Spotlight with Sam Cooke

Today was almost a bad day. I woke up late to rehearsals and told them I'd be two hours late, a bird nearly shitted on my head, and two busses passed me at the bus stop, but luckily there was another bus right behind it five minutes away. By the time I got there, the director was both homicidal and suicidal. She got so frustrated at one point that she threw her herbal tea for tension and stress right at a guy's head. It all seemed very amusing after having a fitful three hours of sleep dreaming about tarot cards. Some people started taking naps on the back stage, and I was one of them, laying on that cold, dark, and dirty stage floor behing the black curtains. I kept laughing at odd moments and talking to myself. I suppose that's how it works after an eight hour rehearsal session. We have two shows this week, Wednesday and Thursday, and I think we've got our shit together, but it's iffy at best and I'm not looking forward to waking up at six in the morning to have another eight to ten hour rehearsal session. But I have a confession to make, I love it. I love being on that stage and according to the director, I'm a natural. The spotlight nearly blinds me but it's exhilirating. The play is pretty depressing though. It's about HIV/AIDs and the difficulties of coming out about having it. That Sam Cooke song(which is the theme song of the play) gives me goose bumps every time I hear it.

During rehearsals I started to think about the fucked up relationships I have with my friends, and how now, everytime I have a tarot reading I'm represented as the eight of swords, a woman blindfolded and bound with swords around her and a dying river below her feet. I'm so stuck and lack clarity in every situation, and it's hard to take off that blindfold and losen the ropes that bind me. That song.."A Change is Gonna Come", I hoped with all of my heart today behind those black curtains that change would come, where one day I wouldn't be the eight of swords, maybe become the page of hearts like my best friend, and have a more open heart. I hoped that I could stand on my own two feet and be the woman I've always wanted to be.

I was born by the river in a little tent
Oh and just like the river I've been running ever since
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will
It's been too hard living but I'm afraid to die
Cause I don't know what's up there beyond the sky
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will
I go to the movie and I go downtown somebody keep telling me don't hang around
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will
Then I go to my brother
And I say brother help me please
But he winds up knocking me
Back down on my knees Ohhhhhhhhh.....
There been times that I thought I couldn't last for long
But now I think I'm able to carry on
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will

-Sam Cooke