Turn of events, I'm involved in a classic love triangle. The person I'm with now is everything I feel like I need. We were downtown at Christmas time, seeing the lights shining merrily, and the Christmas shoppers bustling around peering into the many window displays on State street. It was cold out side, but I felt warm. We held hands the whole way, and I was the proud lioness with a trophy on my shoulder. We strolled among the crowd and they appeared to be moving out of our way as we walked down those busy streets. I felt secure.
The other person, she is my equal in everything, intellect, life experiences...It's like meeting yourself, but mature and more defined. Three years ago we had the most unforgettable summer as we hung out, side by side during a leadership conference in Atlanta. I remember the first time I met her. Saw her across the room. She stood out. The intensity of her nature drew me like butterfly to nector. She was mysterious and it intrigued me. Our eyes met, and we stared at each other for what seemed like minutes.We kissed on a starry night, and passion ran deep.
I ran away that night, fearing the intensity at a young age, slipping right past her and through her fingers. I remember her calling my name. If I had not ran, we would've stayed out past curfew and scrambled through left over puddles from the rain the day before. I remembered how we danced in the rain that day. It poured and poured, but we didn't care. We felt infinite.
On the ride to the train station, I slipped my hand into hers and laid my head on her shoulder, and we stared out the window, loathing the time we would have to say goodbye. At the airline, her plane was leaving early. We thought we would have an hour to be together for one last time and say goodbye to each other properly, but she left before I could tell her...I'll miss you. We gave each other one longing look before she was swept off down the air port among the many people with their luggages, and screaming children. I felt like I had died a little. Sure we talked a bit, but lost touch. She came back into my life just around the same time as my boyfriend had. She was the reason I had left him before, all those years. We're back together again, making it work. During one of our talks on the phone she told me to...leave him, be with me.
I can't. I promised him I wouldn't leave him again.
It's too bad, that you have two people who don't want to share you.
You've made your decision.
She sounded so sad, but I can't let her go or the possibility of what could've been if distance weren't an obstacle, if I weren't involved. I told her I hadn't. I hadn't made a decision. I love him. I love you. He told me he loved me yesterday. I was silent. Instead I asked him...do you mean it? But then I changed the subject, and he allowed me too. I feel so unfaithful. because I have feelings for two people and they both love me. I'm afraid I'll break someone's heart.
3 comments:
To break it down in a practical manner would be the venus in capricorn way, to tell you to follow your heart would split you in two. The practical me asks which one is closer in proximity.
You are afraid to break someone's heart, but to leave one or to go secretly into an affair would hurt far worse. If you love him, and her--explain to him that you need to explore those feelings, that you are not at a point in your life to be exclusive with one person. Do not bring it into your relationship with him, because it will become a wedge. Are you ready to settle down at this point in your life?
Take it as a lesson that at this point in life you are fulfilling your desires and need for companionship.
On one hand you have already promised to be faithful and have developed a strong sense of trust and love for this guy.
My advice, and it would be difficult, is to be honest. Do you think the pattern would repeat itself if you left to her? Look closely that there is no dilusion. Breaking the pattern may require a settlement into something that is more secure. Which one is more secure? That would satisfy your venus in capricorn. Your aquarius seeks thrill.
I've been there. It is awful. It's too painful to write about. But yes, you can love two people--it may be a different love, but you can feel that you can't live without either one. In my case, the choice was made for me, but the other person was very hurt.
It is difficult for me to analyze whether or not I have this disorder, but unlike you my life is broken into a thousand fragments and the inability to stick to projects. When I wake up in the morning if I do not write out the days schedule I am found wasting the entire day trying to figure out what I'm trying to do, jumping from thing to thing. My fingernails are constantly bit to the bone. I can focus my attention, but not all the things I should be prioritizing are taken.
I obsess.
The fucking sock lying on the floor, the fucking sock! God dammit why did he leave that fucking sock on the floor again? Keys, keys, here they are. Dirty in here, going to clean up.
:: turns on TV :: I gotta clean in here :: goes to clean :: Hungry, food. :: sits back down on couch ::
I come, throw my jacket on the couch, pace back and forth, back and forth-- okay okay, this is what I have to do.
CJ: "Chill out dude"
Me: I can't, turn on some music.
:: goes to get lunch ::
Keys are over there
"Where did I put my lunch?"
There is a motor attached to me, I cannot slow down, a thousand things going on at once. Working out helps, Okay okay :: push ups ::
Where are my keys and lunch? :: picks up Emerson book::
CJ: "Dude, the craziest thing happened to me. I went to wal-mart while you were gone and--
Me: "Do you think I've gotten too skinny" :: tosses book to side ::
CJ: "Just don't lose anymore, but anyway--"
Me: "Did you eat all my bananas?"
:: throws hands in air ::
CJ closing his conversation: "Isn't that fucked up?
Me: "What is fucked up?"
I have never studied for more than 20 minutes, not constructively anyway. I am reminded of others with ADHD that act out or they are obnoxiously loud and trouble makers. The difference is that I was never. In class I turn all the world off and live inside.
Several dialogues are going on inside in incomplete sentences. I capture one, middle of class and write it down. Thank God for writing, because I would die without tracking my thoughts. Twenty minutes of study on Aderrol amounts to several day of intense memorization, twenty minutes walking across campus and intead of ignoring aquantances I approach and have a conversation.
I am fine only in my litte world, what amounts to a few focused things, unable to incorporate all of them into my life. I always ask, "How does this relate to me".
I don't really know if I have this disorder, but I can tell you that I certainly have some type of disorder, and that the medication given has quieted my mind for this first time since I was a little child playing in a clover patch. The incredible part is that I still have the same level of energy, not that I am turned off, but all time is spent on the thing I should be doing but slips through my mind by other obsessive distractions.
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