One More Time

He came over dressed in black, mysterious nature, exuding and animal magnetism that made the world stand up and take notice. Tight embraces, and soft butterfly kisses on exposed flesh made body squirm raging home wars inside body's pressure cooker, threatening to pop...hands everywhere, fingers entwined...Shirts laid scattered dead like soldiers of lost battles. My battle of resistance lost. Overwhelming heat bakes interlaced bodies and sensual moments ignite fireworks..

Calm.

In his arms, doubts creeped in, fingers gently caressing, intense gaze stare into my lost eyes, made me forget once more why I decided to run away.

I'm trying this again one more time.

I'll Burn...Burn... baby burn.

Merry-Go-Round

What the fuck man...So he called me today. I went to sleep practically all day, but I heard his voicemail. He told me that him and and his ex were really through and decided to just be friends and whatever. Fuck him man. Seriously. Once again when I was seriously getting over him, and he wants to pull this shit. Kiss my ass.

What should I do?

Tears Dry on Their Own

When there's so many bigger things at hand
We could've never had it all
We had to hit a wall
So this is inevitable withdrawal
Even if I stop wanting you and perspective pushes through
I'll be some next man's other woman soon
I shouldn't play myself again
I Should just be my own best friend.
Not fuck myself in the head with stupid men
He walks away the sun goes down
He takes the day but I'm grown
And in your way,
In this blue shade
My tears dry on their own
So we are history
Your shadow covers me
The sky above A blaze
He walks away the sun goes down
He takes the day but I'm grown
And in your wayIn this blue shade
My tears dry on their own
I wish I could say no regrets
And no emotional debts
cause as we kiss goodbye the sun sets
So we are history
A shadow covers me
The sky above a blazeThat only lovers see
He walks away the sun goes down
He takes the day but I'm grown
And in your wayMy blue shade
My tears dry on their own
He walks away the sun goes down
He takes the day but I am grown
And in your wayMy deep shade
My tears dry on their own
He walks away the sun goes down
He takes the day but I'm grownAnd in your way
My deep shade
My tears dry
-Amy Winehouse

I'm done with the current situation. I'm moving on finally.

Meditation to Self Improvement

So I've decided to try meditation again and stick with it. I just went out to purchase a book on it with an audio cd. I'm feeling the need to improve my self and get rid of much of my emotional baggage that's making me feel stuck. Lots of drama lately.

Lessons of the Week (One)

(Monday) Six of Swords

Moving On.

(Tuesday) Seven of Pentacles

Reaping the rewards for hard work. (It's about to pay off)

(Wednesday) Three of Wands

Looking forward to the future. Opportunities await.

(Thursday) IX The Hermit

(Self Reflection)

(Friday) XVIII The Moon

Hidden Desires. Secret Enemies.

(Saturday) King of Pentacles

Material Things.

(Sunday) Page of Cups

Finding your muse.

Truth Sayers

Things were found out today, that shocked me greatly. The ex of mines who broke my heart told his ex girlfriend about the friday night we had our little passionate escapade. He told her the day after, because she had came over to work things out, and she wanted him to be honest. So it explains the way she's been acting around me. I sensed it before my friend told me what she said, and she just wanted to talk to me. She wanted th truth. So we did, and parted on good terms. She was tired of the lies. She wanted to end things after everything came out to light. Which was scary, so I did the only thing I knew best. Laugh, and I laughed pretty hard at the situation. It reminded me of those talk shows or something where the man sleeps with his wife's sister or something. We were mere acquaintances, nothing more, but the similarity between us was startling. I ended up talking to the ex after I talked to her. I told him how I wasn't mad anymore, and I understood why he told me about working out the problems in his life. I felt it was my destiny to live through this, and live through the troubles, I said to him. I needed to figure out what I wanted. But then...he told me...

I didn't regret what happened between us, and never did.

I'm back at square one. Am I stupid? I think so. After years of knowing each other, the flame just refuses to be extinguished.

Past Patterns

People from the past whom I was romantically involved with keep coming back in my life. It's karma. I left so many loose ends and it's almost like they came to tie up those loose ends. Each one, when they reeneter my life, stir up these strong feelings with in me, and I'm thrust right back into the past and what made everthing so wonderful. I have a romantic soul more than I care to admit.

So this person I had a relationship with in the past Imed me yesterday. This is not long after I just ended it with another ex which didn't get anywhere. She made me want to be with her again, in her arms. I still remember the kiss we shared and me running away, not being able to say goodbye to her at the airport. She went back to where she lived that summer and I returned home. We talked, she's involved, but she wanted to see me, start something new. A problem with her current love, which sounds eerily familiar from the other ex who broke my heart. Haven't I learned anything? But I want this, I must admit. I think I need to relive the past so I can move on. I need to move on. Move on.

Discovering Lessons

I've resulted to drawing one tarot card a day and meditating on the lesson it has to teach me. Today was the seven of pentacles, hard work coming to completion and reaping rewards. I got paid from the magazine and my teacher wants to submit my documentary I'm working on into a competition, because he said it was turning out really good and it's excellent work. ::smiles::

So I've been thinking about the heartbreaker, and it's taking all of my willpower to stay away. There's something unfinished that's making me uneasy, and I just want to hear him say, I don't want to see you again, even though it was me that cut him off. It should be final, and we should both be in agreement about the end of things. I'm at a place where I can think rationally. Even after all that happened, I still want us to be friends if only that. I can't handle separating from another person at this point. I need healthy relationships around me to feel whole.

Recently I broke up with my child hood best friend of almost nine years about three weeks ago, and I'm still healing. Another breakup will do me in. Probably not, I'm made of tougher stuff, but I've been a passive ass person lately. I feel the need to be shaped again, and with all these decisions about college and all that, it's to the point where I want someone to tell me where to go and when to do my homework. I'm tired of deciding, I really just want to lay in bed and not think about anything. I've still got months to summer, my freedom days.

Mercury is retrograde in Libra, bringing with it a need to evaluate and discuss past relationships. Today might be a good day to do just that.

Fortunate

Today I feel fortunate, I'm putting somethings behind me and not turning back. Transit. Sun trine Sun until tomorrow. Pretty damn good. I've got opportunities of a life time. I might get the chance to get accepted to Northwestern University, one of the best schools for an undergrad in journalism, because of the connections I've made. I'm scared of the place though, and what if I don't like it? Truly my heart belonged to Columbia College. This weekend and today I was up and the campus, and everything just seemed so beautiful. Dad told me, "This feels like you." I agreed with him for a while, so now I'm not sure anymore.
Today I taught a blog workshop to professional journalists for the McCormick Foundation. Got damn was it beneficial! I got a chance to meet the editor of the San Franciso Chronicle and other big time newspaper employees. One lady wanted to give me an internship over the summer, and guaranteed that she'd pull strings to get it for me. Others were pouring all over me with their business cards saying that they'd offer me a place in their newspapers when I graduate from college. This really feels like it was destined. I am positively sure that this is what I should be doing for the rest of my life. I've never been this sure before.

Also, I met a freshman from my high school at this blog workshop. I never knew he attended my high school, but he's freagin amazing. Our likes and such were so similar and we didn't want to part from each other when the bus stopped. I really feel like its a blessing I met him, and now I have a new best friend to replace the old. I want to hang out with him alot more. The thing is that he's moving to gawd knows where in Illinois, and I don't have a very long time to hang with him. So we'll see. I think it's a start of a beautiful friendship. Overall a beneficial day.

I'm happy.

Waiting in the Rain

He left my house yesterday, while the winds were howling and a storm was about to set in. On a cold bus stop in the city while the street lights glared down, he picked up his phone. Called. No answer. Voice mail. I'm so sorry, I never meant to break your heart. He says. rambles on. The rain comes, those who look on as the cars drive by can't tell whether its rain or tears that hit his face in the darkness.

Saves message.

I'm stupid...

Erased Memories

I'm deleting his number from my phone right now.

Shit.. that was hard.

Now, delete everytime he called you...

::looks at option::

erase all...

times dialed...

erase that shit too.

I don't think I'll open up to anyone else ever again.
Over the years it was expected, the mere heat of us getting together burned up all the air in a room. I knew that if we were alone, all bets were off. I wouldn't be able to resist, and I tried. I thought about dead naked grandmas for gawd sakes, but the tension was just too much. One thing led to another. He regretted it. I opened up a part of myself, and it wasn't enough. As he got up and I opened the door for him, he gave me one last desolate look. I stared back willing myself to be swayed. His eyes told me he was sorry. It wasn't enough. I looked back at him, steely eyed. Closed the door in his face, like the heart I had chosen to show that day.

It's over.

Karma's a bitch.

Trees

Have you heard that there are only two main things humans do?

Grow and Die.

Once you're done growing (In your 20s), you start dying slowly until one day disease or time takes you away. Like a tree continues upward for years until it stops, and the leaves begin to fall and the bark dries up, then the tree is only a hollow of what it use to be. The granduer, the display of brilliant green leaves, disenigrate. Is that all to life?

Live to die, and dying to live?

Comment?

Fire

I'm about to commit a crime. The other woman, foul. I want to, the danger of it, the secretiveness of a hidden love affair...it intrigues me like nothing else. I can feel the fire igniting, and burning and the red attracts me as a moth is to the light. I might burn if I get to close, but I think that's a risk I'm willing to take...

Later today...

But impulsive actions must be impulsive, and given a day to think about an impulsive act defeats the purpose entirely. The flame dims, not meant to be, and one lost in a fantasy.

Concluded.

Anniversary

Today reminds of the moment when I met my destiny and how I floated so fucking high that I got stuck up there somewhere in time, when the leaves begin to fall and the weather cools. Late nights and whispered conversations under plastic glow in the dark stars that, for an instant, reminded me of the night sky. How I wished upon those plastic stars hoping that the moment would last, and how time ended up being my worst enemy. There was something so innocent and true about those times where two souls meet. The embraces, the moldings of two bodies where one is lost in the other, not knowing which thought is whose. Have you ever had a moment where there are no thoughts in your head, you feel intoxicated and surreal. This is Magic. True Magic.

Happy 3rd Anniversary.