Whales and Oceans

I had a dream last night where I was walking down an empty city street, and this guy I know from my job asked me if I wanted a ride. He took me somewhere where we were about to sit down and eat, and these two kids moved their lunch away from me. One girl did right away, and another boy was like "don't eat my lunch!"... I started to curse and swear at the little kid. I told him that I wasn't touching his f*** lunch. And the man had to calm me down. He stared at me glaring a bit, and I glared back, and he asked me what's wrong. I said I was angry. After some theater show, we went to this ocean somewhere and saw a winter's sunset. He was telling me how the whole ocean froze over because it was so cold, but I had never seen anything so beautiful. It was a purplish blue as it set, and we walked on the ocean floor. Don't remember everything he told me, but then he spotted a whale under the frozen ocean, and we ran for the shore in a panic, and him urging me to go on and watch out for weak spots in the ice. We made it on the shore just in time to see the whale rise from the frozen ocean and crash back again, and we stared in awe at the magnificent huge creature before us, and set down and watched the sun finally go down.

I woke up smiling from this dream. It offered me some hope for some reason, and I thought that maybe this person has more significance in my life then I'd ever realized. It was like this man had something to teach me, about going with the flow, about anger, and how you have to appreciate life even when it throws you curve balls because it's worth living.

Coming to an End

I just got back from an Anime convention in Illinois today. It was pretty cool. Got to let out my inner nerd for a weekend with my boyfriend and friends. The end of the con signified a new period in my life sort of. It meant that I would have to go back to the real world of finals, bills, and moving out of residence life. I have to go back home with my mother for a summer and work my ass off to get my own place before the next school year. This summer means being less social then I've become. It's time to be self reflecting and introverted until close to the end of the summer where I can let loose. It's time to lose that winter and new relationship weight(You really do gain weight in relationships >.<). It's time to give up a little bit of my freedom to get further in life.

The relationship with Leo has been great, doing really well then the earlier b.s. at the start. One thing that's bothering me is that all his friends don't know about us. It's not like he is technically hiding it, but he's not explicitly saying anything. We're always together and hanging out, and I think people assume it. The big thing is the age. Even though I don't see it as a big enough gap to be a problem, I think he still thinks it would be in his group of friends since they are older than me. Not all of them by that much. Sometimes it makes me feel like he's ashamed of me, but he has me around all the time. He's spending more time with me, and his once cold demeanor is melting away. He is more affectionate with me and laid back when I'm around. He's changing with me and for me, which he said he would. I didn't ask nor expected him to change. I expected the worse, and he told me, "Lori, I'm going to change for you, cause the way I am now is not working for our relationship." And he did it. It shows me how much he loves me. Even though he gets jealous in our poly relationship and of my interest in other people, particularly guys, he's always working on it. This has been the most adult relationship of my life, and probably one of the most significant romantic relationships of my life, which I have had many in my young years. But I learned much about how I handle myself in my relationships and what doesn't work so well. These things I've been changing. The bullshit with our relationship is coming to an end. We're realizing everything doesn't have to be exciting all the time. We can just relax with each other. There is no need to worry about losing one another, because we have each other. We love each other, and we're willing to work on any rough patches ahead of us.

So here I am tired from the convention and just generally happy to have a strong relationship to support me through my life changes with trying to be independent, getting my new apartment, and working on my career. I feel lucky. Even though I have to take a few steps backwards to realize my dreams, I know that I'm moving forward with every stride. Just have to take a pit stop for gas, and I'm on my way to independence.