Three Ways

Finally I got a little action.

Classes as usual, homework, midterms in two weeks, and I blew off all my worries to spend a Tuesday night over this girl's house with the guy I like. We met this girl, lets say her name is A, at a club meeting me and the guy, named Shawn, went to. A likes me, but Shawn, likes her and possibly me, :: shrug :: It's confusing. Sometimes he gives me signals, sometimes he doesn't. Anyway. Basically me and the girl while he slept, fooled around, and we tried to keep it down but sometimes I wonder if he heard us. He slept on the couch, while we slept on the pallet on the floor. It was a pretty awesome night. I had a girl who desired me over all of those guys who wanted her, but I can't get over my feelings for the guy. We spend all our time together and we're so made for each other. I can't say that about the girl. Sure, she turned me on and the fooling around was good, but I never really wanted to get into anything with her because I don't love her...::sigh:: Besides, her and I have been keeping things a secret from what happened that night from him. Right now I'm in the friend category..we're each others' best friend and it would be funny if I told him I hooked up with the girl he likes. So vola...I'm in some deep shit.

I slept over his house yesterday, because we decided to bake some cookies for this event, and while I was cutting out heart shape cookies, he would come behind me and hug me tight, sometimes kissing me on the cheek, and I would just melt. Got damn we fit so perfectly. Whatever. We'll see where it goes.

Venus conjunct Mars

For people with a Venus-Mars conjunction in their natal charts, the blending of the feminine and masculine energies within is a natural process, although other aspects to the conjunction will tell the whole story as to how this is done. These people possess personal magnetism in spades. They live and breathe romantic/sexual relationships. It is generally easy for them to form relationships, unless the conjunction is severely afflicted. They ooze sexuality, and they are generally quite impulsive with regards to entering new relationships. Relationships are not only important to them, they require a fair amount of excitement, adventure, and passion in their pairings in order to feel alive and vital. With this conjunction, there is generally a pleasing blend of self-assertion and cooperation. This comprises some of their charm, in that they generally know how to assert themselves without stepping on others' toes. In some cases, men with this aspect may be too dominating in romantic situations, and might gain a reputation for being "macho". This is not always the case, however. For the most part, these people are quite direct about what they want in a relationship, and they are quite passionate when it comes to going about getting what they want. It can be a challenge maintaining perspective when it comes to relationships. These people are generally highly creative and are bent on finding outlets for their creativity. Their vitality and warm energy is something that can be felt by others, as if it lies just below the surface.

Alternate, short interpretation: You are extremely amorous and it is difficult for you to go without a romantic involvement for very long. When you are attracted to someone, you pursue them very ardently and sometimes come on too strong. Doing creative work or artistic work can also satisfy the very strong desire for love and beauty that you feel.

Inspiration and Regrettable Actions

I'm writing a biography on Anais Nin for a writing class here at the College. I bought Henry and June and checked out a few biographies on her. I've fallen in love with this woman all over again and her beautifully poetic writing. Ever since I read her many years ago, I've wanted to emulate her in some way. Her writing style is something I aspire to be able to do with my work; to inspire and move. Her life was something I wanted to live as well. This was the first time I learned about the word Bohemian, and that word offered me so many different possibilities.

So once again like my other entries, I'm still trying to find someone I can love and someone to love me fully and completely. I've come close to it, but not one person has satisified me to the point where I could stop myself from looking any further. I've met a guy on campus whom I believe, I'm perfect for. We're perfect for each other. The world sees it and I think he can too, but I don't know. Our minds work in similar ways and we are of the same elements, air and water. Our friendship is in a cloud of mist and fog from the steam of our passion for each other. I love him indefinietly and automatically put him up there with the people I hope to protect and love for as long as possible. We've been spending large amounts of time together and staying over each other's places, growing ever closer. I rejoice everytime he touches me or puts his arms around me. They're big and strong arms. His hands are twice my size, and next to him I feel small and delicate. He stands over me tall and strong, and I feel safe. I am so comfortable in his presence that I hate for him to leave me for long periods of time, and I get a little nervous.

Gemini sun, pisces moon with an aquarius sun, scorpio moon...can love each other passionately and with little restrictions right? Being around him feels effortless. I know but I don't know if he shares my feelings and my unasked devotion to our friendship. Sometimes I don't feel worthy, and it causes me to flit from one flower to the next, and I avoid staying somewhere for long afraid that I'll be trapped in a jar by mankind and suffocate in the closed, visible confinements, while watching the world watching me die and make my last movement.

My fault is that I over analyze everything. Maybe this is what's causing me so much trouble. Shouldn't I enjoy our friendship and live it out until it ends? I get so caught up in my feelings, I fall so hard and can't get up to the point where it becomes a bit exhausting. I've always been an all or nothing person.

I've been asking people how do they see me. Lately, I've gotten social, happy, flirtacious, the endless capacity to love. I see myself as weak, indecisive, stuck, brooding, and intense. I've been fighting with myself since my childhood to learn how to be open and honest, and I guess it's working. I shut myself off from the world so tight that I couldn't see the sun reflecting through the windows trying to melt the ice. I want to give myself wholely and mercilessly, and I want someone to open their arms and let me stay there and love me for all that is me. No more. No less.

Quest

My quest continues for love. That sounds corny as hell, but it's true. :: sigh :: I've decided that right now I'm really not interested in dating any guys at the moment, unless old, dark and mysterious decides he wants a relationship with me, but I haven't seen him in weeks, and it's starting to grain on me. Damn how much longer does it have to be before my lonliness subsides. Yet again, no luck with the girls. Maybe there's something wrong with me, I'm starting to wonder.

Classes have been going well. I got a shit load of homework piled on me as usual. There's nothing I can do about that. I've been working, doing the theatre thing, I'm glad I got my articles in on time. Now they're going through other editors and I should finally be able to just put in the corrections and send it off to the designers, and then I'm quitting that job. I hate to do it, but I need time for myself. This is my last magazine with them because I have to focus on my school work and have some kind of social life, finally. I'm starting to fill burned out again. I just got another job today to work in the mail room in the residence hall I'm staying in. Each and every paycheck will be put into my checking account so I can start saving up for an apartment for next summer. Robert and I are moving in together. Then we'll really be a married couple almost. Our relationship is strange at best. Gay men...queer woman...soulmate love. Strange indeed.

The girl I like who lives next to me, confided in me some more about her sexuality. I want her. I really like her, but I'm so scared. I don't know how to make the first move anymore. I'm not as daring as I use to be. So I think I'll end up letting her slip through my fingertips just like I do for everyone I really like and want to be with, or they find a way to slip away from me. I'm starting to think this quest is useless. I'm about ready to throw in the towel and call it quits.

Nana and Love

I've been watching this anime series called Nana, and it talked about a lot of things that I've been going through lately. Love...falling in love..meaningless relationships. I'm currently in a "non relationship" and I don't know if I can take it anymore. I don't know where I stand with him. He could be sleeping with other women, and it hurts me to think that he is. I hate that I feel this way because of my personal motto on freedom, etc. I've never been exclusive for too long. Maybe it's a fear of rejection, or actually a fear of acceptance. Sometimes I don't like who I am and it's projection mainly on my part.

I tend to like the emotionally unavailable types, and he is definitely one of those. Elusive, cool, collected, and distant from me. But when we're together under warm covers, he kisses the air out of my lungs, and holds me in his arms to the point where I felt like I could break in two...I want him for myself, and I want us to be in each others' arms for as long as possible. He holds me like he never wants to let go. Sometimes I feel like he's telling me he loves me when I'm with him, but I don't know. After leaving him, my heart would feel like it's breaking in two as well.

I'd wake up next to him and he'd see me and smile and I'd smile, the sun would peak through the blinds, and I would feel so got damn happy, until time catches up with me, and the night spells were broken. Those nights of intimacy I figured would bring us close together. It seemed to. I could connect to him and be with him and only him. He would never get distracted. I would be his only distraction, and he could caress me all night and kiss me every time he woke up. I want to so badly, be with him. I realize I must sound like an unsure and promiscuous person from my last inquiries. I have been trying to figure somethings out, but I know I want to be with someone. I emphasis that constantly. I've been trying to find a placement for him, always placements instead of the things, the people I want and need in my life. If we were together I wouldn't wander. I've been trying to find someone else, someone that I could rely on and be with. None seem available or I am unavailable to them in someway. It's a never ending cycle. But I've met my match in him. He knows I need constant attention, intelligent conversations, run from our relationships because we're afraid to get hurt. He is afraid. Sometimes I wonder if he does these things with other women, hold them all night, whisper sweet nothings in their ear, ask them to spend the weekend with them....are you just using me? I want to know so I can act accordingly and stop falling for you. Only use you when I want to feel another body laying next to mines. Just tell me if you feel the same way...I understand you more then you know. We are the same.

Rave Nights and Techno Beats

I went to game club today after hours grueling over the homework. I saw my new Columbia friends there, and enjoyed spending time with them. They asked me if I wanted to go to a rave. I said, "what the hell...might as well." I had never been to a rave before or the House of Blues. DeadMaus was playing there. Highlight of the night was the remix of Knights of Cydonia by Muse and Harder, Better, Faster Stronger by Daft Punk combined to make this crazy ass techno song. It was fucking nuts. I felt the bass enter my whole body and sweaty bodies surrounded me from every side, and I felt apart of something wonderful. Something that connected me to everyone in that damn room. All the E tripping, drunk, crack sniffing motherfuckers in that room. We all felt infinite. At one point, I felt like I was about to pass out, and that's when I decided I must leave.

The group of us got back at one in the morning. It's good we live downtown because it only took us like fifteen minutes to get back. Here I am tired as fuck, and I'm blogging. ::Sigh:: One thing I've learned about myself is that I have a great deal of self control, and I was on a natural high. I'm too damn responsible for my own good, but I let loose by dancing, and it felt great. Walking back from the rave, we walked over the Chicago bridge and the tall skyscrapers outlined the river. And I thought, for once, I can stay out as late as I want and not have to worry about being somewhere really fast. I could be outside all night if I wanted to, and the fact that I could made me feel good. In the end, hours of dancing wore me out, and I went home dutifully and drug substance free.

I am free from it all.

I suffer from AW

Attention whorishness....yep...that's what it is.. I think I haven't gotten enough affection...and then I get all cranky and depressed. So during my major slump, the girl I have a big crush on and this guy I sort of liked came over. He kept hugging me, and even came from behind and hugged me and held me close to him. I thought I'd melt. That's what I wanted so much. They both came over here playing DDR in my dorm room, and it felt so got damn magical. I felt like I had been saved.

I had a hard day at work. I didn't feel inspired, and couldn't write a single thing for the article that's due next week. Not a single thing. So instead of being in the office, wasting my life away, I decided to go to the theatre company early and do some work. I rearranged a few words and listened to some music for inspiration, but then I was staring at a screen of words I'd wrote and couldn't decipher them. By then, it was time for the meeting with funders. So since most of the cast of the play is in school, and had other commitments, I'm force to reaudition for the part I had all summer. The director told me that sixty people are auditioning for my role. It made me more depressed on top of my already hefty decline from happy land. But she assured me that I had a leg up and that I was talented, etc etc....then just give me my damn role....I was born to play that role..and I know all of the lines....-_-' Anywho. So after that I came home in the dreary rain, holes in my shoes, socks soaked, and in a foul temper, I cam back to my dorm ready to just crash and burn....

Those two saved me. That girl and the guy. I craved attention, and they gave it to me. So I'm alot happier then earlier today. A lot happier. But I've been thinking about this older guy I've been seeing, and he's a total ass, but I love the challenge, and I think he's into me too, but I'm tired of our non relationship...and fucking around with the ex...I want someone I can be with. I'm tired of being fluid/free spirited....I do have more options...but now I'm looking for an anchor to steady the ship and not let it go off and hit an iceberg.

Depressed...

...enough said.

Lonely Blues

I feel like shit.

I feel ugly, unwanted, and just blah. Why the hell can't I find someone who's 100% available that I honestly want. Am I just attracted to the unavailable types? I fucked around with the ex again, and I'm considering doing it again just for the fucking attention. I'm sick as fuck, and lonely. No one has talked to me lately. I have to call them and strike up a conversation. What the fuck is up with that? I feel like a got damn simpleton. What the hell am I good for? Today overall wasn't a good day. I like my Composition II writing class and Gay and Lesbian Studies class...it's interesting...but I'm not...I'm a got damn bore.

I'd like to fancy myself as a modern day renaissance woman, but I'm a fucking poser. Argh..I do realize I'm just coming down on myself a little too harshly, but bah...sometimes I really do feel this way...damn you scorpio moon...damn you...

Work at the magazine tomorrow...I'm quitting...by the first of October so I can focus on school and an on campus job/acting career....I'll miss it dearly...that was like my other family, my life line...but I have to move on and do what I got to do. Right after the magazine job, I have to go to the theatre company and discuss the play we're putting on for the tenth anniversary of Matthew Shepard's Death, The Laramie Project and other gigs for next week....will I ever have a life of my own to just relax? Probably not. Do I want it that way? Probably not. But I would like to know that I can call some fucking body and they would be there to pick up my fucking phone calls and to spoon all night if that's what the fuck I want to do.

Sincerely,

Unloved in Chicago.

New Experiences, More Stresses

So Today I had Intro to Economics, Intro to Journalism, and College Mathematics.

I thought Economics was very interesting, and I like the teacher a lot. He made the whole class laugh, and basically his class is all about reading a few chapters a week and taking quizzes. So simple.

Intro to Journalism, not so simple. I have a paper due in a few weeks, a few chapters to read, newspapers to analyze each day, and various other things. I thought the teacher was a bit disorganized.

College Mathematics...hate it so much that I can barely stand it. From the moment we get in the class he springs a pop quiz on us to see where we're at. The damn bastard! So I realized how much I sucked at math...woopie...then he gives us like five pages of math problems....-_-' Not happy about that at all. Overall..this was a bit of a stressful day...

Tomorrow I have Writing and Rhetoric II and Gay and Lesbian Studies I which I'm extremely excited about. It won't be so hard on me tomorrow. I could definietly do two classes a day..but this three class thing is killing me already. So I'm almost finished with my math homework, and I'm lucky that the girl I like is really good at math. So she is helping me with a few problems...Tomorrow I have a job interview to work in the mailroom in my residence hall..I won't be too upset if I don't get the job though. I think I'm overworked already, and I have to balance my social life and the two jobs at the theatre company and magazine...I don't know how I'm going to do everything, but we'll see. Right..more homework. I decided to call it quits at 1 o clock no matter where I am on an assignment...I have to wake up at eight to work out with the roommates and then wash up, eat breakfast..etc before a 10:30 class in the morning.

Necessary Work

Today I went to the theatre company I work for. They gave us our scripts for The Laramie Project and had us watch the HBO adaptation to get a feel of what the play was about. I was moved. Ten years later, things still haven't changed completely. Lawrence King this year, age 14, was shot in his own school. Hate crimes are still at an all time high, and you'd think in 2008 things would've changed. I'm extremely excited to do the Laramie Project and once again I've been reminded of how much I love theatre. I'm sure this is something I want to keep doing in the future. There's nothing like being on stage and feeling the crowd's energy. It's a give and take relationship. What the crowd gives me I give back, sometimes more so. But being someone else, sort of gives me this insight into myself, parts of me I tend to ignore, but I'm now forced to face. It's a humbling and amazing experience.

I have school in the morning. I'm really excited about my Gay and Lesbian Studies class that starts on Wednesday. Some of the required reading is as follows: Toward Stonewall, Before Stonewall, Stone Butch Blues, and America's Boy. I'm sure it will be an engaging class, and I'll learn some new things about queer history that I didn't know before.

Right now, no progress on the girl I like. I still like her immensely, but I feel like a complete idiot around her, and a lot of times I don't even know what to say to her. That's the thing about me. Give me a piece of paper and a pen and I can write you a story, but ask me to tell you a story off the top of my head, I freeze. I can't articulate my thoughts very well. That's always been my weakness. She's so smart, and athletic, and artistic...she's everything and more. Charming as heck. People are just automatically drawn to her and I'm just another face in the crowd. I'm no one in particular. All I have is my drive, hardheadedness, and ambition to see me through. Always a working progress. That's what got me here this far, but I might need more then that now. Maybe I doubt my self a little bit too much.

So I've been feeling the "singles" blues lately. I keep wanting a relationship more and more. I want someone to love me and worship me. Yeah I might be an attention whore that's it. That explains my promiscuity. I want everyone to love me and be with me or something of the sort. I feel dull as fuck lately. Oh well. Time to sleep...class in the morning.

Update on first day of school later tomorrow.