've ever been in a while this week. I want to stick with him, go to the same college, live together. I don't want to part with him. I feel like I'll fall apart if one more thing changes.
Dad said losing your mind or having a nervous breakdown is to die while still dwelling here on earth. Do you agree?
1 comment:
Nervous breakdowns are the beginning to enlightenment. I've had several.
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