Freedom at Last

This is my first year of college. What are my feelings...

excited. anxious. dreadful.

I think I'd like to take another week off, but it's now or never. My roommate's wonderful, and we get along very well. I met a girl down the hall I'm crazy about, but she's iffy and a closet case. Not a good thing in someone you like.

My room has paper lanterns and Christmas lights hanging on the ceiling, and I feel at home. Parties every night, but by Friday I felt burnt out and stuck to my room watching movies. I invited a few people over and we enjoyed The Kite Runner. I didn't have any problems adjusting until the middle of the week where I start feeling inadequate. Finally I was around people just as creative, artistic, and crazy as I was. How can you stand out among a crowd of people that all stand out?

(Sigh) Be louder I guess. :: shrug::

I'm still stuck with some baggage while going into College. I got a tattoo in Japanese that says Freedom. It was symbolic for me, a new stage in my life. But My ex boyfriend is still hanging around and instead of letting him down, I'm stringing him along. I feel terrible. I tried to stay away from him for awhile. It had been a month since I seen him, and he was determined to see me. Every kiss said "I love you", and he looked at me so tenderly and told me how much he loved me and missed me. He made sure to kiss every inch of skin that he could and held me tightly in his arms. And the whole time I felt like shit. Fucking Shit.

I think I've fallen out of love with him. almost four years of knowing him...a year of loving him, a year of passion and and idleness. What can I say, I felt like I was drowning in mud. Warm, wet, mushy, mud. I had to get out just like I always do. The sick part about all this is that he knows me... He finally has me figured out, about my whole quest for freedom. He doesn't care who I sleep with or like as long as I stay in his shitty boring life and make him feel like we are still in love with each other. The truth is, this butterfly has fallen in love with someone else. He's mature, 5 years my senior, and driven.

I've met my fucking match. He's elusive and smart, witty as heck, and I freaking want him for my self. All of him, and he's like one of the few (out of one other guy) that I felt that I didn't want to share with anyone. He seemed like he cared about me just as much when we were in that motel room in the middle of August. He held me just as close and we laid in each others' arms, kissing every time we woke up or turned that night, and he woke up next to me, and saw me in the morning and smiled. I felt so good. He's so different in the bedroom then when he's outside with me. Suffers from a broken heart. He doesn't try and allow me to get too close to him. The thing is, we're the same type of people. If I did have him and he had me, would we really want each other as much? Maybe being just at arm's reach is what we're really after and never allowing anyone to have us for long is the key to my happiness.

Maybe I'll never be happy with anyone.

I mean I'm in college right? No need to limit myself. But I'm aching for a relationship right now. I want to commit myself to someone and be loved indefinitely, but I'm afraid of getting in a relationship and screwing shit up like I always manage to do.

Back to school.

My roommates sleeping right now, it's three o clock in the morning and school starts in a few days. Economics seems promising -_-'' Intro to Journalism a bit more so...not excited about that college mathematics class...and all three on the same day _-_ what was I thinking?...