So much has happened since my last post, and I can't even begin to transcribe these last two and a half months of confusion, emotional roller coasters and heart break. But I have to start somewhere.
About less than a week after my last post, I became officially involved with a man six years my senior. I've posted about him for some time, but we soon began finally acknowledging our feelings for each other before I knew about his other lover. We met and had all these pent up feelings of regret and embarrassment because of this man. We loved him for years, and we both didn't know about the other. He had decided that having no relationship at all was the best relationship to have because then he wouldn't feel trapped or obligated. He carried on these "non-relationships" with the both of us. The woman and I got to know each other, and then we even formed a friendship around our interests. The main thing we shared was our love for this man, and how we could never pin him down. When she formally found out about us, she was furious. She felt betrayed and hurt, and I didn't know what to do. I wanted to be with him, but I didn't want to hurt her. I knew they had a relationship, but I didn't know if they still had one. I assumed they did after a while since he refused to let her go.
We had then fallen into a relationship with each other. Her and I being who we are, and him being the way he is, we all declared that we were interested and capable of loving more than one person at a time. We were in a sense, always polyamorous. The woman had a deep interest in BDSM. Her relationship with a man named King had been apart of her life for years. She was interested in a relationship with the both of us, and in hindsight, I would say, it was doomed from the beginning. Just because you're poly doesn't mean you should get into a relationship just with anybody.
Me and (lets name the guy) Leo since it's his astro sign, had been building our relationship with each other. After my ex and I broke up, Leo was there for me since he wanted me to be with him all that time anyway. We were, in a sense, a little crazy for each other. Leo and the other woman had known each other for six years prior and were seeing each other romantically for about two and a half years compared to me and Leo's almost two years of knowing each other, and six months of seeing each other romantically at that time, back in January.
In a sense we were going through some New Relationship Energy. We were supposed to be a closed triad to work on building a relationship with one another, but I still feel like we jumped into it so quickly. We got a room and had a threesome, the night we decided to all be together. I kept thinking, "Am I really this weird?" I've always had relationships with more than one person, that conflicted with each other. Just reading my past posts you can see the relationship struggles I have had in the past. But this was new. This was me finally admitting to myself that I am poly. So this relationship I entered in with the two of them turned out to be the awakening I need. I had to think about relationships in all new ways.
But me and the woman's relationship was lacking. We jumped into it on a sheer whim. We wanted to see where this new way of loving would work out in practice, and we both loved him. She fell for me, but I didn't have the same feelings for her at all. If anything, I only had friendly and then at most points, tolerable feelings for her. Her biting sarcasm and ability to make herself appear to be a martyr in confrontations annoyed me to no end. We also didn't have the time to develop a relationship with each other since it was about the three of us, and not much one on one connections, but I believe the main reason the woman and I didn't last was because I felt we were incompatible.
The break up was not necessarily pretty. When I broke up with her, she wanted to sever ties with the both of us. Leo was upset by this and just fed up with her from over the years. She kept accusing us of choosing one another over her, and she felt abandoned. Leo told her if it was over, then it was truly over and you are a ghost to me. He cried on my shoulder that night. Everything happened so fast, and I just held him as he quivered and stained my shirt with his tears. He bounced back though and just wanted to be happy and knew he couldn't be happy with her if she would never get over the things he'd done in the past or our relationship with each other.
We are together now, and I have a lover on the side whom I've known and been involved with to some capacity for almost five years now. Leo is still getting over jealousy issues with that, but he met my lover and accepts him. Things have never been better between us though. We've learned what we truly want and how we really feel about each other. We will go with the flow. I love him dearly, and I feel that we will be together for a long time since we are honest with each other, and that we're both polyamorous people. We don't have to hide or feelings for others, and we are free to act on them and still love each other. It's a great feeling.
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