Jealousy

I'm finding it hard to control my jealousy. It's the fact that Leo hangs out more with his friends then me. It's the fact that his fucking ex girlfriend sees him more than I do, and I have a strong feeling that something is still going on between them. I'm finding it hard to keep my composure. So he told me he was busy today, and now I think he's at a party. I'm so upset. I wanted to spend some time with him, and he's at a fucking party? Does he not want to spend time with me? I feel so worthless and self conscious about myself. It really is like what the fuck now. I seen him for like an hour and a half today, and then just to send him off. I probably won't see him for the rest of the week...and then maybe hope to get a few glimpses of him next week. His birthday is next week. He might be going out of town for that weekend next week. When will my time come? When will I be important enough to take some time out of his busy fucking day to come see me and spend time with me. I'm so hurt by this right now. I'm always asking, and I hardly see any results. I'm working my ass off, and it would be nice to have my boyfriend around to talk to and relieve some of my stress. But no...I'm sitting at home for another fucking night alone while he goes off to have his fun with whomever. It's like fuck her for right now. Who cares about her...Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.

Friends: How many of us have them?

I once thought I had friends I could depend on, lean on. I put so much of my hope and dreams into them just to have it all thrown in my face. This is a harsh taste of reality, and a sign that I'm growing up some people would say. Friends grow apart, and life situations change. Sometimes you grow up, and realize you're not the person you use to be. And that person you use to be, doesn't necessarily go with the present. Friends leave you. They come and go like lovers. I thought friendship was supposed to be forever, and lovers come and go, but it's all the same. For me, there has always been a very thin line between a friend and a lover. I loved my friends so fiercely that I would fall in love with them, and sometimes get into petty arguments and become jealous if they didn't give me the attention I wanted. I thought more highly of my friends then my lovers, whom I couldn't open up and give my heart to. But friends break hearts too.

Things have changed now. All I have is my lovers. We make love occasionally, hang out and talk about any topic of the day, but I'm strangely lacking friends at the moment. That part of my life seems so barren. Maybe it's a phase I'm going through at the moment, but now I don't trust as easily as I use to. I'm more cautious about who I spend my time with. The after effects are lonely ol' me. My lovers are at work trying to get themselves together, and all I can think about is myself. I want my time. I want to be loved and held and talk about shit going on with me. I want them to pay attention to me. I'm tired of feeling this way.

With school around the corner, and I might be getting ready to move if I'm approved for this apartment, there won't be that much time to hang out anyway. Maybe this is some type of people detox the universe is telling me to go on. I need to be selfish and focus on me, and I'm associating myself with people who have to do the same thing. But I'm lonely. I shouldn't feel lonely.

Laying in Ruin

This summer was supposed to be about me getting my life situated, but it's been a mess. Fucking chaotic. I've lost friends and I've gained lots of time alone. I know I'm at a stage in my life where it's about me focusing on myself and my career. But all I want to do is hold on to the relationships I have left. It's a constant tug of war, but I know I must let them go, and if it was meant to be, they'll come back to me.

I've been having lots of money issues recently. Basically shit with financial aid. I've been thrifty with my money this summer since I've been saving up for my own place. It looks likely now, but I'm hoping this place doesn't sell before I can go up there and turn in my application. This apartment hunting business has been an eye opening experience, cut throat, and brutal. I was going to have a roommate, but when we couldn't find a place we both agreed on, in the end, that fell through. So I decided to work some more and save up for a studio. In the end, that's the best thing for me anyway. I wanted to have something that was mine. No one elses, and I've found a great place in Uptown. It's amazing actually. Big studio, nice lighting, and a big walk in closet for only 565 and includes all utilities except electric. It's three blocks from the El. The characters around the place are interesting, but I like how there's a nice blend there. All different ethnicities, and it still feels like an authentic neighborhood, not too white washed or yuppiesh yet. I'm thrilled to finally have my own place and stay out of my mother's house for good, and when school starts back, at least I'll feel like I'm working on my career. I won't feel like I'm doing anything productive.

My relationship with Leo is still somewhat icky. We're trying, but it's funny how the other woman we use to see poisons our relationship even though we're not even involved with her anymore. She decided to cut us both out of her life, and I said if that was it, then you're dead to me...and she tells him the same thing. Now he's upset cause he doesn't want her to hate him, but I'm sure it's nothing he can do about it now. There's too much bad blood, and she still thinks that he chose me over her.It's whatever. I just want to have my relationship with Leo, and have it work out. Meanwhile J has been there for me through thick and thin, and I love him for that. Even after the crazy drama that is Leo and this other woman, he's always there when I cry and feel down. Not to mention the mind blowing sex we have. I just want successful relationships, a good job, and money to pay all of my bills. -sigh- I am trying. I'm trying my best, but I don't have as many people to depend on like I once thought I had. I feel like I'm fending for myself sometimes.

Some Yo-yoing shit...

Some of my immediate plans have been turned upside down on its head. One thing is the apartment situation. I'm completely on my own with it, and I have to work twice as hard to save the cash to move by September 1st. I saw an awesome place that I'm sure will be snatched up before I'm able to pay for it by myself. It's just one disappointment after the next, and I'm wondering when will the stress and strain ease up...

It was me and Leo's two year anniversary of meeting on July 4. It was a chance encounter. I was waiting for the bus for hours after coming back from the Taste of Chicago fireworks in 2007, and it was two in the morning before I was finally able to get on a bus. He was just getting off of work. I remember thinking he was someone I'd like to talk to, and I did. He had some role playing game book I asked him about that I thought was cool, and we talked for the whole bus ride and traded instant message names. I don't know why I didn't think he'd IM me, but he did a day later and we began our friendship which would turn into something more. We finally got to be with each other two years later on that same late night. He got us a room downtown at a motel for the night on some spur of the moment shit, and we made love all night. That's what I would have to call it, making love, not just sex. Every part of my body was on fire and I was truly in the moment. We slept so soundly in each others' arms, and continued the love making in the morning until I had to run off to work that afternoon. I thought things had finally improved, but things didn't change that easily. I still don't see him when I want to and we didn't talk at all or communicate until today over twitter...

I wanted to vent to him about my frustrations with my money situation and feeling stuck him over my mother's house for the time being, and I couldn't cause I couldn't really get in touch with him. It made me so sad...It's like I better just learn to cherish the moments I do have when he can be so passionate and perfect. These moments are so few and far in between now that all I can remember is the bad shit. The shit he put me through...the countless yo-yoing...as if my life wasn't already erratic enough...he had to display the same behavior. I want shit to work out in my life, but this is one of those times right now where it's about the trials more than the tribulations. I'm just anxious to see my pay off. I've been working so hard in summer school to get ahead and working as many hours as I can to get my own place, and it's like I have minimal support. I need some encouragement. I need someone to believe in me, and right now I feel like I'm in the wilderness all alone, fighting to live another day...and there seems to be no end in sight...

"...my happiness with human beings is so precarious,

my confiding moods rare, & the least sign of disinterest is enough to silence me..."-- Anais Nin

Lonely Again

I've never felt so lonely. Again you realize that all you have is yourself. You have to love yourself more and take care of you before anybody else. I know what I have to do. I gotta keep pushing forward, and don't turn back.

The apartment search has just really started off. I can't wait to finally be in my own space and doing my own thing. Maybe this time I'll focus on the things I use to love doing i.e. writing and reading. I'll have minimal distractions.

I can focus more on my school work. I can travel abroad and then go to grad school without anybody holding me back or weighing me down. Free, a bit lonely, but floating on forever...

Dear Leo,

I'm ready to give up, call it quits, throw in the fucking towel. It shouldn't be this hard. All I want is to laugh with you, to sit with you, to enjoy your company...but you also make that an impossible feat sometimes. It feels like you've been avoiding me. When I finally told you how I felt, you said you were tired and can we do this later?...three days later...and we still haven't talked about shit. Do you want me in your life? Because I'm about an inch away from walking. You're burning the bridge you could have remained using to walk over the dangerous currents.

I feel like I'm being put last in your life. Primary my ass... You've had the title as long as you've wanted it. I am not something you pick up when you get bored and want to play with. We're in a relationship, on the eve of our official six month anniversary and two year anniversary of knowing each other, and I've never been so put off. You've put me through so much, and I can't just put all the blame on you either, because I know I put you through some stuff with J whom I still love. I told you to get use to it, and you had to cope. But that's in the past, and I wanted a long future with you.

I wanted you to be my number one and let me be yours. I still feel like I'm something to be ashamed of once in a while. We aren't communicating anymore like we use to. I don't know what's going on with you and your life or your job. Don't think I don't know about you and Marissa, and how you two still have feelings for each other, and you're getting over that,but I feel like a little nerve in the back of your brain...something you try to forget once in a while and come back to. You leave long enough, and I'm gone. You had your chance to be with someone special. Someone who is just as scared of the things you're scared of, believe in the same things that you do....and we've spent enough got damn time, drama, and heartache to get to where we are now, but I refuse to allow myself to feel this way. I can't keep doing the back and forth thing like Marissa. I'm not Marissa...I'll never be her...and if you can't accept or acknowledge me the way that I want to be acknowledge like I deserve, then I'm leaving. You don't have to worry about chasing me or calling me, or whatever, because I'll be gone...You won't have to end up like "those other guys" a ghost of the past...you'll just be gone indefinitely from my life. I don't need the drama or heartache, especially at this time in my life when I'm still trying to make something of myself. You should want me to be happy...and more importantly...you should want to be happy with me. If you don't want that, if you don't want to be with me like you said you would, then you say it as soon as possible so I can get over you and move on with my life. I don't have time to wait around for you. I love you, but I love me more. I need to take care of me. Move over if you can't help me do that.

Sincerely,

Heart Broken in Chicago

Growing Up is Hard

I've taken part in some new adventures in my life this summer. I got a a new job at AMC theatre and going full time at community college this summer to get my science requirements out the way. I'm also taking a Belly Dancing class which is increasing my confidence greatly. I'm even walking differently, because you know dancing is only walking, but doing it in a different way. I've been learning to except my body. Along with that, I've just started dreading my hair. So this time next year I hope to have some nice beautiful dreads, and maybe become a better belly dancer. I've been taking everything in strides and making some pretty important decisions in my life. This year has been about commitment and balancing things. My love life and my work life keep colliding with each other, and there has been some strain with my current relationship with Mr. Leo. He's going through similar things with his career. He's not feeling pleased with himself or the way his career is going, and I'm stuck on the sidelines hoping that I could at least ease some of that suffering. Instead I'm looking on helpless to stop him from entering this black hole. Overall, it's just been really hard. I'm trying to get my career started by finishing school, working as many hours to get my apartment before school starts, and trying to get in shape and learn to be more confident in myself. Now I have a whole other person to deal with. There has been a lot of growing pains, but I'm so committed. My decision to get dreads shows a another commitment I'm willing to take, and finishing school, yet another commitment. I've learned that growing up is about these commitments and how we choose to handle them in a patient and mature way is the key to being a successful adult. Prioritizing your commitments, admitting you were wrong..etc. I want things to work out smoothly. Don't we all.

JET Programme

I've definitely been thinking about the JET Programme a lot lately. I'll be graduating from college early, and I believe it's time to start thinking about this right now. I've decided that Tokyo would be awesome, since I've always been a city person. I'm sure practically every JET participant would want to go there too, or Kyoto or Osaka...so I've been researching cities and suburbs near Tokyo. I came across historic Kamakura, 31 miles South West from Tokyo, where the statue of Amida Buddha resides and many temples. I think I like the place. There's a beautiful beach where many tourists go as well. I think those would be my two choices for places to be stationed in if I were to be picked for the program, but there's also a place called Ichikawa-shi which borders Tokyo. Maybe I'll pick these two areas and see if I can get one, and take a train up to Tokyo on the weekends.

In other future events, I plan to study abroad in Shanghai in January 2010 for a few weeks studying the art and culture of this city. I'm really excited about doing it. I think it would prepare me for an extended time abroad I believe. If I get accepted to the JET Programme, more than likely I'll leave by July-August of 2011. It makes me nervous and excited. Things I'm doing to prepare myself: Taking Japanese starting in the spring up until I graduate and for the Shanghai trip, taking Eastern Humanities, a prereq for the Shanghai trip. Other than that, I need to start working on my passport. I'm also in the process of moving. I should have a new place by the end of August, and it's like everything is happening so fast! Full steam ahead from now on.

Whales and Oceans

I had a dream last night where I was walking down an empty city street, and this guy I know from my job asked me if I wanted a ride. He took me somewhere where we were about to sit down and eat, and these two kids moved their lunch away from me. One girl did right away, and another boy was like "don't eat my lunch!"... I started to curse and swear at the little kid. I told him that I wasn't touching his f*** lunch. And the man had to calm me down. He stared at me glaring a bit, and I glared back, and he asked me what's wrong. I said I was angry. After some theater show, we went to this ocean somewhere and saw a winter's sunset. He was telling me how the whole ocean froze over because it was so cold, but I had never seen anything so beautiful. It was a purplish blue as it set, and we walked on the ocean floor. Don't remember everything he told me, but then he spotted a whale under the frozen ocean, and we ran for the shore in a panic, and him urging me to go on and watch out for weak spots in the ice. We made it on the shore just in time to see the whale rise from the frozen ocean and crash back again, and we stared in awe at the magnificent huge creature before us, and set down and watched the sun finally go down.

I woke up smiling from this dream. It offered me some hope for some reason, and I thought that maybe this person has more significance in my life then I'd ever realized. It was like this man had something to teach me, about going with the flow, about anger, and how you have to appreciate life even when it throws you curve balls because it's worth living.

Coming to an End

I just got back from an Anime convention in Illinois today. It was pretty cool. Got to let out my inner nerd for a weekend with my boyfriend and friends. The end of the con signified a new period in my life sort of. It meant that I would have to go back to the real world of finals, bills, and moving out of residence life. I have to go back home with my mother for a summer and work my ass off to get my own place before the next school year. This summer means being less social then I've become. It's time to be self reflecting and introverted until close to the end of the summer where I can let loose. It's time to lose that winter and new relationship weight(You really do gain weight in relationships >.<). It's time to give up a little bit of my freedom to get further in life.

The relationship with Leo has been great, doing really well then the earlier b.s. at the start. One thing that's bothering me is that all his friends don't know about us. It's not like he is technically hiding it, but he's not explicitly saying anything. We're always together and hanging out, and I think people assume it. The big thing is the age. Even though I don't see it as a big enough gap to be a problem, I think he still thinks it would be in his group of friends since they are older than me. Not all of them by that much. Sometimes it makes me feel like he's ashamed of me, but he has me around all the time. He's spending more time with me, and his once cold demeanor is melting away. He is more affectionate with me and laid back when I'm around. He's changing with me and for me, which he said he would. I didn't ask nor expected him to change. I expected the worse, and he told me, "Lori, I'm going to change for you, cause the way I am now is not working for our relationship." And he did it. It shows me how much he loves me. Even though he gets jealous in our poly relationship and of my interest in other people, particularly guys, he's always working on it. This has been the most adult relationship of my life, and probably one of the most significant romantic relationships of my life, which I have had many in my young years. But I learned much about how I handle myself in my relationships and what doesn't work so well. These things I've been changing. The bullshit with our relationship is coming to an end. We're realizing everything doesn't have to be exciting all the time. We can just relax with each other. There is no need to worry about losing one another, because we have each other. We love each other, and we're willing to work on any rough patches ahead of us.

So here I am tired from the convention and just generally happy to have a strong relationship to support me through my life changes with trying to be independent, getting my new apartment, and working on my career. I feel lucky. Even though I have to take a few steps backwards to realize my dreams, I know that I'm moving forward with every stride. Just have to take a pit stop for gas, and I'm on my way to independence.

Exploring A New Terrain

So much has happened since my last post, and I can't even begin to transcribe these last two and a half months of confusion, emotional roller coasters and heart break. But I have to start somewhere.

About less than a week after my last post, I became officially involved with a man six years my senior. I've posted about him for some time, but we soon began finally acknowledging our feelings for each other before I knew about his other lover. We met and had all these pent up feelings of regret and embarrassment because of this man. We loved him for years, and we both didn't know about the other. He had decided that having no relationship at all was the best relationship to have because then he wouldn't feel trapped or obligated. He carried on these "non-relationships" with the both of us. The woman and I got to know each other, and then we even formed a friendship around our interests. The main thing we shared was our love for this man, and how we could never pin him down. When she formally found out about us, she was furious. She felt betrayed and hurt, and I didn't know what to do. I wanted to be with him, but I didn't want to hurt her. I knew they had a relationship, but I didn't know if they still had one. I assumed they did after a while since he refused to let her go.

We had then fallen into a relationship with each other. Her and I being who we are, and him being the way he is, we all declared that we were interested and capable of loving more than one person at a time. We were in a sense, always polyamorous. The woman had a deep interest in BDSM. Her relationship with a man named King had been apart of her life for years. She was interested in a relationship with the both of us, and in hindsight, I would say, it was doomed from the beginning. Just because you're poly doesn't mean you should get into a relationship just with anybody.

Me and (lets name the guy) Leo since it's his astro sign, had been building our relationship with each other. After my ex and I broke up, Leo was there for me since he wanted me to be with him all that time anyway. We were, in a sense, a little crazy for each other. Leo and the other woman had known each other for six years prior and were seeing each other romantically for about two and a half years compared to me and Leo's almost two years of knowing each other, and six months of seeing each other romantically at that time, back in January.

In a sense we were going through some New Relationship Energy. We were supposed to be a closed triad to work on building a relationship with one another, but I still feel like we jumped into it so quickly. We got a room and had a threesome, the night we decided to all be together. I kept thinking, "Am I really this weird?" I've always had relationships with more than one person, that conflicted with each other. Just reading my past posts you can see the relationship struggles I have had in the past. But this was new. This was me finally admitting to myself that I am poly. So this relationship I entered in with the two of them turned out to be the awakening I need. I had to think about relationships in all new ways.

But me and the woman's relationship was lacking. We jumped into it on a sheer whim. We wanted to see where this new way of loving would work out in practice, and we both loved him. She fell for me, but I didn't have the same feelings for her at all. If anything, I only had friendly and then at most points, tolerable feelings for her. Her biting sarcasm and ability to make herself appear to be a martyr in confrontations annoyed me to no end. We also didn't have the time to develop a relationship with each other since it was about the three of us, and not much one on one connections, but I believe the main reason the woman and I didn't last was because I felt we were incompatible.

The break up was not necessarily pretty. When I broke up with her, she wanted to sever ties with the both of us. Leo was upset by this and just fed up with her from over the years. She kept accusing us of choosing one another over her, and she felt abandoned. Leo told her if it was over, then it was truly over and you are a ghost to me. He cried on my shoulder that night. Everything happened so fast, and I just held him as he quivered and stained my shirt with his tears. He bounced back though and just wanted to be happy and knew he couldn't be happy with her if she would never get over the things he'd done in the past or our relationship with each other.

We are together now, and I have a lover on the side whom I've known and been involved with to some capacity for almost five years now. Leo is still getting over jealousy issues with that, but he met my lover and accepts him. Things have never been better between us though. We've learned what we truly want and how we really feel about each other. We will go with the flow. I love him dearly, and I feel that we will be together for a long time since we are honest with each other, and that we're both polyamorous people. We don't have to hide or feelings for others, and we are free to act on them and still love each other. It's a great feeling.

Poly me more than one

As I'm sitting here, I might be losing the one man I know I should be with. I've been living my life and not writing. I don't even know where to begin. There's been so much going on. The older guy left last night and I went over my ex and slept with him again. I wanted to be held. I wanted to be loved. I wanted to be comforted. The other guy did not do that the night he left. We spent the whole day together, and I enjoyed his company since the night he came over. Not exactly. I had a favorite uncle die and he came over moping about his ex lover and how he did her wrong. He said he didn't want to hurt me. He involved me in this non relationship, and I've grown to care for him so much. He can't just push me away like he's trying to do. I'm tired. Maybe I'll write more later.

Fucking Up

I fucked up again. After breaking up with my boyfriend I got with the guy who fought and won me fair and square. I deserve better. I'm tired of seeing potential in these guys and not getting what I deserve. I deserve the man I'm with. My newly ex boyfriend came back in town and it took me only three days to sleep with him again. What the hell was I thinking. Even though it's not official with the guy I'm with, I can't help but feel like I've cheated on him. Maybe I'm just an attention whore and the person who gives me that attention, I just gravitate toward them. I really love this guy. He's so capable and smart. So what if he hasn't been around me for two days? This is ridiculas. The ex and I will not get together...even after sleeping with him, I still know that to be true. But then why did I sleep with him? Maybe there was some lingering feelings...a goodbye fuck. The sad part about all this is that I don't know if I won't sleep with him again. When I'm around him, I want to kiss him. He's not mature enough, corny, and broke. But he's good in bed and for some strange reason I still wanted to be around him. He cheated on me and Hurt me more than once. He doesn't deserve me. I think I just wanted to have sex. I will not get back with him. There was too much shit I took because of him.

Fuck me and the other guy never said we were exclusive but I want to be with him. It makes me wonder if I can ever be truly faithful. Am I just not a one person woman? Damn. I'm afraid to tell him that I slept with my ex. I wonder what he would say to me. I made so much progress with him. He was hanging out with me so much and we grew so close. I could feel our love for each other grow. I even imagined that we were kind of married the five days that we were together in a row. He kept saying this is what married life must be like. Coming home to someone everyday and having that person wake up next to you. He told me even before that how now he can't stand sleeping alone. He is someone who compliments me. He is someone I want and need in my life. I don't need my ex back in my life like this other man. I've chosen and I can't keep running back to the past and live in the here and now. I need to stop thinking about these imaginary futures. Fuck man. Don't be stupid Lori. There is a reason why the exes are exes. They couldn't provide you with the growth you needed.
They'll stunt your growth. They're lame and not on the same level as you whether it be mentally physically and/or emotionally. I will reach for
the fucking stars. I deserve the guy I'm with. It's about time that I have higher standards. Don't settle for less. Don't just go out with a guy cause he seems nice or because you think you need to be in a relationship cause you're lonely. Settle for more.