A Proposal

This guy(born female) basically asked me to marry him, not going to get into the political nohows of it all. I told him that I would never get married, and he said I would if he asked me. I offered him a proposal. If we are still in touch when I'm thirty and I have traveled and worked off my youthful energy, I would marry him. It's a distant proposal, and what's the likely hood that it can happen? The whole idea is so romantic, and now I have something that will make me feel happy when I'm down. This proposal means more to me then he might think. It's funny because everytime we meet, I'm involved. I told him that I will promise not to be involved around that time, and we must find each other across time and space, and be together. Gosh...it sounds so romantic. Don't you think?

He said he done it before. We hadn't seen each other for a couple of years, and out of nowhere, he found me again, and I had felt so confused because I was in love with the man I am with now, and this man loves me. I'm being unfaithful, and I know it. I've been contemplating on whether or not I was going to go to Ohio to see my future fiance?, and it might spark something within me, but I have to go. I have to see where this leads, my destiny?

It's Over

Robert my old best friend...another victim to the pluto 11th house transit.

Now I really feel alone.

Birthday

Today's my 18th B-day. Never thought this day would come. Finally I'm an adult...well on paper anyway. Still can't go to 21 and over clubs or drink legally(don't drink so this doesn't influence me) but I can sign things on my own now. ^-^''

Happy B-day to me.

V-day

For the first time in my life, I have a valentine from someone other than my mother. It makes me happy to realize this. ^-^. I'm going to a sort of party at work for Valentines Day, and I'm bringing him. It's another big step for me.

Also the reason why this day is important to me is that it is a signal that my birthday is coming in three days. Febuary 17 and I'll be legal.

Pluto Transits the 11th house

Who will survive. I'm losing all my friends. Will I lose the one I care about most of all?

Robert: Lori I just feel really hurt honestly I feel like my best friend doesn't accept me for me and it makes me feel alone. like I have no one

Me: i feel alone too. and i don't know how to connect to you or anyone anymore..the only connection i allow with justin is sex, my ultimate release..i'm being selfish..basically i hate myself..and i don't know if it's a phase or what

Me: i just feel like dying and being reborn sometimes..forget everything and leave

Robert: I can kinda understand

Robert: but yeah...

Robert: I luv u but damn

Robert: I don't wanna feel like that around u all the time

Robert: I mean do I make u feel like that?

Me: I don't like anyone really anymore..i don't accept myself or my accomplishments..so how do i expect to accept or honor anyone elses..i just feel really shitty

Lori Moody: i'm cold blooded..my mom was right..i'm heartless


We got into it. I told him how I hated him, and was mad at him for so many years of caring about him and feeling like he neglected me. I was angry at him for so long, and he felt it before I realized it. It's karma. I'm suppose to suffer this with him. How can I love him, really love him, when he's so distant from me. Sexuality, expectations tears us apart, but puts us together. It's torture. I don't think I want to live through this.

Depression

I should be happy with the way everything is going. I have a great relationship with my friends and significant other, and somewhat at the moment, financial security. I even managed to get straight A's on my report card. I'm not ugly, I don't think. Even after all this and what I've accomplished, I can't stay happy, and I find myself falling back into a black hole. I can't seem to defeat it. I think the reason is the fact that I'm so involved. I'm always rushing one place or another instead of stopping and enjoying the scenery. I worry so much about getting to the place then the trip on the way there. I want to drop everything right now and just worry about homework and graduating, but I know it's not in my nature. Anyone who knows me, knows how hard it is for me to give up on anything. Just when I think I'm finished for good, I find some hidden energy, and I do this all over again. Day after day. But for what if I can't enjoy my accomplishments.

I Want To Break Shit Down and Let it Die...

...and birth something new. Ahh..why do I feel so restless?

No Worries.