The True Intentions of this Blog

I realize now from reading most of these posts that all I ever talk about is my relationships with other people. I wonder if that will change as I post more on here. Right now I don't think so.
So I'm seeing an older man, intellectual, critical, and distant. Behind closed doors, he's caring, considerate, and dependable. I don't know what to make of it. I know I posted about him some time before.

I'm single again, and reevaluating my past relationships. I think it's best I stay that way and date around...see where this takes me.

::Later Today::

The friend turned lover I thought fit so well with me didn't fit so well. We should've stayed friends. I cried for him more than I cried for any other boy friend. He really let me down, and I blame his age. There was a reason I would always go for the older guys.

The older man was right about my relationship the whole time, and after much reflection, I see that I was in love with the idea of a relationship and our potential then actually him. He was not the right guy for me. As I posted some months ago, other guys were replacements for him. I need someone logical, solid, intellectually and physically stimulating. He was right, and he faught for me. So now that you got me sir, what will you do now? Will my prediction come true about us? Once we have each other, will we become bored and look else where?

Picture Perfect

Finally Alas! I've been successful! Me and the guy Shawn are now going out. Have been since September 25. We're bleeping happy together, and I see a future that stretches out endlessly...I don't think I've ever felt this way about a guy I was dating the the way I feel about him...oh my gawd...so yeah...more updates tba.

Three Ways

Finally I got a little action.

Classes as usual, homework, midterms in two weeks, and I blew off all my worries to spend a Tuesday night over this girl's house with the guy I like. We met this girl, lets say her name is A, at a club meeting me and the guy, named Shawn, went to. A likes me, but Shawn, likes her and possibly me, :: shrug :: It's confusing. Sometimes he gives me signals, sometimes he doesn't. Anyway. Basically me and the girl while he slept, fooled around, and we tried to keep it down but sometimes I wonder if he heard us. He slept on the couch, while we slept on the pallet on the floor. It was a pretty awesome night. I had a girl who desired me over all of those guys who wanted her, but I can't get over my feelings for the guy. We spend all our time together and we're so made for each other. I can't say that about the girl. Sure, she turned me on and the fooling around was good, but I never really wanted to get into anything with her because I don't love her...::sigh:: Besides, her and I have been keeping things a secret from what happened that night from him. Right now I'm in the friend category..we're each others' best friend and it would be funny if I told him I hooked up with the girl he likes. So vola...I'm in some deep shit.

I slept over his house yesterday, because we decided to bake some cookies for this event, and while I was cutting out heart shape cookies, he would come behind me and hug me tight, sometimes kissing me on the cheek, and I would just melt. Got damn we fit so perfectly. Whatever. We'll see where it goes.

Venus conjunct Mars

For people with a Venus-Mars conjunction in their natal charts, the blending of the feminine and masculine energies within is a natural process, although other aspects to the conjunction will tell the whole story as to how this is done. These people possess personal magnetism in spades. They live and breathe romantic/sexual relationships. It is generally easy for them to form relationships, unless the conjunction is severely afflicted. They ooze sexuality, and they are generally quite impulsive with regards to entering new relationships. Relationships are not only important to them, they require a fair amount of excitement, adventure, and passion in their pairings in order to feel alive and vital. With this conjunction, there is generally a pleasing blend of self-assertion and cooperation. This comprises some of their charm, in that they generally know how to assert themselves without stepping on others' toes. In some cases, men with this aspect may be too dominating in romantic situations, and might gain a reputation for being "macho". This is not always the case, however. For the most part, these people are quite direct about what they want in a relationship, and they are quite passionate when it comes to going about getting what they want. It can be a challenge maintaining perspective when it comes to relationships. These people are generally highly creative and are bent on finding outlets for their creativity. Their vitality and warm energy is something that can be felt by others, as if it lies just below the surface.

Alternate, short interpretation: You are extremely amorous and it is difficult for you to go without a romantic involvement for very long. When you are attracted to someone, you pursue them very ardently and sometimes come on too strong. Doing creative work or artistic work can also satisfy the very strong desire for love and beauty that you feel.

Inspiration and Regrettable Actions

I'm writing a biography on Anais Nin for a writing class here at the College. I bought Henry and June and checked out a few biographies on her. I've fallen in love with this woman all over again and her beautifully poetic writing. Ever since I read her many years ago, I've wanted to emulate her in some way. Her writing style is something I aspire to be able to do with my work; to inspire and move. Her life was something I wanted to live as well. This was the first time I learned about the word Bohemian, and that word offered me so many different possibilities.

So once again like my other entries, I'm still trying to find someone I can love and someone to love me fully and completely. I've come close to it, but not one person has satisified me to the point where I could stop myself from looking any further. I've met a guy on campus whom I believe, I'm perfect for. We're perfect for each other. The world sees it and I think he can too, but I don't know. Our minds work in similar ways and we are of the same elements, air and water. Our friendship is in a cloud of mist and fog from the steam of our passion for each other. I love him indefinietly and automatically put him up there with the people I hope to protect and love for as long as possible. We've been spending large amounts of time together and staying over each other's places, growing ever closer. I rejoice everytime he touches me or puts his arms around me. They're big and strong arms. His hands are twice my size, and next to him I feel small and delicate. He stands over me tall and strong, and I feel safe. I am so comfortable in his presence that I hate for him to leave me for long periods of time, and I get a little nervous.

Gemini sun, pisces moon with an aquarius sun, scorpio moon...can love each other passionately and with little restrictions right? Being around him feels effortless. I know but I don't know if he shares my feelings and my unasked devotion to our friendship. Sometimes I don't feel worthy, and it causes me to flit from one flower to the next, and I avoid staying somewhere for long afraid that I'll be trapped in a jar by mankind and suffocate in the closed, visible confinements, while watching the world watching me die and make my last movement.

My fault is that I over analyze everything. Maybe this is what's causing me so much trouble. Shouldn't I enjoy our friendship and live it out until it ends? I get so caught up in my feelings, I fall so hard and can't get up to the point where it becomes a bit exhausting. I've always been an all or nothing person.

I've been asking people how do they see me. Lately, I've gotten social, happy, flirtacious, the endless capacity to love. I see myself as weak, indecisive, stuck, brooding, and intense. I've been fighting with myself since my childhood to learn how to be open and honest, and I guess it's working. I shut myself off from the world so tight that I couldn't see the sun reflecting through the windows trying to melt the ice. I want to give myself wholely and mercilessly, and I want someone to open their arms and let me stay there and love me for all that is me. No more. No less.

Quest

My quest continues for love. That sounds corny as hell, but it's true. :: sigh :: I've decided that right now I'm really not interested in dating any guys at the moment, unless old, dark and mysterious decides he wants a relationship with me, but I haven't seen him in weeks, and it's starting to grain on me. Damn how much longer does it have to be before my lonliness subsides. Yet again, no luck with the girls. Maybe there's something wrong with me, I'm starting to wonder.

Classes have been going well. I got a shit load of homework piled on me as usual. There's nothing I can do about that. I've been working, doing the theatre thing, I'm glad I got my articles in on time. Now they're going through other editors and I should finally be able to just put in the corrections and send it off to the designers, and then I'm quitting that job. I hate to do it, but I need time for myself. This is my last magazine with them because I have to focus on my school work and have some kind of social life, finally. I'm starting to fill burned out again. I just got another job today to work in the mail room in the residence hall I'm staying in. Each and every paycheck will be put into my checking account so I can start saving up for an apartment for next summer. Robert and I are moving in together. Then we'll really be a married couple almost. Our relationship is strange at best. Gay men...queer woman...soulmate love. Strange indeed.

The girl I like who lives next to me, confided in me some more about her sexuality. I want her. I really like her, but I'm so scared. I don't know how to make the first move anymore. I'm not as daring as I use to be. So I think I'll end up letting her slip through my fingertips just like I do for everyone I really like and want to be with, or they find a way to slip away from me. I'm starting to think this quest is useless. I'm about ready to throw in the towel and call it quits.

Nana and Love

I've been watching this anime series called Nana, and it talked about a lot of things that I've been going through lately. Love...falling in love..meaningless relationships. I'm currently in a "non relationship" and I don't know if I can take it anymore. I don't know where I stand with him. He could be sleeping with other women, and it hurts me to think that he is. I hate that I feel this way because of my personal motto on freedom, etc. I've never been exclusive for too long. Maybe it's a fear of rejection, or actually a fear of acceptance. Sometimes I don't like who I am and it's projection mainly on my part.

I tend to like the emotionally unavailable types, and he is definitely one of those. Elusive, cool, collected, and distant from me. But when we're together under warm covers, he kisses the air out of my lungs, and holds me in his arms to the point where I felt like I could break in two...I want him for myself, and I want us to be in each others' arms for as long as possible. He holds me like he never wants to let go. Sometimes I feel like he's telling me he loves me when I'm with him, but I don't know. After leaving him, my heart would feel like it's breaking in two as well.

I'd wake up next to him and he'd see me and smile and I'd smile, the sun would peak through the blinds, and I would feel so got damn happy, until time catches up with me, and the night spells were broken. Those nights of intimacy I figured would bring us close together. It seemed to. I could connect to him and be with him and only him. He would never get distracted. I would be his only distraction, and he could caress me all night and kiss me every time he woke up. I want to so badly, be with him. I realize I must sound like an unsure and promiscuous person from my last inquiries. I have been trying to figure somethings out, but I know I want to be with someone. I emphasis that constantly. I've been trying to find a placement for him, always placements instead of the things, the people I want and need in my life. If we were together I wouldn't wander. I've been trying to find someone else, someone that I could rely on and be with. None seem available or I am unavailable to them in someway. It's a never ending cycle. But I've met my match in him. He knows I need constant attention, intelligent conversations, run from our relationships because we're afraid to get hurt. He is afraid. Sometimes I wonder if he does these things with other women, hold them all night, whisper sweet nothings in their ear, ask them to spend the weekend with them....are you just using me? I want to know so I can act accordingly and stop falling for you. Only use you when I want to feel another body laying next to mines. Just tell me if you feel the same way...I understand you more then you know. We are the same.

Rave Nights and Techno Beats

I went to game club today after hours grueling over the homework. I saw my new Columbia friends there, and enjoyed spending time with them. They asked me if I wanted to go to a rave. I said, "what the hell...might as well." I had never been to a rave before or the House of Blues. DeadMaus was playing there. Highlight of the night was the remix of Knights of Cydonia by Muse and Harder, Better, Faster Stronger by Daft Punk combined to make this crazy ass techno song. It was fucking nuts. I felt the bass enter my whole body and sweaty bodies surrounded me from every side, and I felt apart of something wonderful. Something that connected me to everyone in that damn room. All the E tripping, drunk, crack sniffing motherfuckers in that room. We all felt infinite. At one point, I felt like I was about to pass out, and that's when I decided I must leave.

The group of us got back at one in the morning. It's good we live downtown because it only took us like fifteen minutes to get back. Here I am tired as fuck, and I'm blogging. ::Sigh:: One thing I've learned about myself is that I have a great deal of self control, and I was on a natural high. I'm too damn responsible for my own good, but I let loose by dancing, and it felt great. Walking back from the rave, we walked over the Chicago bridge and the tall skyscrapers outlined the river. And I thought, for once, I can stay out as late as I want and not have to worry about being somewhere really fast. I could be outside all night if I wanted to, and the fact that I could made me feel good. In the end, hours of dancing wore me out, and I went home dutifully and drug substance free.

I am free from it all.

I suffer from AW

Attention whorishness....yep...that's what it is.. I think I haven't gotten enough affection...and then I get all cranky and depressed. So during my major slump, the girl I have a big crush on and this guy I sort of liked came over. He kept hugging me, and even came from behind and hugged me and held me close to him. I thought I'd melt. That's what I wanted so much. They both came over here playing DDR in my dorm room, and it felt so got damn magical. I felt like I had been saved.

I had a hard day at work. I didn't feel inspired, and couldn't write a single thing for the article that's due next week. Not a single thing. So instead of being in the office, wasting my life away, I decided to go to the theatre company early and do some work. I rearranged a few words and listened to some music for inspiration, but then I was staring at a screen of words I'd wrote and couldn't decipher them. By then, it was time for the meeting with funders. So since most of the cast of the play is in school, and had other commitments, I'm force to reaudition for the part I had all summer. The director told me that sixty people are auditioning for my role. It made me more depressed on top of my already hefty decline from happy land. But she assured me that I had a leg up and that I was talented, etc etc....then just give me my damn role....I was born to play that role..and I know all of the lines....-_-' Anywho. So after that I came home in the dreary rain, holes in my shoes, socks soaked, and in a foul temper, I cam back to my dorm ready to just crash and burn....

Those two saved me. That girl and the guy. I craved attention, and they gave it to me. So I'm alot happier then earlier today. A lot happier. But I've been thinking about this older guy I've been seeing, and he's a total ass, but I love the challenge, and I think he's into me too, but I'm tired of our non relationship...and fucking around with the ex...I want someone I can be with. I'm tired of being fluid/free spirited....I do have more options...but now I'm looking for an anchor to steady the ship and not let it go off and hit an iceberg.

Depressed...

...enough said.

Lonely Blues

I feel like shit.

I feel ugly, unwanted, and just blah. Why the hell can't I find someone who's 100% available that I honestly want. Am I just attracted to the unavailable types? I fucked around with the ex again, and I'm considering doing it again just for the fucking attention. I'm sick as fuck, and lonely. No one has talked to me lately. I have to call them and strike up a conversation. What the fuck is up with that? I feel like a got damn simpleton. What the hell am I good for? Today overall wasn't a good day. I like my Composition II writing class and Gay and Lesbian Studies class...it's interesting...but I'm not...I'm a got damn bore.

I'd like to fancy myself as a modern day renaissance woman, but I'm a fucking poser. Argh..I do realize I'm just coming down on myself a little too harshly, but bah...sometimes I really do feel this way...damn you scorpio moon...damn you...

Work at the magazine tomorrow...I'm quitting...by the first of October so I can focus on school and an on campus job/acting career....I'll miss it dearly...that was like my other family, my life line...but I have to move on and do what I got to do. Right after the magazine job, I have to go to the theatre company and discuss the play we're putting on for the tenth anniversary of Matthew Shepard's Death, The Laramie Project and other gigs for next week....will I ever have a life of my own to just relax? Probably not. Do I want it that way? Probably not. But I would like to know that I can call some fucking body and they would be there to pick up my fucking phone calls and to spoon all night if that's what the fuck I want to do.

Sincerely,

Unloved in Chicago.

New Experiences, More Stresses

So Today I had Intro to Economics, Intro to Journalism, and College Mathematics.

I thought Economics was very interesting, and I like the teacher a lot. He made the whole class laugh, and basically his class is all about reading a few chapters a week and taking quizzes. So simple.

Intro to Journalism, not so simple. I have a paper due in a few weeks, a few chapters to read, newspapers to analyze each day, and various other things. I thought the teacher was a bit disorganized.

College Mathematics...hate it so much that I can barely stand it. From the moment we get in the class he springs a pop quiz on us to see where we're at. The damn bastard! So I realized how much I sucked at math...woopie...then he gives us like five pages of math problems....-_-' Not happy about that at all. Overall..this was a bit of a stressful day...

Tomorrow I have Writing and Rhetoric II and Gay and Lesbian Studies I which I'm extremely excited about. It won't be so hard on me tomorrow. I could definietly do two classes a day..but this three class thing is killing me already. So I'm almost finished with my math homework, and I'm lucky that the girl I like is really good at math. So she is helping me with a few problems...Tomorrow I have a job interview to work in the mailroom in my residence hall..I won't be too upset if I don't get the job though. I think I'm overworked already, and I have to balance my social life and the two jobs at the theatre company and magazine...I don't know how I'm going to do everything, but we'll see. Right..more homework. I decided to call it quits at 1 o clock no matter where I am on an assignment...I have to wake up at eight to work out with the roommates and then wash up, eat breakfast..etc before a 10:30 class in the morning.

Necessary Work

Today I went to the theatre company I work for. They gave us our scripts for The Laramie Project and had us watch the HBO adaptation to get a feel of what the play was about. I was moved. Ten years later, things still haven't changed completely. Lawrence King this year, age 14, was shot in his own school. Hate crimes are still at an all time high, and you'd think in 2008 things would've changed. I'm extremely excited to do the Laramie Project and once again I've been reminded of how much I love theatre. I'm sure this is something I want to keep doing in the future. There's nothing like being on stage and feeling the crowd's energy. It's a give and take relationship. What the crowd gives me I give back, sometimes more so. But being someone else, sort of gives me this insight into myself, parts of me I tend to ignore, but I'm now forced to face. It's a humbling and amazing experience.

I have school in the morning. I'm really excited about my Gay and Lesbian Studies class that starts on Wednesday. Some of the required reading is as follows: Toward Stonewall, Before Stonewall, Stone Butch Blues, and America's Boy. I'm sure it will be an engaging class, and I'll learn some new things about queer history that I didn't know before.

Right now, no progress on the girl I like. I still like her immensely, but I feel like a complete idiot around her, and a lot of times I don't even know what to say to her. That's the thing about me. Give me a piece of paper and a pen and I can write you a story, but ask me to tell you a story off the top of my head, I freeze. I can't articulate my thoughts very well. That's always been my weakness. She's so smart, and athletic, and artistic...she's everything and more. Charming as heck. People are just automatically drawn to her and I'm just another face in the crowd. I'm no one in particular. All I have is my drive, hardheadedness, and ambition to see me through. Always a working progress. That's what got me here this far, but I might need more then that now. Maybe I doubt my self a little bit too much.

So I've been feeling the "singles" blues lately. I keep wanting a relationship more and more. I want someone to love me and worship me. Yeah I might be an attention whore that's it. That explains my promiscuity. I want everyone to love me and be with me or something of the sort. I feel dull as fuck lately. Oh well. Time to sleep...class in the morning.

Update on first day of school later tomorrow.

A Poem

She made me a poem using the magnetic poetry kit I got for Christmas. Each word appeared suddenly, and she proceeded in finding the phrases that spoke to her, and described me. Who am I really... The sentences appeared on the white fridge, adding more life to the blankness. She turned to me with a smile and said, " This poem is for you." and I thought she had filled the blankness in my life as well...

Her nude canvas appears as a masterpiece
composed from concrete passion
never fashioned for the liking of any
a picture hard to capture

The poem commented on my lusty nature and deep need for freedom. I guess I'm not that hard to read. But on the contrary. I'd settle down with you baby...I love her laugh. It sends a warm feeling deep down in me. and when I see her, I light up suddenly, and I wonder, does she know how much I like her? Probably not, I think in my mind. She's oblivious. She denies her true existence, her preference. I should not wait for her to "come out of the closet", but every day I'm waiting. Waiting for her to see me and love me. I want to run my fingers through her long brown hair and watch her close her eyes and enjoy the sensation. I want to kiss her soft lips and and make her sigh gently. I want us to hold each other and not move from the spot we set our selves in. I want so much.

She said she would write me a poem everyday with magnetic poetry, and everyday I will save and savior the words.

Freedom at Last

This is my first year of college. What are my feelings...

excited. anxious. dreadful.

I think I'd like to take another week off, but it's now or never. My roommate's wonderful, and we get along very well. I met a girl down the hall I'm crazy about, but she's iffy and a closet case. Not a good thing in someone you like.

My room has paper lanterns and Christmas lights hanging on the ceiling, and I feel at home. Parties every night, but by Friday I felt burnt out and stuck to my room watching movies. I invited a few people over and we enjoyed The Kite Runner. I didn't have any problems adjusting until the middle of the week where I start feeling inadequate. Finally I was around people just as creative, artistic, and crazy as I was. How can you stand out among a crowd of people that all stand out?

(Sigh) Be louder I guess. :: shrug::

I'm still stuck with some baggage while going into College. I got a tattoo in Japanese that says Freedom. It was symbolic for me, a new stage in my life. But My ex boyfriend is still hanging around and instead of letting him down, I'm stringing him along. I feel terrible. I tried to stay away from him for awhile. It had been a month since I seen him, and he was determined to see me. Every kiss said "I love you", and he looked at me so tenderly and told me how much he loved me and missed me. He made sure to kiss every inch of skin that he could and held me tightly in his arms. And the whole time I felt like shit. Fucking Shit.

I think I've fallen out of love with him. almost four years of knowing him...a year of loving him, a year of passion and and idleness. What can I say, I felt like I was drowning in mud. Warm, wet, mushy, mud. I had to get out just like I always do. The sick part about all this is that he knows me... He finally has me figured out, about my whole quest for freedom. He doesn't care who I sleep with or like as long as I stay in his shitty boring life and make him feel like we are still in love with each other. The truth is, this butterfly has fallen in love with someone else. He's mature, 5 years my senior, and driven.

I've met my fucking match. He's elusive and smart, witty as heck, and I freaking want him for my self. All of him, and he's like one of the few (out of one other guy) that I felt that I didn't want to share with anyone. He seemed like he cared about me just as much when we were in that motel room in the middle of August. He held me just as close and we laid in each others' arms, kissing every time we woke up or turned that night, and he woke up next to me, and saw me in the morning and smiled. I felt so good. He's so different in the bedroom then when he's outside with me. Suffers from a broken heart. He doesn't try and allow me to get too close to him. The thing is, we're the same type of people. If I did have him and he had me, would we really want each other as much? Maybe being just at arm's reach is what we're really after and never allowing anyone to have us for long is the key to my happiness.

Maybe I'll never be happy with anyone.

I mean I'm in college right? No need to limit myself. But I'm aching for a relationship right now. I want to commit myself to someone and be loved indefinitely, but I'm afraid of getting in a relationship and screwing shit up like I always manage to do.

Back to school.

My roommates sleeping right now, it's three o clock in the morning and school starts in a few days. Economics seems promising -_-'' Intro to Journalism a bit more so...not excited about that college mathematics class...and all three on the same day _-_ what was I thinking?...

Long Time

I haven't blogged in forever, but at the moment, I think I've found my interest in astrology growing again. Anything seems possible now that I'm out of High School. I can be anybody. I've enrolled at Columbia College in Chicago, majoring in Journalism, minor in photography. I couldn't be any happier with my choice. I plan on taking Japanese and other classes that can prepare me as a foreign correspondent. I want to be well rounded.

Other highlights in my life so far is my acting career. I'm in a play right now here in Chicago that will be touring in New York in the fall. It's been a crazy/stressful experience. Shows every night...praise..but the rehearsals were maddening. It's all paying off. I am going to be a volunteer/intern at a radio station starting this August working on different audio projects. I've been blessed. I can be anything. I've been doing it all. I was sad at first, but I'm happy again. The magazine is going well, but I plan on quitting it when the latest magazine gets printed. So I can focus on school and this lady at the school offered me a photojournalist position on the newspaper. Not many freshman if any get to work on the newspaper and I'm excited about that.

Now for astrology...I know I want that to be apart of my future.

Education in mind for the future:

Bachelor of Arts in Journalism (Columbia College Chicago)

Master of Science in Journalism (Columbia University)

Bachelor of Arts in Astrology (Kepler College)

Masters in Library Science (Dominican University)

Maybe get certified as a TOEFL teacher....

and I heard there was a masters program in psychoastrology if it ever gets accredited that is XD

Sounds like a lot...and debt for the rest of my life yeah? I don't want to stop going to school really..I want to be as knowledgeable as possible about many things. I want to see the world and learn more.

I want to do the JET Programme and teach English in Japan
and I want to join the Peace Corps and serve somewhere like Thailand or China
This is my dream, but I believe I can do it all. I really do believe that.

Well those are my plans and a brief update for now.

Free Agent

I've managed to cut off my hair finally, and now I'm doing the natural thing. Mom doesn't like it, but I do. It makes me feel freer. I've also decided to break up with my boyfriend. Haven't done it yet, but i've continued to start dating around. I've found out that at this point in my life, I'm just not the type to be in long term relationships, and I want my freedom. I love my freedom, and I love the drama in my life. So i'm making plans and I'm feeling more alive.

Break Up

I think I'm going to break up with my boyfriend. Twist there eh? It's not going anywhere, and I am. He's gotten stuck. I don't want to be stuck with him. I'm ready for a change..a real change.

A Proposal

This guy(born female) basically asked me to marry him, not going to get into the political nohows of it all. I told him that I would never get married, and he said I would if he asked me. I offered him a proposal. If we are still in touch when I'm thirty and I have traveled and worked off my youthful energy, I would marry him. It's a distant proposal, and what's the likely hood that it can happen? The whole idea is so romantic, and now I have something that will make me feel happy when I'm down. This proposal means more to me then he might think. It's funny because everytime we meet, I'm involved. I told him that I will promise not to be involved around that time, and we must find each other across time and space, and be together. Gosh...it sounds so romantic. Don't you think?

He said he done it before. We hadn't seen each other for a couple of years, and out of nowhere, he found me again, and I had felt so confused because I was in love with the man I am with now, and this man loves me. I'm being unfaithful, and I know it. I've been contemplating on whether or not I was going to go to Ohio to see my future fiance?, and it might spark something within me, but I have to go. I have to see where this leads, my destiny?

It's Over

Robert my old best friend...another victim to the pluto 11th house transit.

Now I really feel alone.

Birthday

Today's my 18th B-day. Never thought this day would come. Finally I'm an adult...well on paper anyway. Still can't go to 21 and over clubs or drink legally(don't drink so this doesn't influence me) but I can sign things on my own now. ^-^''

Happy B-day to me.

V-day

For the first time in my life, I have a valentine from someone other than my mother. It makes me happy to realize this. ^-^. I'm going to a sort of party at work for Valentines Day, and I'm bringing him. It's another big step for me.

Also the reason why this day is important to me is that it is a signal that my birthday is coming in three days. Febuary 17 and I'll be legal.

Pluto Transits the 11th house

Who will survive. I'm losing all my friends. Will I lose the one I care about most of all?

Robert: Lori I just feel really hurt honestly I feel like my best friend doesn't accept me for me and it makes me feel alone. like I have no one

Me: i feel alone too. and i don't know how to connect to you or anyone anymore..the only connection i allow with justin is sex, my ultimate release..i'm being selfish..basically i hate myself..and i don't know if it's a phase or what

Me: i just feel like dying and being reborn sometimes..forget everything and leave

Robert: I can kinda understand

Robert: but yeah...

Robert: I luv u but damn

Robert: I don't wanna feel like that around u all the time

Robert: I mean do I make u feel like that?

Me: I don't like anyone really anymore..i don't accept myself or my accomplishments..so how do i expect to accept or honor anyone elses..i just feel really shitty

Lori Moody: i'm cold blooded..my mom was right..i'm heartless


We got into it. I told him how I hated him, and was mad at him for so many years of caring about him and feeling like he neglected me. I was angry at him for so long, and he felt it before I realized it. It's karma. I'm suppose to suffer this with him. How can I love him, really love him, when he's so distant from me. Sexuality, expectations tears us apart, but puts us together. It's torture. I don't think I want to live through this.

Depression

I should be happy with the way everything is going. I have a great relationship with my friends and significant other, and somewhat at the moment, financial security. I even managed to get straight A's on my report card. I'm not ugly, I don't think. Even after all this and what I've accomplished, I can't stay happy, and I find myself falling back into a black hole. I can't seem to defeat it. I think the reason is the fact that I'm so involved. I'm always rushing one place or another instead of stopping and enjoying the scenery. I worry so much about getting to the place then the trip on the way there. I want to drop everything right now and just worry about homework and graduating, but I know it's not in my nature. Anyone who knows me, knows how hard it is for me to give up on anything. Just when I think I'm finished for good, I find some hidden energy, and I do this all over again. Day after day. But for what if I can't enjoy my accomplishments.

I Want To Break Shit Down and Let it Die...

...and birth something new. Ahh..why do I feel so restless?

No Worries.

Long Time

...since I've posted. I'm ready to graduate. These are my only thoughts lately so I haven't found anything interesting to write about. School's dominating my life. Finished finals, one more semester to go, and obligations to the extracurriculars. Prom and graduation arrangements. Same ol' same ol'. 

On the weekends I've been taking a Radio 101 class by the producers of 91.5 WBEZ public radio. They have a new public radio site in Chicago called Vocalo. And basically anyone can submit radio pieces or even use your cellphone to submit a message to the station. We had to sign up for accounts at vocalo.org. It's been fun, and the best class I've taken at my saturday writing class. I've found out that I have a radio voice, and everyone were commenting me on it. So I suppose I'm a bit interested in radio now, almost all forms of journalism, except news anchoring. I might actually want to do this for some time in my life. 

I've been a bit rebellious lately, and mom's been trying to kick me out the house. I'm in a constant struggle with myself about just getting out and finding my own way to support myself and college, and knowing that that's ridiculous and that I need her help more than ever. I hate that I need her, and she holds it over my head like my life line with the pair of scissors in her hand. I fucking hate her. It's wrong of me to say that? Yeah. I don't care anymore. Romantically, I'm bored again, and that's not good. Roaming eyes do no wonders. He talked about marriage which scared the shit out of me. Not cool, and I was like ready to bolt. Don't tie me down, I need lots of room to breathe. Which is paradoxical...cause we don't see each other enough as it is. One or every two weeks....and I'm torn between my desire to see him all the time or to just forget it and the strain the distance puts on us. 

Typical adolescence.

College

I've been going through the typical Senior first semester crisis and have been neglecting to post on my blog. This semester is driving me nuts, but it looks like I'm coming out allright, and as usual, I'm worrying too much about things and need to take a breather. Mom allowed me to take the day off, and she said it was about time. Now you know there's something going on when your mother says that. But it was also because I had to get a new permit since I lost the last one. I should be getting my license in April along with hopefully an acceptance to Northwestern and enough financial Aid to cover my expenses, and hopefully it's mostly grants and scholarships and less loans...This year it's all about completion and finally starting over. I can't wait to graduate. Honestly. This semester went relatively fast I suppose, but it's been stressful.

Everyone's trying to pressure me into going to prom. I never considered myself a prom person, always this sort of social outcast, and it was the one tradition I was willing to break, but I believe they convinced me. My boyfriend wants to go. He didn't say so, but I know. He was telling me how he wished he had went to his prom and got a class ring and all that. So maybe we'll go together and it'll be his first prom. I guess that means I have to start planning it. I decided I want to wear black. My mother said I was crazy and I needed more colors. But I've always felt really comfortable in that color. Representation of my morbid personality I guess. I'm also getting a class ring. I've been wanting one of those forever. It's going to be white gold. $400 dollars. Nuts. All the graduation stuff is finally catching up to me. All I've been worrying about is college and financial Aid stuff and maintaining my grades. I have a good shot at graduating with straight A's. So overall this first semester is going to be quite successful for me. I'm so tired though. I need a break. I keep thinking about all the stuff I still have to do and I keep thinking about it instead of doing it, and it's starting to drive me crazy. I'm involved in all these activities and trying to balance school. Lots of times I can sit in a place for two hours going over every task, every single thing that needed to get done and looking at my planner. Imagine a calendar with at least three things written in practically every day of the week @_@''...I try to find time for my boyfriend and he does for me too, cause he's working all these hours trying to go to college in the fall as well. We're always compromising and going a week or two without seeing each other, and it's like I have to schedule him in. It gets annoying. I just want to blow stuff off and be with him alot of times, but then my deeply inbedded responsibility gene kicks in and I tell myself no. Things will slow down by March-April...most likely April..hopefully..but then I have to study hard for AP and IB exams so I can hopefully past em with flying colors and that the college of my choice accepts the college credit in July. Blah..I have to get off and start on this homework and scholarships and stuff.

Tamed Horse

I've never wanted a romantic relationship to work as much as this one. Every day we're apart, I count the days, and almost every minute of every day, I'm thinking about him. At first, I was doing exactly what I had always done, when things got too deep, I run away. But I feel safe, and I've committed my self like I never had before. I love him so much.

I've been having a horrible week since I've been back in school. Some things got stolen from me at school, and my grades are going down. I don't know if I can get them up to the way I want them to be. I'm worried about not getting in to college, and being denied for financial aid. The pressure is building up on me, and I'm not sure if I can handle it anymore.

So I had a weak point yesterday. I broke down and retreated in the dark, under the covers, and I let the t.v. blare. White and fizzy. The volume was on 5, but it was so loud. Everything was loud. I'm seeing him today and he promises to hold me close and to always try his best to make me happy. I deserve to be happy. I can't allow my depression to ruin everything I've worked for.