Long Time

...since I've posted. I'm ready to graduate. These are my only thoughts lately so I haven't found anything interesting to write about. School's dominating my life. Finished finals, one more semester to go, and obligations to the extracurriculars. Prom and graduation arrangements. Same ol' same ol'. 

On the weekends I've been taking a Radio 101 class by the producers of 91.5 WBEZ public radio. They have a new public radio site in Chicago called Vocalo. And basically anyone can submit radio pieces or even use your cellphone to submit a message to the station. We had to sign up for accounts at vocalo.org. It's been fun, and the best class I've taken at my saturday writing class. I've found out that I have a radio voice, and everyone were commenting me on it. So I suppose I'm a bit interested in radio now, almost all forms of journalism, except news anchoring. I might actually want to do this for some time in my life. 

I've been a bit rebellious lately, and mom's been trying to kick me out the house. I'm in a constant struggle with myself about just getting out and finding my own way to support myself and college, and knowing that that's ridiculous and that I need her help more than ever. I hate that I need her, and she holds it over my head like my life line with the pair of scissors in her hand. I fucking hate her. It's wrong of me to say that? Yeah. I don't care anymore. Romantically, I'm bored again, and that's not good. Roaming eyes do no wonders. He talked about marriage which scared the shit out of me. Not cool, and I was like ready to bolt. Don't tie me down, I need lots of room to breathe. Which is paradoxical...cause we don't see each other enough as it is. One or every two weeks....and I'm torn between my desire to see him all the time or to just forget it and the strain the distance puts on us. 

Typical adolescence.

College

I've been going through the typical Senior first semester crisis and have been neglecting to post on my blog. This semester is driving me nuts, but it looks like I'm coming out allright, and as usual, I'm worrying too much about things and need to take a breather. Mom allowed me to take the day off, and she said it was about time. Now you know there's something going on when your mother says that. But it was also because I had to get a new permit since I lost the last one. I should be getting my license in April along with hopefully an acceptance to Northwestern and enough financial Aid to cover my expenses, and hopefully it's mostly grants and scholarships and less loans...This year it's all about completion and finally starting over. I can't wait to graduate. Honestly. This semester went relatively fast I suppose, but it's been stressful.

Everyone's trying to pressure me into going to prom. I never considered myself a prom person, always this sort of social outcast, and it was the one tradition I was willing to break, but I believe they convinced me. My boyfriend wants to go. He didn't say so, but I know. He was telling me how he wished he had went to his prom and got a class ring and all that. So maybe we'll go together and it'll be his first prom. I guess that means I have to start planning it. I decided I want to wear black. My mother said I was crazy and I needed more colors. But I've always felt really comfortable in that color. Representation of my morbid personality I guess. I'm also getting a class ring. I've been wanting one of those forever. It's going to be white gold. $400 dollars. Nuts. All the graduation stuff is finally catching up to me. All I've been worrying about is college and financial Aid stuff and maintaining my grades. I have a good shot at graduating with straight A's. So overall this first semester is going to be quite successful for me. I'm so tired though. I need a break. I keep thinking about all the stuff I still have to do and I keep thinking about it instead of doing it, and it's starting to drive me crazy. I'm involved in all these activities and trying to balance school. Lots of times I can sit in a place for two hours going over every task, every single thing that needed to get done and looking at my planner. Imagine a calendar with at least three things written in practically every day of the week @_@''...I try to find time for my boyfriend and he does for me too, cause he's working all these hours trying to go to college in the fall as well. We're always compromising and going a week or two without seeing each other, and it's like I have to schedule him in. It gets annoying. I just want to blow stuff off and be with him alot of times, but then my deeply inbedded responsibility gene kicks in and I tell myself no. Things will slow down by March-April...most likely April..hopefully..but then I have to study hard for AP and IB exams so I can hopefully past em with flying colors and that the college of my choice accepts the college credit in July. Blah..I have to get off and start on this homework and scholarships and stuff.

Tamed Horse

I've never wanted a romantic relationship to work as much as this one. Every day we're apart, I count the days, and almost every minute of every day, I'm thinking about him. At first, I was doing exactly what I had always done, when things got too deep, I run away. But I feel safe, and I've committed my self like I never had before. I love him so much.

I've been having a horrible week since I've been back in school. Some things got stolen from me at school, and my grades are going down. I don't know if I can get them up to the way I want them to be. I'm worried about not getting in to college, and being denied for financial aid. The pressure is building up on me, and I'm not sure if I can handle it anymore.

So I had a weak point yesterday. I broke down and retreated in the dark, under the covers, and I let the t.v. blare. White and fizzy. The volume was on 5, but it was so loud. Everything was loud. I'm seeing him today and he promises to hold me close and to always try his best to make me happy. I deserve to be happy. I can't allow my depression to ruin everything I've worked for.