I'm writing a biography on Anais Nin for a writing class here at the College. I bought Henry and June and checked out a few biographies on her. I've fallen in love with this woman all over again and her beautifully poetic writing. Ever since I read her many years ago, I've wanted to emulate her in some way. Her writing style is something I aspire to be able to do with my work; to inspire and move. Her life was something I wanted to live as well. This was the first time I learned about the word Bohemian, and that word offered me so many different possibilities.
So once again like my other entries, I'm still trying to find someone I can love and someone to love me fully and completely. I've come close to it, but not one person has satisified me to the point where I could stop myself from looking any further. I've met a guy on campus whom I believe, I'm perfect for. We're perfect for each other. The world sees it and I think he can too, but I don't know. Our minds work in similar ways and we are of the same elements, air and water. Our friendship is in a cloud of mist and fog from the steam of our passion for each other. I love him indefinietly and automatically put him up there with the people I hope to protect and love for as long as possible. We've been spending large amounts of time together and staying over each other's places, growing ever closer. I rejoice everytime he touches me or puts his arms around me. They're big and strong arms. His hands are twice my size, and next to him I feel small and delicate. He stands over me tall and strong, and I feel safe. I am so comfortable in his presence that I hate for him to leave me for long periods of time, and I get a little nervous.
Gemini sun, pisces moon with an aquarius sun, scorpio moon...can love each other passionately and with little restrictions right? Being around him feels effortless. I know but I don't know if he shares my feelings and my unasked devotion to our friendship. Sometimes I don't feel worthy, and it causes me to flit from one flower to the next, and I avoid staying somewhere for long afraid that I'll be trapped in a jar by mankind and suffocate in the closed, visible confinements, while watching the world watching me die and make my last movement.
My fault is that I over analyze everything. Maybe this is what's causing me so much trouble. Shouldn't I enjoy our friendship and live it out until it ends? I get so caught up in my feelings, I fall so hard and can't get up to the point where it becomes a bit exhausting. I've always been an all or nothing person.
I've been asking people how do they see me. Lately, I've gotten social, happy, flirtacious, the endless capacity to love. I see myself as weak, indecisive, stuck, brooding, and intense. I've been fighting with myself since my childhood to learn how to be open and honest, and I guess it's working. I shut myself off from the world so tight that I couldn't see the sun reflecting through the windows trying to melt the ice. I want to give myself wholely and mercilessly, and I want someone to open their arms and let me stay there and love me for all that is me. No more. No less.
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