Nana and Love

I've been watching this anime series called Nana, and it talked about a lot of things that I've been going through lately. Love...falling in love..meaningless relationships. I'm currently in a "non relationship" and I don't know if I can take it anymore. I don't know where I stand with him. He could be sleeping with other women, and it hurts me to think that he is. I hate that I feel this way because of my personal motto on freedom, etc. I've never been exclusive for too long. Maybe it's a fear of rejection, or actually a fear of acceptance. Sometimes I don't like who I am and it's projection mainly on my part.

I tend to like the emotionally unavailable types, and he is definitely one of those. Elusive, cool, collected, and distant from me. But when we're together under warm covers, he kisses the air out of my lungs, and holds me in his arms to the point where I felt like I could break in two...I want him for myself, and I want us to be in each others' arms for as long as possible. He holds me like he never wants to let go. Sometimes I feel like he's telling me he loves me when I'm with him, but I don't know. After leaving him, my heart would feel like it's breaking in two as well.

I'd wake up next to him and he'd see me and smile and I'd smile, the sun would peak through the blinds, and I would feel so got damn happy, until time catches up with me, and the night spells were broken. Those nights of intimacy I figured would bring us close together. It seemed to. I could connect to him and be with him and only him. He would never get distracted. I would be his only distraction, and he could caress me all night and kiss me every time he woke up. I want to so badly, be with him. I realize I must sound like an unsure and promiscuous person from my last inquiries. I have been trying to figure somethings out, but I know I want to be with someone. I emphasis that constantly. I've been trying to find a placement for him, always placements instead of the things, the people I want and need in my life. If we were together I wouldn't wander. I've been trying to find someone else, someone that I could rely on and be with. None seem available or I am unavailable to them in someway. It's a never ending cycle. But I've met my match in him. He knows I need constant attention, intelligent conversations, run from our relationships because we're afraid to get hurt. He is afraid. Sometimes I wonder if he does these things with other women, hold them all night, whisper sweet nothings in their ear, ask them to spend the weekend with them....are you just using me? I want to know so I can act accordingly and stop falling for you. Only use you when I want to feel another body laying next to mines. Just tell me if you feel the same way...I understand you more then you know. We are the same.