Being a Woman

::rant::

I've been thinking about what's it like to be a woman. I say it's hard man! You've got certain expectations on how you should look, act, and speak. Many times I break it and I'm met with lots of protests. But you're like, Lori come on, it's the 21st century! Women have more rights then before, there's not that many expectations! Ha! I laugh at you. You raving liberals. It's not true, because still if I want to cut off my own got damn hair there's a problem or some slight negative comment about it. Or if I decided to wear a suit and a tie, I'd get many whispers behind my back. What the hell is she doing? Who cares if I cut it off? Honestly... Why should I have to go through the pain every single morning to comb it out, blow dry it, etc. It be nice and simple just to let it go.

Women will always be second class citizens. No matter how many protests or demonstrations, the majority still believes women are inferior beings who need protection, and it's everyone's fault, and many women don't do anything about it. There's a way women are suppose to look, cute with their little skirts and tight fitting shirts, or something like that... Can't blame it on the men. Too many feminists do that instead of looking at society as a whole. Women allow it, they set these norms to please because they believe that's what the men want. Who thought of the gurttle...women...who thought of foot binding...women... How can this be changed? :: shrug::

Stress Manager

So I've been thinking about what's the most constructive way for me to manage my stress. With college applications, work at the magazine, and my homework assignments weighing me down, I feel like giving it all up at this point. I've sent in my resignation at the newspaper which took off alot of stress. Oh how I hated it so!...the incompetent staff, the unsupportive editors, being underpaid...no no...I'm glad it's over. Now I have this weird way of knowing when I've pushed myself to the limit...my right foot starts to hurt, and there's this throbbing pain right in the middle that refuses to go away, and it makes it pretty hard to walk on after a while. So all week I've been limping around, hoping that I'm slowing down enough for it to go away, but the pain just keeps getting worse.

This morning my mother and I got into a fight, physical and verbal. The effect of me waking up so suddenly and having her pull me out of bed by the ends of my hair made my head hurt. I packed my shit and got the hell out of their, closing the door pretty hard in my wake. I kept thinking, only a few more months and I'm out of this joint. I told her that I was cutting off all of my hair, which I am. She kept saying how I'd look like a boy, or she'd ask me when I said I wanted to, what, you want to be some kind of dyke or something. >.<. So the reason we got into this little brawl was the fact that she blamed me for her getting a bad grade on her homework assignment, which is stupid. I'm not responsible for her, and I told her repeatedly that I couldn't do everything and always be there to help her or do her papers for her. She signed up for it, why should I be responsible. Every day I think, man I'm going to get up and change myself, be a better person, let go of the stress, but then I get all of these things thrown at me, and it seems so hard. Every got damn day. If I'm sitting around doing nothing, it makes me nervous.
I've taken to reading many more books lately starting with A Thousand Splendid Suns and a book I have to read for Lit, called The Elephant Vanishes. In one of the stories it talked about this book called Anna Karenina and I'm dying to get it. I need a good Russian romance novel in my life I think. Usually that's what I do when things get tough. I hide myself away in good books.
Maybe next week I'll improve...start back doing yoga and such...=/

What I Want and What I Need

...are two separate things of course. As human beings, we don't always know what's good for us. I'm finding out that the older I get, the more I'm about relationships and how I like to relate to other people. I'm affectionate as hell, with friends, lovers, etc. I need it I want it, I crave it. ^-^ Sometimes I don't even realize I do it and I suppose that people would say I'm some type of charmer or constant flirt, but I don't realize I do it sometimes.Must be in the astrology, and with saturn currently transitting through my 8th house, I'm finding all about my true desires and expressing and defining them.
When I saw myself, I thought, self-sufficient, independent(Double Aquarian) (Scorpio Moon)...but friendships dominate my life and I care about them a great deal, because usually if things are going well in their lives, it makes me feel whole, without it, I'm lost and don't know what to do with myself. I thought being alone is what I wanted and needed, but what I need is stable relationships and lots of love. Lots of love. I'm glad I'm getting that in waves lately. I'm very happy.

Commitment Phobe

This new relationship has just been wow, even though it's not quite so new, the history is there. I remembered how we idealized those moments where we were laughing as the weather turned warm signaling the approaching summer. I don't remember anything about what I learned in any of my classes, algebra...history..science..all lost to me or the important world events that had taken place during that time. It was just him and me that consumed my memories. Things were great, there was no fighting or arguing, just passion and this magnetic connection that kept us hooked that spring.

It was anyones guess why I left him in July and never looked back. Simply because I didn't want to be contained. I wasn't mature enough. I wanted my freedom, freedom got damn't... and to explore. I was already feeling the need to escape. He had no idea. It was over for me, even before he had a chance to be warned...

Then I met her that summer, my knight of cusp in shining armor, and I rode on the back of her wave of romantic idealistic bliss and found something grand that swept me off my feet for a while. She made me weak in the knees and gave me this falling sensation. I didn't care who saw us. I wanted to be with her. I never got a chance to run. I didn't have a chance to run , because before I knew it, we had to part ways. I was shipped back off to Chicago, and she, to Ohio where we never saw each other again, and I'd think about and imagine the moments we could've had together laying next to each other and filling that empty space in between with another human being. That's when I knew I had to leave him. We talked and had something long distance, but that faded away, and then the memory of her and that short time we had together stayed vividly in my mind and so it was the same for him. It was all I needed. During those months together between him and I, I remember everything disappearing and the months were hours and the days like minutes.

We're starting over. It's a new chapter and finally we're leaving the past behind. We laugh and play together, can talk about anything , and the physical aspect of things is A.M.A.Z.I.N.G. XD. I can't believe how we're so compatible. He makes me very very happy, even for a commitment phobe like myself, I'm in no hurry to leave. Abandoning all of my defenses, I said to him softly...
I believe I'm falling for you.

_There's an extended pause_ He seemed to be in deep thought.

Promise me you won't leave me for someone else.

I wouldn't. I won't leave you...

Can I be trusted?

Falling

I went to the Northwestern campus yesterday and fell madly in love with it. I never thought I could like a university but their was something about that ivy leaves growing elegantly along the building walls, and the womping willows lightly touching the lake that was surrounded by the university's buildings. There were college students riding their bikes to campus along the path ways. Lake Michigan is right next to the campus, and I could see the sunrise every morning from that view.
Then there were alumns that talked about programs they had to offer and some of the many three hundred clubs established at the university. Of course I was interested in Medill school of Journalism and the international studies degree. They had lots of travel abroad opportunities as well, from Paris to South Africa, and I was sold. Lots of smart kids were there. All of them seemed to have 4.0 gpas or higher with excellent test scores. I couldn't help thinking, damn, that's my competiton? Which made me feel a bit inadequete. Also the price of the place is crazy. $50,000 dollars a year with all expenses. But I love it. I really do.

Unconscious Desires

Fantasy

Breathing in his scent as we laid curled together under the warm covers made me the happiest I've been in a while. For once, I felt like staying still and not running away. My double edge sword tipped to its dull side showing silver underbelly to the world, glinting brilliantly.
The winds howled outside while the temperature read thirty degrees and declining on the local news channel, after reports on double homicides that took place on the far south side of Chicago. Leaves fell while some lost all fall colors. Their barren branches whipped and howled in the night. Winter weather. I let my desires take over, intimacy, warm hands...Warm. He became my shelter from the elements, and I've never felt more safe, and in that moment, I wanted to stay that way for as long as I could, before life began again and I'd have to say goodbye.

Reality

College

It's confusing, this college business >.<. The over achiever in me wouldn't mind going to Northwestern because it is one of the best schools, or best undergrad program in the nation for what I want to major in. The other side of me wants the freedom that comes with going to Columbia college. I've always loved the artsy vibe and interesting characters. I never did find the whole "college experience" thing intriguing. I loathed it. The sports, the fraternities...eh. If I were to get in to Northwestern, I'd know I'd go. It hurts for me to say this, that I would choose what my mind is telling me over my heart. I'm saying it's fate. Deep down, I know I should probably go the University route. It'll help me achieve something great. I'd have more resources, etc. Going to the other college really wouldn't be a bad thing, just that much harder to get and find opportunities? Stupid decisions. Maybe I'll flip a coin.

Life Path/ Numerology

Life Path Number #11/2
(Considered a Master Number in Numerology: The Spiritual Seeker)
Your purpose in this life time is to achieve enlightenment. Sometimes this is done by finding a teacher and other times it is a matter of experiencing an number of negative situations that are designed to rid you of toxic emotional connections and clear your karma. If you are a number eleven and seem to be having a rough time then keep in mind that is typical of your number to experience a life filled with mysterious losses and either very fortunate or unfortunate twists of fate.

Part of your trying experiences is the cosmos' way of pushing you into finding the spiritual awareness that you need to elevate your soul. The number 11 path is often called the Path of Extremist simply because you lead a life filled with so many highs and lows. You are often like two people. One life is your public life in which you might appear as an eccentric or unusual character and the other is your secret life, which is obsessed with finding the answers to eternal questions.

You are probably a fairly well educated person who is still looking for answers when it comes to spirituality. One of the character traits of a number 11 is to look far and wide for lofty spiritual answers when often the answer is right underneath your nose. As number 11's can be quite snobbish or proud of their status as a spiritual seeker the universe often presents them with many lessons that serve to challenge their pride. You probably don't fit into society very well and have to do a lot of pretending and acting to survive in a normal job or relationship. You have unusual tastes and may have a bohemian character that is very interested in the new and avant-garde.

Your broad-minded point of view and permissiveness with morals makes you lots of enemies and friends alike. If there is one thing that your friends find frustrating about you it is that you are a bit of a fence sitter. Your ability to see so many angles of a situation often causes you to be indecisive or not to act at all. For this reason many 11's often let opportunities in life pass them by. They are so focused on being visionaries that they forget to pay attention to small practical details. Your sharp intuition and rich understanding of both spirituality and human nature makes you the perfect spiritual counselor. Even if this is not your profession you have probably noticed that others naturally seek out your guidance and advice during a crisis.

You are a very idealistic individual and envision a world in which everyone is equal. For this reason you somewhat dislike the idea of relationships as they mean that one human should be more exclusive to you than another. One of your highest spiritual qualities is to make everyone that you meet feel like they are special and a soul mate. If you are an 11, it is also typical for the needs of your personality to be in constant conflict with the direction of your higher self. You have probably noticed that you get away with a lot less than other numbers. For instance if you do a bad deed, the resulting bad karma seems more immediate. This is because your path is a path of retribution that is about the negation of the self to allow the higher self to be divinely inspired by a higher power.

Sounds about right, smatter of fact, everything it said is true...scary O.o...Oh look at this, it's suppose to determine whether you use your left or right brain more. No matter how I look at it...it's always turning clock-wise, so I use my right brain more I guess.. Left or Right?

Lessons of the Week (Two)

Nine of / Two of / Six of / The / Knight of /Eight of / Seven of
Pentacles / Swords / Pentacles/ Sun / Pentacles /Wands / Swords

This week, the cards were encouraging me to continue to pursue my goals and warning me that it'll take time to accomplish them and the first step's the hardest. So here I am, I have alot of goals, and I just need to start on them today.

Writer's Conference

I went to a writer's conference today at Columbia College that inspired me immensely. The teachers were awesome. They were the same ones who taught at my writing class on the north side, and I just felt very happy and comfortable throughout the whole day. The writer and the guest speaker, Audrey Neffengger of The Time Traveler's Wife, was got damn amazing, and she had this sort of airy creative vibe about her. Just awesome.

So I have a free write from one of the workshops at the conference. It's micro-fiction (less then 400 word story). It's suppose to only give you a glimpse and it's up to the reader to interpret the abstracts. The theme was to pick an event/story about a time when you were a hero or did something heroic, so it kind of evolved in to this thing about my past and the current situation with the ex, or now erm..whatever. (See last two weeks posts)Enjoy.

Her heart beats words that are hard to vocalize.
"Hello"
"Hi"
...As shoulders brush briefly. Side ward glances as cars drive by on the 4 way express lane. People pass not noticing. The sun burns red and their is only a brief moment where crimson glows and the longing of late night embraces stay in her mind. The cars during rush hour speed down Pulaski,not noticing brushed shoulders and flushed cheeks. There is another. Unspoken words linger in the air untouched. The sun sets and the man is alone watching falling stars.

Was I a hero? Hah...maybe I thought so at the time or at least, I thought I was doing the right thing. But that went to waste after what was in her(my mind) manifested one night, and the other found out, I guess I turned out as the bad guy. Questions? Comments? What do you think's happening in the story?