So it has come to my attention that I get off on controlling people. Not consciously. I do it in subtle and hidden ways. Alot of times I don't realize I'm doing it. I'd say or do something hoping that I can make this person say what I want them to say. It's there life right? I shall detach and stay away.
This year's focus was about control, or the lesson that I need to learn to go with the flow. The flow...which I can't go. Instead I'm a stubborn person, rock solid to the core. Hard and colorless. I boast about being liberal and accepting. Instead I'm a person who holds far out opinions and sticks with them and loathe the other person if they don't agree with my viewpoints. I think I've learned a lesson, why the shit in my life is going wrong. I'm trying to control the situation and receive the things I want, and the universe is constantly denying me these things. Maybe because it really isn't what I need. I think in the end that I've gone a bit crazy. I talk to myself a bit more now adays, and the weird thing is that I don't realize that I'm saying these things. I don't mean hearing voices, but just overthinking to the point where I'm saying my daily schedule over and over again, trying to gain some sort of answer to why the hell am I getting my self involved in all of this shit. I swear I'm going to have an ulcers by the time that I'm twenty-one. Sleep means nothing to me, my dreams are as clear as they ever were when I do sleep. Insomnia runs my life nowadays. It's like my brain has this leaky faucet I can't turn off and I keep thinking these deep random ass thoughts. I have whole conversations and debates, and by the time I reach some sort of conclusion, the sun has risen and it's time for me to get up and face the next fucking day talking to myself about the things I need to do that day. And it goes on and on...Every got damn day...
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