"...my happiness with human beings is so precarious,

my confiding moods rare, & the least sign of disinterest is enough to silence me..."-- Anais Nin

Lonely Again

I've never felt so lonely. Again you realize that all you have is yourself. You have to love yourself more and take care of you before anybody else. I know what I have to do. I gotta keep pushing forward, and don't turn back.

The apartment search has just really started off. I can't wait to finally be in my own space and doing my own thing. Maybe this time I'll focus on the things I use to love doing i.e. writing and reading. I'll have minimal distractions.

I can focus more on my school work. I can travel abroad and then go to grad school without anybody holding me back or weighing me down. Free, a bit lonely, but floating on forever...

Dear Leo,

I'm ready to give up, call it quits, throw in the fucking towel. It shouldn't be this hard. All I want is to laugh with you, to sit with you, to enjoy your company...but you also make that an impossible feat sometimes. It feels like you've been avoiding me. When I finally told you how I felt, you said you were tired and can we do this later?...three days later...and we still haven't talked about shit. Do you want me in your life? Because I'm about an inch away from walking. You're burning the bridge you could have remained using to walk over the dangerous currents.

I feel like I'm being put last in your life. Primary my ass... You've had the title as long as you've wanted it. I am not something you pick up when you get bored and want to play with. We're in a relationship, on the eve of our official six month anniversary and two year anniversary of knowing each other, and I've never been so put off. You've put me through so much, and I can't just put all the blame on you either, because I know I put you through some stuff with J whom I still love. I told you to get use to it, and you had to cope. But that's in the past, and I wanted a long future with you.

I wanted you to be my number one and let me be yours. I still feel like I'm something to be ashamed of once in a while. We aren't communicating anymore like we use to. I don't know what's going on with you and your life or your job. Don't think I don't know about you and Marissa, and how you two still have feelings for each other, and you're getting over that,but I feel like a little nerve in the back of your brain...something you try to forget once in a while and come back to. You leave long enough, and I'm gone. You had your chance to be with someone special. Someone who is just as scared of the things you're scared of, believe in the same things that you do....and we've spent enough got damn time, drama, and heartache to get to where we are now, but I refuse to allow myself to feel this way. I can't keep doing the back and forth thing like Marissa. I'm not Marissa...I'll never be her...and if you can't accept or acknowledge me the way that I want to be acknowledge like I deserve, then I'm leaving. You don't have to worry about chasing me or calling me, or whatever, because I'll be gone...You won't have to end up like "those other guys" a ghost of the past...you'll just be gone indefinitely from my life. I don't need the drama or heartache, especially at this time in my life when I'm still trying to make something of myself. You should want me to be happy...and more importantly...you should want to be happy with me. If you don't want that, if you don't want to be with me like you said you would, then you say it as soon as possible so I can get over you and move on with my life. I don't have time to wait around for you. I love you, but I love me more. I need to take care of me. Move over if you can't help me do that.

Sincerely,

Heart Broken in Chicago

Growing Up is Hard

I've taken part in some new adventures in my life this summer. I got a a new job at AMC theatre and going full time at community college this summer to get my science requirements out the way. I'm also taking a Belly Dancing class which is increasing my confidence greatly. I'm even walking differently, because you know dancing is only walking, but doing it in a different way. I've been learning to except my body. Along with that, I've just started dreading my hair. So this time next year I hope to have some nice beautiful dreads, and maybe become a better belly dancer. I've been taking everything in strides and making some pretty important decisions in my life. This year has been about commitment and balancing things. My love life and my work life keep colliding with each other, and there has been some strain with my current relationship with Mr. Leo. He's going through similar things with his career. He's not feeling pleased with himself or the way his career is going, and I'm stuck on the sidelines hoping that I could at least ease some of that suffering. Instead I'm looking on helpless to stop him from entering this black hole. Overall, it's just been really hard. I'm trying to get my career started by finishing school, working as many hours to get my apartment before school starts, and trying to get in shape and learn to be more confident in myself. Now I have a whole other person to deal with. There has been a lot of growing pains, but I'm so committed. My decision to get dreads shows a another commitment I'm willing to take, and finishing school, yet another commitment. I've learned that growing up is about these commitments and how we choose to handle them in a patient and mature way is the key to being a successful adult. Prioritizing your commitments, admitting you were wrong..etc. I want things to work out smoothly. Don't we all.

JET Programme

I've definitely been thinking about the JET Programme a lot lately. I'll be graduating from college early, and I believe it's time to start thinking about this right now. I've decided that Tokyo would be awesome, since I've always been a city person. I'm sure practically every JET participant would want to go there too, or Kyoto or Osaka...so I've been researching cities and suburbs near Tokyo. I came across historic Kamakura, 31 miles South West from Tokyo, where the statue of Amida Buddha resides and many temples. I think I like the place. There's a beautiful beach where many tourists go as well. I think those would be my two choices for places to be stationed in if I were to be picked for the program, but there's also a place called Ichikawa-shi which borders Tokyo. Maybe I'll pick these two areas and see if I can get one, and take a train up to Tokyo on the weekends.

In other future events, I plan to study abroad in Shanghai in January 2010 for a few weeks studying the art and culture of this city. I'm really excited about doing it. I think it would prepare me for an extended time abroad I believe. If I get accepted to the JET Programme, more than likely I'll leave by July-August of 2011. It makes me nervous and excited. Things I'm doing to prepare myself: Taking Japanese starting in the spring up until I graduate and for the Shanghai trip, taking Eastern Humanities, a prereq for the Shanghai trip. Other than that, I need to start working on my passport. I'm also in the process of moving. I should have a new place by the end of August, and it's like everything is happening so fast! Full steam ahead from now on.