Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

I spent time with my boyfriend Saturday after not seeing him for a week. We had to leave each other, and I was sad for a while.
I went to the movies with my friend later on that day, and we hung out before and went to this nice Thai restaurant that had tea lights at every table and cheerful waiters that took our orders right away. I had the pad thai and some hot tea. He had soup and another dish with rice that I've forgotten the name of. There was a long conversation about politics and global events before we went off to the movie Atonement. I always loved the way he made me think. His philosophy on life seemed familiar yet quite pessimistic. We finished the tea. He paid for it all.

There was a lot of hype about the movie getting seven golden globe nominations and all, but it stretched on and on, but by the end, it made me so sad. There wasn't really a happy ending for the lovers. They never got the time to spend together as they should before they died. My friend said, "There's no hope for real love in the world". I disagreed. People find their true love and are with them their whole life. I wanted to believe in happy endings. On our train ride home he talked about the girl of his dreams, how she didn't feel the same way for him. I thought maybe she didn't know it. He said she must know, but I just don't think she feels the same way. He said how he only wanted to be with her, no attachments, no titles. Just be together and love her, and that's all he wishes for. I was jealous of this mystery girl. Jealous that someone can love so deeply and purely. But it was all wasted, and he felt that it didn't matter if you loved someone unless they loved you in return. I understood that far too well. It hurted me to see him that way. In that moment, I wanted to love him. To show him that love can still conquer all, how it feels to be loved in return with just as much intensity. But it was forbidden. Always that wall. Obligations. I'm with him. How I love him.

I talked to my love on the phone today. We're always talking on the phone mostly, then face to face. I told him how I missed him and he wanted to see me today, but some things came up. There's always something coming up. How about tomorrow. No I'm busy, how about thursday. No...next week..I told him I was frustrated. Aren't you? The truth? Yeah I am but I try not to show it. I'm lonely when you're not here. This is a long distance relationship.
He's right. This distance. It's funny how my only successful relationships with people have been long distance or with emotionally distant people. Must be a venus twelfth house thing. I miss him like hell. Can love conquer all?

Great Russian Novels

All the variety, all the charm, all the beauty of life are made up of light and shade- Tolstoy's Anna Karenina

I've been depressed as fuck lately. All of my plans for the holidays have been in disarray. Dad was angry this weekend because of financial problems, and he took his anger out on me. Came early while I was at the Kill Hannah concert yesterday that I was enjoying greatly. I had to leave before it was over. Devastated. Just fucking devastated. This whole week, one disappointment after the next, and now it's winter break, and I'm screwed and loaded with homework and scholarship applications and blah blah. I think I might just say fuck it all and stay in bed all week reading Anna Karenina.

Winter Warmth

The magazine came out Saturday, and I was at the release party enjoying a relatively modest fame among the inner circle of young writers. There was a snow blizzard, but it was warm inside. Tea lights winked and the mahogony counter tops sparkled under the dimmed lights.

I don't have a break. Even with winter vacation coming up, they've piled on me several essays and a few books to read. So I've figured this won't be the time to lay around, but a time for me to improve my self all around. I've been laying around too long moping and hoping that things will get better with school and my mental health. I looked at my solar return chart. It explained why I'm starting to feel the way I do. Ascendant is in Cancer, moon in the first house. If there was ever a time where I wanted security in my life, it'd be now.

Letting...

Damn't I'm high strung. Can't come down from this obessiveness. I want to relax and go with the flow, but I'm fighting it still. I can feel fate laughing at me cruely. Haha. Fuck you fate!!! Fuck you!!! I need winter break to come and release me from the tension. My home life, school, friends..Deadlines, homework's due, tests...What I really want to do is lay down and absorb myself in my books or my lover's warm embrace and whisper my heart's poetry in his ear. I want poetry, I want words, I want peace...I don't want to live here anymore. The problems between my mother and I have been increasing steadily. She told me with as much contempt as she could muster that she hated me, and the very sight of me sickens her. I always thought she saw my father in me, and that's why she never liked me so. I'm so much like him that I believe that's the reason I can't get close to her, or maybe it's the fucking way she talks to me. How she can break down my resistence with a few chosen words, but she doesn't have me beat. I'll make it out. Six months left behind these cold brick walls, behind closed doors, and I'll be out for good. But first, I need to learn to not let my stress take over and let it be the only thing I think about.

A Classic Love Triangle

Turn of events, I'm involved in a classic love triangle. The person I'm with now is everything I feel like I need. We were downtown at Christmas time, seeing the lights shining merrily, and the Christmas shoppers bustling around peering into the many window displays on State street. It was cold out side, but I felt warm. We held hands the whole way, and I was the proud lioness with a trophy on my shoulder. We strolled among the crowd and they appeared to be moving out of our way as we walked down those busy streets. I felt secure.

The other person, she is my equal in everything, intellect, life experiences...It's like meeting yourself, but mature and more defined. Three years ago we had the most unforgettable summer as we hung out, side by side during a leadership conference in Atlanta. I remember the first time I met her. Saw her across the room. She stood out. The intensity of her nature drew me like butterfly to nector. She was mysterious and it intrigued me. Our eyes met, and we stared at each other for what seemed like minutes.We kissed on a starry night, and passion ran deep.

I ran away that night, fearing the intensity at a young age, slipping right past her and through her fingers. I remember her calling my name. If I had not ran, we would've stayed out past curfew and scrambled through left over puddles from the rain the day before. I remembered how we danced in the rain that day. It poured and poured, but we didn't care. We felt infinite.

On the ride to the train station, I slipped my hand into hers and laid my head on her shoulder, and we stared out the window, loathing the time we would have to say goodbye. At the airline, her plane was leaving early. We thought we would have an hour to be together for one last time and say goodbye to each other properly, but she left before I could tell her...I'll miss you. We gave each other one longing look before she was swept off down the air port among the many people with their luggages, and screaming children. I felt like I had died a little. Sure we talked a bit, but lost touch. She came back into my life just around the same time as my boyfriend had. She was the reason I had left him before, all those years. We're back together again, making it work. During one of our talks on the phone she told me to...leave him, be with me.
I can't. I promised him I wouldn't leave him again.
It's too bad, that you have two people who don't want to share you.
You've made your decision.
She sounded so sad, but I can't let her go or the possibility of what could've been if distance weren't an obstacle, if I weren't involved. I told her I hadn't. I hadn't made a decision. I love him. I love you. He told me he loved me yesterday. I was silent. Instead I asked him...do you mean it? But then I changed the subject, and he allowed me too. I feel so unfaithful. because I have feelings for two people and they both love me. I'm afraid I'll break someone's heart.

Rest and Completion

I never got a chance to say high to November properly. It slipped past me. The days blur into jumbled images. Can barely remember yesterday. I've been with him for a few days it seems, rather than a month in simple bliss, I am in love? The days are the same, and they are normal days. I was so afraid of routine, stability. He calms me, and makes me want to be faithful.

I've been prone to sleep in quite a bit lately. I get up at the sound of my alarm clock, force my self in the bathroom, the bright lights glaring down, and a temporary blindness ensues, attempt to wash my face, brush my teeth, and I'm off to school, yet another day. I'm sleeping these days away now, going through the steps of living. Laying under my warm covers melting in to feathers and no concerns. At ease finally, more than I had been since the school year started. I've finished my college applications. They're sent off, waiting for that reply sometime in January. January I'd have to decide my fate. It's been an incredible weight lifted off me. The magazine is done. I held the proofs in my hand last week, and I cradled it in my arms as a new born infant love child, as my good friend said from the magazine. It's too bad he's in rehab, I missed his wit and insightful prose poetry. I felt the pages at my fingertips. Joy. I love my job, I'm loving life. I feel like my fiery, adventerous nature has been tamed for the moment. I am fine with staying in this place for a while before I'd have the urge to move on.

Being a Woman

::rant::

I've been thinking about what's it like to be a woman. I say it's hard man! You've got certain expectations on how you should look, act, and speak. Many times I break it and I'm met with lots of protests. But you're like, Lori come on, it's the 21st century! Women have more rights then before, there's not that many expectations! Ha! I laugh at you. You raving liberals. It's not true, because still if I want to cut off my own got damn hair there's a problem or some slight negative comment about it. Or if I decided to wear a suit and a tie, I'd get many whispers behind my back. What the hell is she doing? Who cares if I cut it off? Honestly... Why should I have to go through the pain every single morning to comb it out, blow dry it, etc. It be nice and simple just to let it go.

Women will always be second class citizens. No matter how many protests or demonstrations, the majority still believes women are inferior beings who need protection, and it's everyone's fault, and many women don't do anything about it. There's a way women are suppose to look, cute with their little skirts and tight fitting shirts, or something like that... Can't blame it on the men. Too many feminists do that instead of looking at society as a whole. Women allow it, they set these norms to please because they believe that's what the men want. Who thought of the gurttle...women...who thought of foot binding...women... How can this be changed? :: shrug::

Stress Manager

So I've been thinking about what's the most constructive way for me to manage my stress. With college applications, work at the magazine, and my homework assignments weighing me down, I feel like giving it all up at this point. I've sent in my resignation at the newspaper which took off alot of stress. Oh how I hated it so!...the incompetent staff, the unsupportive editors, being underpaid...no no...I'm glad it's over. Now I have this weird way of knowing when I've pushed myself to the limit...my right foot starts to hurt, and there's this throbbing pain right in the middle that refuses to go away, and it makes it pretty hard to walk on after a while. So all week I've been limping around, hoping that I'm slowing down enough for it to go away, but the pain just keeps getting worse.

This morning my mother and I got into a fight, physical and verbal. The effect of me waking up so suddenly and having her pull me out of bed by the ends of my hair made my head hurt. I packed my shit and got the hell out of their, closing the door pretty hard in my wake. I kept thinking, only a few more months and I'm out of this joint. I told her that I was cutting off all of my hair, which I am. She kept saying how I'd look like a boy, or she'd ask me when I said I wanted to, what, you want to be some kind of dyke or something. >.<. So the reason we got into this little brawl was the fact that she blamed me for her getting a bad grade on her homework assignment, which is stupid. I'm not responsible for her, and I told her repeatedly that I couldn't do everything and always be there to help her or do her papers for her. She signed up for it, why should I be responsible. Every day I think, man I'm going to get up and change myself, be a better person, let go of the stress, but then I get all of these things thrown at me, and it seems so hard. Every got damn day. If I'm sitting around doing nothing, it makes me nervous.
I've taken to reading many more books lately starting with A Thousand Splendid Suns and a book I have to read for Lit, called The Elephant Vanishes. In one of the stories it talked about this book called Anna Karenina and I'm dying to get it. I need a good Russian romance novel in my life I think. Usually that's what I do when things get tough. I hide myself away in good books.
Maybe next week I'll improve...start back doing yoga and such...=/

What I Want and What I Need

...are two separate things of course. As human beings, we don't always know what's good for us. I'm finding out that the older I get, the more I'm about relationships and how I like to relate to other people. I'm affectionate as hell, with friends, lovers, etc. I need it I want it, I crave it. ^-^ Sometimes I don't even realize I do it and I suppose that people would say I'm some type of charmer or constant flirt, but I don't realize I do it sometimes.Must be in the astrology, and with saturn currently transitting through my 8th house, I'm finding all about my true desires and expressing and defining them.
When I saw myself, I thought, self-sufficient, independent(Double Aquarian) (Scorpio Moon)...but friendships dominate my life and I care about them a great deal, because usually if things are going well in their lives, it makes me feel whole, without it, I'm lost and don't know what to do with myself. I thought being alone is what I wanted and needed, but what I need is stable relationships and lots of love. Lots of love. I'm glad I'm getting that in waves lately. I'm very happy.

Commitment Phobe

This new relationship has just been wow, even though it's not quite so new, the history is there. I remembered how we idealized those moments where we were laughing as the weather turned warm signaling the approaching summer. I don't remember anything about what I learned in any of my classes, algebra...history..science..all lost to me or the important world events that had taken place during that time. It was just him and me that consumed my memories. Things were great, there was no fighting or arguing, just passion and this magnetic connection that kept us hooked that spring.

It was anyones guess why I left him in July and never looked back. Simply because I didn't want to be contained. I wasn't mature enough. I wanted my freedom, freedom got damn't... and to explore. I was already feeling the need to escape. He had no idea. It was over for me, even before he had a chance to be warned...

Then I met her that summer, my knight of cusp in shining armor, and I rode on the back of her wave of romantic idealistic bliss and found something grand that swept me off my feet for a while. She made me weak in the knees and gave me this falling sensation. I didn't care who saw us. I wanted to be with her. I never got a chance to run. I didn't have a chance to run , because before I knew it, we had to part ways. I was shipped back off to Chicago, and she, to Ohio where we never saw each other again, and I'd think about and imagine the moments we could've had together laying next to each other and filling that empty space in between with another human being. That's when I knew I had to leave him. We talked and had something long distance, but that faded away, and then the memory of her and that short time we had together stayed vividly in my mind and so it was the same for him. It was all I needed. During those months together between him and I, I remember everything disappearing and the months were hours and the days like minutes.

We're starting over. It's a new chapter and finally we're leaving the past behind. We laugh and play together, can talk about anything , and the physical aspect of things is A.M.A.Z.I.N.G. XD. I can't believe how we're so compatible. He makes me very very happy, even for a commitment phobe like myself, I'm in no hurry to leave. Abandoning all of my defenses, I said to him softly...
I believe I'm falling for you.

_There's an extended pause_ He seemed to be in deep thought.

Promise me you won't leave me for someone else.

I wouldn't. I won't leave you...

Can I be trusted?

Falling

I went to the Northwestern campus yesterday and fell madly in love with it. I never thought I could like a university but their was something about that ivy leaves growing elegantly along the building walls, and the womping willows lightly touching the lake that was surrounded by the university's buildings. There were college students riding their bikes to campus along the path ways. Lake Michigan is right next to the campus, and I could see the sunrise every morning from that view.
Then there were alumns that talked about programs they had to offer and some of the many three hundred clubs established at the university. Of course I was interested in Medill school of Journalism and the international studies degree. They had lots of travel abroad opportunities as well, from Paris to South Africa, and I was sold. Lots of smart kids were there. All of them seemed to have 4.0 gpas or higher with excellent test scores. I couldn't help thinking, damn, that's my competiton? Which made me feel a bit inadequete. Also the price of the place is crazy. $50,000 dollars a year with all expenses. But I love it. I really do.

Unconscious Desires

Fantasy

Breathing in his scent as we laid curled together under the warm covers made me the happiest I've been in a while. For once, I felt like staying still and not running away. My double edge sword tipped to its dull side showing silver underbelly to the world, glinting brilliantly.
The winds howled outside while the temperature read thirty degrees and declining on the local news channel, after reports on double homicides that took place on the far south side of Chicago. Leaves fell while some lost all fall colors. Their barren branches whipped and howled in the night. Winter weather. I let my desires take over, intimacy, warm hands...Warm. He became my shelter from the elements, and I've never felt more safe, and in that moment, I wanted to stay that way for as long as I could, before life began again and I'd have to say goodbye.

Reality

College

It's confusing, this college business >.<. The over achiever in me wouldn't mind going to Northwestern because it is one of the best schools, or best undergrad program in the nation for what I want to major in. The other side of me wants the freedom that comes with going to Columbia college. I've always loved the artsy vibe and interesting characters. I never did find the whole "college experience" thing intriguing. I loathed it. The sports, the fraternities...eh. If I were to get in to Northwestern, I'd know I'd go. It hurts for me to say this, that I would choose what my mind is telling me over my heart. I'm saying it's fate. Deep down, I know I should probably go the University route. It'll help me achieve something great. I'd have more resources, etc. Going to the other college really wouldn't be a bad thing, just that much harder to get and find opportunities? Stupid decisions. Maybe I'll flip a coin.

Life Path/ Numerology

Life Path Number #11/2
(Considered a Master Number in Numerology: The Spiritual Seeker)
Your purpose in this life time is to achieve enlightenment. Sometimes this is done by finding a teacher and other times it is a matter of experiencing an number of negative situations that are designed to rid you of toxic emotional connections and clear your karma. If you are a number eleven and seem to be having a rough time then keep in mind that is typical of your number to experience a life filled with mysterious losses and either very fortunate or unfortunate twists of fate.

Part of your trying experiences is the cosmos' way of pushing you into finding the spiritual awareness that you need to elevate your soul. The number 11 path is often called the Path of Extremist simply because you lead a life filled with so many highs and lows. You are often like two people. One life is your public life in which you might appear as an eccentric or unusual character and the other is your secret life, which is obsessed with finding the answers to eternal questions.

You are probably a fairly well educated person who is still looking for answers when it comes to spirituality. One of the character traits of a number 11 is to look far and wide for lofty spiritual answers when often the answer is right underneath your nose. As number 11's can be quite snobbish or proud of their status as a spiritual seeker the universe often presents them with many lessons that serve to challenge their pride. You probably don't fit into society very well and have to do a lot of pretending and acting to survive in a normal job or relationship. You have unusual tastes and may have a bohemian character that is very interested in the new and avant-garde.

Your broad-minded point of view and permissiveness with morals makes you lots of enemies and friends alike. If there is one thing that your friends find frustrating about you it is that you are a bit of a fence sitter. Your ability to see so many angles of a situation often causes you to be indecisive or not to act at all. For this reason many 11's often let opportunities in life pass them by. They are so focused on being visionaries that they forget to pay attention to small practical details. Your sharp intuition and rich understanding of both spirituality and human nature makes you the perfect spiritual counselor. Even if this is not your profession you have probably noticed that others naturally seek out your guidance and advice during a crisis.

You are a very idealistic individual and envision a world in which everyone is equal. For this reason you somewhat dislike the idea of relationships as they mean that one human should be more exclusive to you than another. One of your highest spiritual qualities is to make everyone that you meet feel like they are special and a soul mate. If you are an 11, it is also typical for the needs of your personality to be in constant conflict with the direction of your higher self. You have probably noticed that you get away with a lot less than other numbers. For instance if you do a bad deed, the resulting bad karma seems more immediate. This is because your path is a path of retribution that is about the negation of the self to allow the higher self to be divinely inspired by a higher power.

Sounds about right, smatter of fact, everything it said is true...scary O.o...Oh look at this, it's suppose to determine whether you use your left or right brain more. No matter how I look at it...it's always turning clock-wise, so I use my right brain more I guess.. Left or Right?

Lessons of the Week (Two)

Nine of / Two of / Six of / The / Knight of /Eight of / Seven of
Pentacles / Swords / Pentacles/ Sun / Pentacles /Wands / Swords

This week, the cards were encouraging me to continue to pursue my goals and warning me that it'll take time to accomplish them and the first step's the hardest. So here I am, I have alot of goals, and I just need to start on them today.

Writer's Conference

I went to a writer's conference today at Columbia College that inspired me immensely. The teachers were awesome. They were the same ones who taught at my writing class on the north side, and I just felt very happy and comfortable throughout the whole day. The writer and the guest speaker, Audrey Neffengger of The Time Traveler's Wife, was got damn amazing, and she had this sort of airy creative vibe about her. Just awesome.

So I have a free write from one of the workshops at the conference. It's micro-fiction (less then 400 word story). It's suppose to only give you a glimpse and it's up to the reader to interpret the abstracts. The theme was to pick an event/story about a time when you were a hero or did something heroic, so it kind of evolved in to this thing about my past and the current situation with the ex, or now erm..whatever. (See last two weeks posts)Enjoy.

Her heart beats words that are hard to vocalize.
"Hello"
"Hi"
...As shoulders brush briefly. Side ward glances as cars drive by on the 4 way express lane. People pass not noticing. The sun burns red and their is only a brief moment where crimson glows and the longing of late night embraces stay in her mind. The cars during rush hour speed down Pulaski,not noticing brushed shoulders and flushed cheeks. There is another. Unspoken words linger in the air untouched. The sun sets and the man is alone watching falling stars.

Was I a hero? Hah...maybe I thought so at the time or at least, I thought I was doing the right thing. But that went to waste after what was in her(my mind) manifested one night, and the other found out, I guess I turned out as the bad guy. Questions? Comments? What do you think's happening in the story?

One More Time

He came over dressed in black, mysterious nature, exuding and animal magnetism that made the world stand up and take notice. Tight embraces, and soft butterfly kisses on exposed flesh made body squirm raging home wars inside body's pressure cooker, threatening to pop...hands everywhere, fingers entwined...Shirts laid scattered dead like soldiers of lost battles. My battle of resistance lost. Overwhelming heat bakes interlaced bodies and sensual moments ignite fireworks..

Calm.

In his arms, doubts creeped in, fingers gently caressing, intense gaze stare into my lost eyes, made me forget once more why I decided to run away.

I'm trying this again one more time.

I'll Burn...Burn... baby burn.

Merry-Go-Round

What the fuck man...So he called me today. I went to sleep practically all day, but I heard his voicemail. He told me that him and and his ex were really through and decided to just be friends and whatever. Fuck him man. Seriously. Once again when I was seriously getting over him, and he wants to pull this shit. Kiss my ass.

What should I do?

Tears Dry on Their Own

When there's so many bigger things at hand
We could've never had it all
We had to hit a wall
So this is inevitable withdrawal
Even if I stop wanting you and perspective pushes through
I'll be some next man's other woman soon
I shouldn't play myself again
I Should just be my own best friend.
Not fuck myself in the head with stupid men
He walks away the sun goes down
He takes the day but I'm grown
And in your way,
In this blue shade
My tears dry on their own
So we are history
Your shadow covers me
The sky above A blaze
He walks away the sun goes down
He takes the day but I'm grown
And in your wayIn this blue shade
My tears dry on their own
I wish I could say no regrets
And no emotional debts
cause as we kiss goodbye the sun sets
So we are history
A shadow covers me
The sky above a blazeThat only lovers see
He walks away the sun goes down
He takes the day but I'm grown
And in your wayMy blue shade
My tears dry on their own
He walks away the sun goes down
He takes the day but I am grown
And in your wayMy deep shade
My tears dry on their own
He walks away the sun goes down
He takes the day but I'm grownAnd in your way
My deep shade
My tears dry
-Amy Winehouse

I'm done with the current situation. I'm moving on finally.

Meditation to Self Improvement

So I've decided to try meditation again and stick with it. I just went out to purchase a book on it with an audio cd. I'm feeling the need to improve my self and get rid of much of my emotional baggage that's making me feel stuck. Lots of drama lately.

Lessons of the Week (One)

(Monday) Six of Swords

Moving On.

(Tuesday) Seven of Pentacles

Reaping the rewards for hard work. (It's about to pay off)

(Wednesday) Three of Wands

Looking forward to the future. Opportunities await.

(Thursday) IX The Hermit

(Self Reflection)

(Friday) XVIII The Moon

Hidden Desires. Secret Enemies.

(Saturday) King of Pentacles

Material Things.

(Sunday) Page of Cups

Finding your muse.

Truth Sayers

Things were found out today, that shocked me greatly. The ex of mines who broke my heart told his ex girlfriend about the friday night we had our little passionate escapade. He told her the day after, because she had came over to work things out, and she wanted him to be honest. So it explains the way she's been acting around me. I sensed it before my friend told me what she said, and she just wanted to talk to me. She wanted th truth. So we did, and parted on good terms. She was tired of the lies. She wanted to end things after everything came out to light. Which was scary, so I did the only thing I knew best. Laugh, and I laughed pretty hard at the situation. It reminded me of those talk shows or something where the man sleeps with his wife's sister or something. We were mere acquaintances, nothing more, but the similarity between us was startling. I ended up talking to the ex after I talked to her. I told him how I wasn't mad anymore, and I understood why he told me about working out the problems in his life. I felt it was my destiny to live through this, and live through the troubles, I said to him. I needed to figure out what I wanted. But then...he told me...

I didn't regret what happened between us, and never did.

I'm back at square one. Am I stupid? I think so. After years of knowing each other, the flame just refuses to be extinguished.

Past Patterns

People from the past whom I was romantically involved with keep coming back in my life. It's karma. I left so many loose ends and it's almost like they came to tie up those loose ends. Each one, when they reeneter my life, stir up these strong feelings with in me, and I'm thrust right back into the past and what made everthing so wonderful. I have a romantic soul more than I care to admit.

So this person I had a relationship with in the past Imed me yesterday. This is not long after I just ended it with another ex which didn't get anywhere. She made me want to be with her again, in her arms. I still remember the kiss we shared and me running away, not being able to say goodbye to her at the airport. She went back to where she lived that summer and I returned home. We talked, she's involved, but she wanted to see me, start something new. A problem with her current love, which sounds eerily familiar from the other ex who broke my heart. Haven't I learned anything? But I want this, I must admit. I think I need to relive the past so I can move on. I need to move on. Move on.

Discovering Lessons

I've resulted to drawing one tarot card a day and meditating on the lesson it has to teach me. Today was the seven of pentacles, hard work coming to completion and reaping rewards. I got paid from the magazine and my teacher wants to submit my documentary I'm working on into a competition, because he said it was turning out really good and it's excellent work. ::smiles::

So I've been thinking about the heartbreaker, and it's taking all of my willpower to stay away. There's something unfinished that's making me uneasy, and I just want to hear him say, I don't want to see you again, even though it was me that cut him off. It should be final, and we should both be in agreement about the end of things. I'm at a place where I can think rationally. Even after all that happened, I still want us to be friends if only that. I can't handle separating from another person at this point. I need healthy relationships around me to feel whole.

Recently I broke up with my child hood best friend of almost nine years about three weeks ago, and I'm still healing. Another breakup will do me in. Probably not, I'm made of tougher stuff, but I've been a passive ass person lately. I feel the need to be shaped again, and with all these decisions about college and all that, it's to the point where I want someone to tell me where to go and when to do my homework. I'm tired of deciding, I really just want to lay in bed and not think about anything. I've still got months to summer, my freedom days.

Mercury is retrograde in Libra, bringing with it a need to evaluate and discuss past relationships. Today might be a good day to do just that.

Fortunate

Today I feel fortunate, I'm putting somethings behind me and not turning back. Transit. Sun trine Sun until tomorrow. Pretty damn good. I've got opportunities of a life time. I might get the chance to get accepted to Northwestern University, one of the best schools for an undergrad in journalism, because of the connections I've made. I'm scared of the place though, and what if I don't like it? Truly my heart belonged to Columbia College. This weekend and today I was up and the campus, and everything just seemed so beautiful. Dad told me, "This feels like you." I agreed with him for a while, so now I'm not sure anymore.
Today I taught a blog workshop to professional journalists for the McCormick Foundation. Got damn was it beneficial! I got a chance to meet the editor of the San Franciso Chronicle and other big time newspaper employees. One lady wanted to give me an internship over the summer, and guaranteed that she'd pull strings to get it for me. Others were pouring all over me with their business cards saying that they'd offer me a place in their newspapers when I graduate from college. This really feels like it was destined. I am positively sure that this is what I should be doing for the rest of my life. I've never been this sure before.

Also, I met a freshman from my high school at this blog workshop. I never knew he attended my high school, but he's freagin amazing. Our likes and such were so similar and we didn't want to part from each other when the bus stopped. I really feel like its a blessing I met him, and now I have a new best friend to replace the old. I want to hang out with him alot more. The thing is that he's moving to gawd knows where in Illinois, and I don't have a very long time to hang with him. So we'll see. I think it's a start of a beautiful friendship. Overall a beneficial day.

I'm happy.

Waiting in the Rain

He left my house yesterday, while the winds were howling and a storm was about to set in. On a cold bus stop in the city while the street lights glared down, he picked up his phone. Called. No answer. Voice mail. I'm so sorry, I never meant to break your heart. He says. rambles on. The rain comes, those who look on as the cars drive by can't tell whether its rain or tears that hit his face in the darkness.

Saves message.

I'm stupid...

Erased Memories

I'm deleting his number from my phone right now.

Shit.. that was hard.

Now, delete everytime he called you...

::looks at option::

erase all...

times dialed...

erase that shit too.

I don't think I'll open up to anyone else ever again.
Over the years it was expected, the mere heat of us getting together burned up all the air in a room. I knew that if we were alone, all bets were off. I wouldn't be able to resist, and I tried. I thought about dead naked grandmas for gawd sakes, but the tension was just too much. One thing led to another. He regretted it. I opened up a part of myself, and it wasn't enough. As he got up and I opened the door for him, he gave me one last desolate look. I stared back willing myself to be swayed. His eyes told me he was sorry. It wasn't enough. I looked back at him, steely eyed. Closed the door in his face, like the heart I had chosen to show that day.

It's over.

Karma's a bitch.

Trees

Have you heard that there are only two main things humans do?

Grow and Die.

Once you're done growing (In your 20s), you start dying slowly until one day disease or time takes you away. Like a tree continues upward for years until it stops, and the leaves begin to fall and the bark dries up, then the tree is only a hollow of what it use to be. The granduer, the display of brilliant green leaves, disenigrate. Is that all to life?

Live to die, and dying to live?

Comment?

Fire

I'm about to commit a crime. The other woman, foul. I want to, the danger of it, the secretiveness of a hidden love affair...it intrigues me like nothing else. I can feel the fire igniting, and burning and the red attracts me as a moth is to the light. I might burn if I get to close, but I think that's a risk I'm willing to take...

Later today...

But impulsive actions must be impulsive, and given a day to think about an impulsive act defeats the purpose entirely. The flame dims, not meant to be, and one lost in a fantasy.

Concluded.

Anniversary

Today reminds of the moment when I met my destiny and how I floated so fucking high that I got stuck up there somewhere in time, when the leaves begin to fall and the weather cools. Late nights and whispered conversations under plastic glow in the dark stars that, for an instant, reminded me of the night sky. How I wished upon those plastic stars hoping that the moment would last, and how time ended up being my worst enemy. There was something so innocent and true about those times where two souls meet. The embraces, the moldings of two bodies where one is lost in the other, not knowing which thought is whose. Have you ever had a moment where there are no thoughts in your head, you feel intoxicated and surreal. This is Magic. True Magic.

Happy 3rd Anniversary.

Disney Lied to Me About Those Happy Fairytale Endings

The Shit has really hit the fan, and now I'm losing my mind. Seriously.

Well I feel like my life is one big hurricane drowning everyone around me. Most days I want to lay in bed and never get up. I brought every one's mood down with my depressive state, and as a gift to my Comic class, I wrote a sad children's story. It was about a little girl who loved to swim like the fishes. She would imagine herself as if she were a little mermaid and could speak the magical language of fishes. She loves the color blue because it reminds her of the sky and the sea that she loves so much. As she gets older, she starts loving the color black more and soon she wears no more blue. She's grown up and her magical world only known to children, is gone forever more.

I was a jerk for that I know. But then this one guy today during class told me the true Little Mermaid story. Oh, how I was disillusioned! By the end of the fairy tale the prince doesn't marry the little mermaid but marries someone else, she kills her self, and the evil witch murders her father. Morbid...I've become very interested in fairy tales now.

Speaking of disillusionment, comic books are sad things. That's my conclusion, and I'll argue this until my dying day to anyone who would disagree with me. I have an all new take on comic books from this class and they all have some sad thing about them. Like for instance, Ghost World, oh my gawd, so fucking sad. It reminded me of a recent break up I had with my best friend of eight years. It was time, just like it was time in Ghost World. It's in my nature for me to want friends to remain so, I have a history of holding on to bad friendships cause I'm afraid I can't do any better. How backwards am I to value friendships over romantic relationships? I could care less right now. I just feel sad in general. Been thinking about college, and I'm tired of thinking about it. People pressuring me to choose other colleges. You can do so much better than Columbia...why don't you try a University, Ivy League. They don't care about what I truly want. I want to go to a college where I can spread my wings and meet new people. I hate academics. Send me off to an art college. I'm worried about how I'm going to pay for it. All of this is making me wish I were six again and none of this crap mattered. Those were simpler days. I miss my magical world. The real one is getting on my nerves.

I'm coming to terms with the fact that I hate writing poetry. It's just not for me. I can't force myself. I'm a part time writer. I write when I feel like it. Don't know if that makes me less of a writer or what. I enjoy reading more, I like the conciseness of a journalistic piece. I find that alot of times I want to get to the hard cold facts and fuck the imagery fluffy shit. I want to shock and upset people with the truth. I think. I think...I think...tooo much. Don't know what to do with my life anymore. My best friend is moving farther away from me I fear. We were the closest we've ever been in a while this week. I want to stick with him, go to the same college, live together. I don't want to part with him. I feel like I'll fall apart if one more thing changes.

Dad said losing your mind or having a nervous breakdown is to die while still dwelling here on earth. Do you agree?

Depression

I don't know why I keep having these highs and lows. Right now I feel like dropping out of school and standing in front of a CTA bus so they can run me over, and hopefully back up and run me over a few more times.

Post at a later date...

Stronger

It's one of those rare days. I felt good and oozed sweet honeyed confidence that made heads turn, because I believed in that moment that I was something special and it showed. In that moment I glowed golden.

Today I thought about everything I've done up until now, and I'm so damn proud of myself. Things turned out as good as they could ever have. It was like the sun was shining just for me. No rising moons. Articles at the magazine are done earlier then the final deadline, and my editor loved them all, no more edits, and I have the best got damn school schedule ever which consists of:
World Lit
20th Century History
Psychology
Photography
Desktop Publishing
and Yearbook
I start my poetry and chapbook class saturday at this organization called Young Chicago Authors. Fucking great place with amazing writers who's shit is even better than most of the other crap that gets published out there. I'm happy that's starting again because this communityof artists support and nuture each other, and you can't help but grow . This place is like my home away from home. I'm there at least twice a week whether it be for the open mics, the magazine meetings, or the writing classes. I'm doing all of these things and it's sad that it's taken me a while to realize how great I've been. (sounds cocky). I don't give a fuck. At the age of seventeen, I've already accomplished many of my goals, to become a writer(and I get paid for it). I've been in a professional theatre production, taken free art classes, completed a few documetaries...and the list goes on... I'm in a community of like minded creative individuals who can hold an intelligent conversation, and amazing friends where I have the most magical moments with that many would say are only told in stories. Why shouldn't I be happy? I'm at the crossroads, between adolescence and adulthood, and I can feel things are changing. My attitude towards life, how I carry myself...I'm a got damn individual! I'm more sure of myself then I've ever been before. Me acknowledging all of this, becoming aware of the unconscious, my doubts and fears is making me stronger.

No Control/Random Ramblings

So it has come to my attention that I get off on controlling people. Not consciously. I do it in subtle and hidden ways. Alot of times I don't realize I'm doing it. I'd say or do something hoping that I can make this person say what I want them to say. It's there life right? I shall detach and stay away.
This year's focus was about control, or the lesson that I need to learn to go with the flow. The flow...which I can't go. Instead I'm a stubborn person, rock solid to the core. Hard and colorless. I boast about being liberal and accepting. Instead I'm a person who holds far out opinions and sticks with them and loathe the other person if they don't agree with my viewpoints. I think I've learned a lesson, why the shit in my life is going wrong. I'm trying to control the situation and receive the things I want, and the universe is constantly denying me these things. Maybe because it really isn't what I need. I think in the end that I've gone a bit crazy. I talk to myself a bit more now adays, and the weird thing is that I don't realize that I'm saying these things. I don't mean hearing voices, but just overthinking to the point where I'm saying my daily schedule over and over again, trying to gain some sort of answer to why the hell am I getting my self involved in all of this shit. I swear I'm going to have an ulcers by the time that I'm twenty-one. Sleep means nothing to me, my dreams are as clear as they ever were when I do sleep. Insomnia runs my life nowadays. It's like my brain has this leaky faucet I can't turn off and I keep thinking these deep random ass thoughts. I have whole conversations and debates, and by the time I reach some sort of conclusion, the sun has risen and it's time for me to get up and face the next fucking day talking to myself about the things I need to do that day. And it goes on and on...Every got damn day...

Irrational Anger

I don't know what's up with me lately. I can't relax. Since this weekend I've been thinking about the upcoming months and how this year is my last. I should make it count. No more high school...it's all over, college...making my own decisions... and thinking about it irritates me. Senioritis already.
My mother started school again to get her masters. She had me helping her with it all yesterday, and I kept thinking there is no way in hell I'm going to help you when I have my own shit to deal with this year.
All of my other plans got cancelled yesterday, and Robert cancelled on me today. I had planned to go out and spend one of the last days of my break with him, but that went to shit. It's been like that for weeks now. Can't talk to anyone, and I'm feeling cut off from the world. After Robert cancelled on me, I called around to see if someone else could come out with me. No one could for lack of money/time, except this one girl and we hung out at the book store. Got a few CD's from her, and now I'm stuck here trying to get my life back together and my mind mentally focused on the tasks at hand.

Lightening Sparks, Flame Ignited

After a long night I decided to stay at home on Wednesday and replenish my energies. What happened Tuesday night still dazed me, and by that night I was glad I stayed at home, because I needed my emotional energy for other things. My brother broke up with his long time girlfriend and he was about ready to kill himself. He threatened to do this several times in his life and I knew that it could be serious. I stayed up with him the whole night while my mother kept making insensitive remarks about how he's stupid and not a real man because he's crying over some girl. I wanted to strike her or magically make my brother deaf until she went away so he wouldn't let her comments build up on him. I remember the lightening that night and how everyone seemed agitated by the constant downpours and tornado warnings in Chicago this whole August.

Threesome

Since my theatre performance debut last Thursday, I've been hanging out with Josh and Chyna almost non stop, spending all of my time with them, and forgetting about my prior obligations. I went to work at the magazine yesterday, and I seriously thought about ditching it to hang out with the two of them. It didn't help that the magazine told me that I had to redo my whole article and have it turned in by the end of this week. It's the deadline, we need it As.Soon.As.Possible.

Josh's band had practice, but just like at work, alot of people didn't bother to show up, and it ended early. They decided to come over my house and go skateboarding. I rushed home as fast as the chicago public transit would allow...which isn't saying much...and got there just as the sun set. We stayed out in the heat for an hour fooling around while Josh showed off on the skateboard. I decided to be spontaneous... Hey lets go swimming. None of us had a swim suit and practically fully clothed, we jumped in the water not caring or thinking about what any one thought about our half nude nightly swim. We played Japan vs. U.S. in the swimming pool and declared war on each other. Heads went under in the pool that night, lost more water than if it had a large hole in it's side . The temperature started to drop and the nightly blood suckers were coming out to play. We came in the house and fixed pizza and hot chocolate, and changed in my room. Chyna and Josh decided to spend the night and after a particular jam session with the Eon Skye(my guitar) and me and Chyna's singing...far away from perfect, We got under the covers and cuddled up and talked about our past.

The lights went off.

Truth or dare. Dare. Find the g-spot. Truth or Dare. Truth. How many men were you with? Three. Chyna was the first to ask. Ever had a threesome? I looked at her in the dark, I could only make out her sillhouette faintly, but not the look on her face. Was she serious? One thing led to another. I felt a bit awkward. This was my best friend... I remember, lips, hands, everyone interwined. I can't do it. Chyna: come on. She kissed me, grabbed my hair, and then I felt Josh's lips on my own.

I tried to clear everything out of my head. I didn't know these people. I kept repeating that in my mind. Without hesitation..Chyna and Josh went all the way. The night's magic enchanted us, blinding our senses. We catered to Chyna's needs. I suppose it was always what she wanted, to experiment with both a female and male lover. She was the star, and enjoyed every minute of it. Thoughts were running through my head...this is my best friend, I only like Josh as a friend...why is this happening... Then it was over. We talked. Chyna, about her past lovers, me and Josh on how we saw each other as family. We talked as if threesomes happened everyday. I suppose it had to happen. In the end, I wasn't suprised at all, Just felt a bit guilty.

Rock Star

Today was an amazing day that went wrong. It was raining and I sat over my best friend Chyna's house downloading music while she took a shower. We had decided to go over Josh's, the rock star's house. I bought a guitar from her. It's mine now and I'm setting out to learn the chords and things. I remember when I had a guitar, it broke after a particularly violent fight with my brother. This one I'm naming Eon Sky. No gender. Just my new baby. I'm particularly fond of it now, and it's not going anywhere.
Josh's house was magical, the whole affect of it made me dizzy and his white x-mas lights hanging on the wall seemed to wink down on me, welcoming me into his domain. It was a small room with big things, and hardly no room to move in. His walls, well most of them were covered with posters from different bands, including a giant Kurt Cobain poster on one side of the wall. He has twenty gigabytes of music on his computer and that isn't even all of it. He played songs from Sonic Youth, Tiger Army, and various other bands. The moment we got there, Chyna and I took over the bed. We set around, joking and Josh played Eon Sky. Then it was Josh and Chyna's idea to get some good booze. I said no. They said..

"Come on" "Live a little".

It took all of my willpower to keep saying no. Peer pressures a bitch. They got the liquor, and Josh was an expert at it, and he lighted a cigarette after his drink. Chyna on the other hand, got tipsy really fast...and then full on out drunk. It was funny for a while seeing her acting all woozy and saying weird things. This girl had never really drunk anything, and tried drinking on very disconnected times in her life. I remember, more music, feeling sleepy. I felt like I was absorbing the mood in the room. I only remembered faintly that I was hungry, after only having a bag of chips and a pop this morning.

It got a bit crazy, soon all of us were laying in the same bed. Chyna was being aggressive, thoughts of her boyfriend, far from her memory. It was fun, all a joke. more music. I felt woozy. Then I could tell that it was starting to wear off. She had two shots, and it was a couple of hours ago since she had drunk. The music. Daft Punk started up and Chyna began dancing. She's hypnotic, had Josh's and my attention. She made it sexual...it wasn't suppose to be like that. We were having fun, joking...music...and she started dancing on him. It was hot. I felt aware. Too hot. She made it sexual. I didn't want to be apart of it. He left the room to light a cigarette and calm himself down, Chyna went with him. I packed. Looked around for my things, Eon Sky. They came back, not holding, but I had an idea of what might've happened out there. They asked me to stay
. Chyna with her guilt trip.."You always leave me"

Josh.."I hardly ever see you, just chill, and I already said I'd take you home".

Me..."No I'm a big girl, I can go home by myself, I wanted to see if my friend was online, I haven't talked to him in a while, I just want to go home. No I'm not mad".

Chyna..."If Robert asked you to stay you would".

Me..."Yeah.. I probably would stay".

Josh..."I'm just like Robert, I want you to stay so you should listen to me".

Me..."You're not Robert".

Josh..."What's the difference? He's gay and I'm not"...

Me inside my head.."He is so much like him, his eyes, everything, it's just too much"

I left, not looking back, in the rain, by myself. Thinking..it wasn't suppose to be like this. I told him I'd call. He kept trying to look me in the eye and read me.. I let him look...you know what the secret to being a good liar is?

You have to believe in the lie, even if just a little and no one will know what's the truth if you will it so.

Theatre and City Lights

These last two days were one of the most memorable this year. I had orientation at my school. The last orientation I would have there before graduating. I wasn't excited, but dreaded it. My best friend Chyna decided to come with me and we hung out around the school, and everyone kept asking me, is she new here? My friend is beautiful in this off beat sort of way and it always gets the attention of those around her. When Robert, Chyna, and me were at the train station these group of guys went up the stairs and were staring and tried to talk to us. I hate that more than anything, when a guy does that, makes me feel like a piece of meat. Robert screamed up to them "She's not available". I found that very funny.
At practice we were on top of things, we worked our asses off until we were tired as hell, and then we sat around for the show. Robert was getting nervous and I got more excited as time went on. The play was just so damn beautiful...We staged a die in to show how things were in the 80s during the AIDS out break, and the dancing, and the HIV stories...we got a standing ovation. Then our director came up to us and said, "You're the best cast we've ever had, and you don't know how much you've changed my life with your performances." And other people kept coming up to us and saying how great we did. My head started to swell, but then I got all modest. I was like, "it's nothing"...

The next day we got back there to practice for another show, and this one had to be better than the last. Since the first one was the rougher version and this show had to be more polished. So our director cut some scenes...shorted some lines, and one of my friends(poor guy) was forced to memorize five index cards that had a shit load of writing on them by the time of the show. I thought practice was horrible..we couldn't concentrate, and we kept laughing at about everything. One good thing happened though. Since Tuesday me and this girl named Bre have been around each other. She's spontaneous and very affectionate. Everytime she put her hands around me, I thought I'd just die, and it helps that she can sing, which she did to me a couple of times. Before the show began that night, she lifted up my chin and kissed me behind those black curtains and blue dimmed lights. Ah..just thinking about it, gives me chills. So we were on again, and this time, about ten of my friends came to see me. So it was a bit harder for me to concentrate, but I did. Once again standing ovation, and then me and friends went on a night out on the town.

Now usually this would evoke a sense that we went to a party and got drunk and hooked up with someone, but it was the complete opposite. We were like little kids. We walked around at night, and past clubs, and went to the park on the north side with big cherry and blueberry flavored slushies. We ran around the park, got on swings, and tried our luck at the monkey bars. This is very weird seeing that we're ranging from ages 17-20. My friend Chyna's a fiesty one and she almost got into a fight with a lady in her apartment, because she told us to get the fuck away from her window. Walking down Halsted, the gayest street in Chicago, past rainbow flags and M-to-F transsexuals with slinky red and black dresses on, we went at got icecream from Baskin Robbins. It was so good, the caramel and the cookie dough ice cream melted in my mouth. We attempted to go to the arcade, but none of us had ID to prove that we were not underage..which is stupid, because I believe we look it. Oh well..

So all of us got on the train and talked about music. Robert and Chyna got off on the stop before me and my friend Josh. Josh decided to take me home. It was ten minutes til two before we got there, and we talked about past lovers, our interest, finding it hard to get a lover who wants to talk about art and music, things we loved. I always thought Josh was a bit too cool to hang out with me, since I first met him my freshman year. He was this black rocker type, easy going attitute, knew how to play the guitar and was in a band, and a damn good artist. He was so good in fact that he got a full ride to the Art Institute of Chicago. We talked about going skateboarding Sunday and swapping music. Overall these two days were pretty great, today is one of those lie around and gather my bearings before I have to go do other things like meditation classes tomorrow.

Change

A while ago I remember dreaming about a bat. This symbolizes transformation and change, something I've been going through at the moment. Things are starting to fall into place, and life is great, at least for today. Remember the broken vase? Well I've managed to put it back together again, but with lots of bits left out as usual. Things are as they were, even though I know I'll suffer for not letting go, I shall hang on for a long time. I looked into his eyes and found that soul I relate to so well. It filled me with joy and a little sorrow to know that I was allowing myself to be bound tightly again.

Spotlight with Sam Cooke

Today was almost a bad day. I woke up late to rehearsals and told them I'd be two hours late, a bird nearly shitted on my head, and two busses passed me at the bus stop, but luckily there was another bus right behind it five minutes away. By the time I got there, the director was both homicidal and suicidal. She got so frustrated at one point that she threw her herbal tea for tension and stress right at a guy's head. It all seemed very amusing after having a fitful three hours of sleep dreaming about tarot cards. Some people started taking naps on the back stage, and I was one of them, laying on that cold, dark, and dirty stage floor behing the black curtains. I kept laughing at odd moments and talking to myself. I suppose that's how it works after an eight hour rehearsal session. We have two shows this week, Wednesday and Thursday, and I think we've got our shit together, but it's iffy at best and I'm not looking forward to waking up at six in the morning to have another eight to ten hour rehearsal session. But I have a confession to make, I love it. I love being on that stage and according to the director, I'm a natural. The spotlight nearly blinds me but it's exhilirating. The play is pretty depressing though. It's about HIV/AIDs and the difficulties of coming out about having it. That Sam Cooke song(which is the theme song of the play) gives me goose bumps every time I hear it.

During rehearsals I started to think about the fucked up relationships I have with my friends, and how now, everytime I have a tarot reading I'm represented as the eight of swords, a woman blindfolded and bound with swords around her and a dying river below her feet. I'm so stuck and lack clarity in every situation, and it's hard to take off that blindfold and losen the ropes that bind me. That song.."A Change is Gonna Come", I hoped with all of my heart today behind those black curtains that change would come, where one day I wouldn't be the eight of swords, maybe become the page of hearts like my best friend, and have a more open heart. I hoped that I could stand on my own two feet and be the woman I've always wanted to be.

I was born by the river in a little tent
Oh and just like the river I've been running ever since
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will
It's been too hard living but I'm afraid to die
Cause I don't know what's up there beyond the sky
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will
I go to the movie and I go downtown somebody keep telling me don't hang around
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will
Then I go to my brother
And I say brother help me please
But he winds up knocking me
Back down on my knees Ohhhhhhhhh.....
There been times that I thought I couldn't last for long
But now I think I'm able to carry on
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will

-Sam Cooke

Ancestors of Fire

Today I got to thinking about my family, and how I can learn how I ended up the way I am by looking at them. I hate and admire my mother. She has this hypnotic power over me that I try to break, but everytime I go running back with my tail between my legs. She's going through what I'd call a midlife crisis. I think she fears getting old even though I still think she's beautiful in a fiery sort of way and the temper to match. She tries to be younger, getting tattoos, nose piercings, and I fuss and complain, as if I were the parent trying to talk some sense into my wily teen. My mother is flawed, as human beings we all are. I try to study her, see where she's coming from and why the hell she has these unexpected outbursts. The fact of the matter is that...my mother is just plain unpredictable. Her anger can come out of nowhere and just as soon disappear just as fast as it came. It gets way too tiredsom trying to keep up with her. No matter how much she brags and tries to be "hip" I know she's still inflexible and has set principles, and she'd never accept me or what I believe in. This I am sure, and we will never be able to get along.

My dad is magnetic and regal and very creative. I've always thought of him as the sun in my universe, but he's a secretive man. Sometimes I find him keeping little silly secrets from me. I had realized by the time that I was fifteen, that Ididn't know a damn thing about my father, only my idealized version of him. I depended on him for stability. I never thought my mother was with her crazy mood swings. Turns out he was the self destructive type, not kind to himself. He did drugs just like the crazy artists/musicians in his family, and was on a dangerous road. He claims that when he had a near death experience(someone pointed a gun at his head, but the guy let him go) he decided to change his life forever. He's been at it for twenty something years now...never set out for what he really wanted to do. He was a cab driver working shitty hours and then became a janitor at a hospital...he wanted to sing. He still does. I remember my child hood and him singing in the morning, the sun casting a glow over him as if he were some sanitly being, and his voice was the gift of angels, but that was in the past. After he "found the light" he also found religion and became obessed with "god's word". I never got to much in it myself even when he had me go to church with him. At an early age I mistrusted it, and as a little girl I thought adults were a bunch of hypocrits. Dad had a blindspot for me, after a while he let me find my own path, and didn't make me go on his new religious journey with him. After I found out that I didn't know much about my father I set out on a quest to learn everything there was to learn about him, hoping that in some way, I could find out about myself in return. I was his favorite he would tell me later in my life, and the one being that kept him coming home everynight.

My mother and father had silent wars. They tried to keep it down behind closed doors, but always failing to hide what was really going on. I still remember a particularly violent fight between them when I was four. That year is one of the most memorable years of my life. I say that because I seem to remember it very well, more than other years during my childhood, which are a bit blurry at best. I don't think my mother ever forgave him for leaving her, and I remember quite vivdidly when she got angry at me and yelled "he left you as well"...I can't tell you how much that hurted me. She saw my dad in me. I took after him, his looks, interest in the arts, and secretiveness. I hid everything from her because I knew my mother. She was the type to let out things to the world whether the world wanted to hear it or not. Good ol mother...she knew how to say things well...Her wit cut invisible slits in my bones. No matter how much I guarded myself from her, she could always get to me. Her mother was the same way..and the cycle continues...Ah my grandmother...she loves me for some strange reason..even when I mess up bad and am not a "good christian" in her eyes..just like my father..a blind spot. She had a full scholarship to the Art Institute when she was twenty-one...a grand feat for an african american woman. Her talent was tremendous, but she gave it up to have a family. I loathed that story everytime I hear it. My grandmother could've been free, but over time she stopped drawing. I feel like I have a family who are losers. They give up what they truly wanted most, except my mother. She worked her ass off to be a nurse. Unlike my grandmother and father, she loved math and science and was interested in the human body. She had to be tough, but she lost her patience and she gives none of her children any, even when my brother was diagnosed with ADHD at a young age. He was the troublemaker. He dropped out of school, hung out in the streets, but he had a literary gift. I believe he still writes once in a while. I'd have to say my brother is one of the most sensitive assholes I know. One time when my mother was being oh so cruel..she said, "your brother has no brains, and you have no heart". Well here I am now, I would say I can be a bit cold, but I have some fire in me? I have no planets in the fire sign, but I was surrounded by fire sign individuals...is that why I can't seem to connect to them?

Lonely Night

I'm starting to sound like some badly written emo song.

The other day's practice went pretty bad for me. My mind wasn't in it. I was charming, sure, and everyone gravitated toward me but I believe I was concealing my anger very well. He was at practice again. Every time I see him I just want to go the other way and I tried to silently repel him away. I think he brings out the overly dramatic martyr in me. I wanted to be strong and keep a smile on my face but it was fading slowly as the day went by. Three hours of rehearsal felt like a lifetime of pain. I was looking at the stars last night and I thought, man if I could be up there and not down here. I'm lonely as hell. Bitter and got damn lonely. I'm a fool for giving my heart to those fuckers that don't deserve it.
I had the weirdest dream two nights ago. A girl I know named Deja appeared in my dreams, except that she was two people. I remember hanging out with a group and we went into this store and this lady who looked just like Deja didn't want my friend to buy this hat, I think it was red. I was like "fine I don't want your damn hat anyway". She gave me a hard look and said something and I remember apologizing to her. Then she said she would give us a psychic reading. I went in and she examined me with her eyes. She came really close to my face and seemed to be peering into my soul. And she started pressing harder and harder. I held on even though the pressure was getting a bit too much for me. But then something broke, and she seemed to be in, and then pleased, let me go. She said, "You were the one that lasted the longest". I don't remember too much after that but that I looked back and walked out with the group and the other Deja. I don't have the slightest idea what that dream means, but I remember before that night I was having the most extraordinary day. I seemed to be having some kind of visions, and predicted that I'd see two people that I haven't seen in a while, and the color of my friend's shirt. Strange Nights.

Tornado Warning

There was a tornado warning today. This is very strange you see, since I live in the city of Chicago. There hasn't been one I believe since this area was mostly rural..and that had to be about a hundred years ago.
I arrived at the field house on broadway and waveland just before the rain came. I was an hour early for rehearsals, so I sat in the cold white washed room and sat by the window. I'm currently reading The Prince of Tides by Pat Conroy. Beautiful book. I deviled in it's pages with an intensity matched by the oncoming storm. I wanted to escape. A few glorious minutes, the rain sloshing down against the windows, wind howling, and me lost in the miseries and woes of Tom and Savannah Wingo. Why don't you make me happy anymore? There's nothing but sorrow when I'm around you now. Your eyes said everything, the message though got lost in translation. You seemed to be pleading with me, trying in those looks to figure out where I stood, whether walking out on me damaged me and I would be angry with him forever, and how long is forever?! Not long at all, because I could never be mad at you no matter how hard I try. I love you but you make me weep inside and a storm rages within me just waiting to unleash and I want to watch the rain pour down, and maybe I'll be free of you.

Broken Vases

For you my star crossed lover

I remember when my cousin got her first ceramic's set. She would use the dull colored clay and with her little hands, mold it in to a desired shape, and the shape slowly turned in to a vase. She decorated it with fake emeralds and sapphires that sparkled in the light. I remember her being very proud of her original creation and filling it with a few flowers from her aunt's garden, they were simple flowers. Lately I've been wondering what happened to that vase that she worked so hard to create. The time she put into it, it must still be with her. Did she simply outgrow it and throw it away, like so many hand made crafts are after childhood, or did it break and those simple flowers from her aunt's garden lay abandoned among the broken pieces?
As an afterthought, I began thinking on that long El' ride on the subway, what had happened to my vase. The one I put all of my love and attention into, the one that took me years to build and in a fourth of the time, to break. I loved that vase with all of my heart. I poured everything, all of my feelings, my secrets. Where did it all go wrong?

Self Realization

I thought I knew what I wanted to be since I was twelfth. I had it all planned out, to write, be a journalist... but then fate threw me a bad hand. I was lost and felt uncertain about my future plans and feeling like the current was taking me way of course, and during that year, all I could think about was just letting go. What else did I have left? I put all of my energy and time into becoming something I didn't know I wanted to be anymore. But Fate intervened for a second time and unforseen circumstances brought me in touch with David, who changed my life for the better, in more ways then he or anyone could have possibly imagined. Because of him, I have a purpose now. It isn't just something I want to do but I've made living my life to the fullest an art. I am the artist and the world is my canvas. Moments are my medium. My plans are to travel and see the world, write and experience life as freely as possible. That's all I've ever wanted my whole life, to be without restraints since most of my life I've felt trapped and unable to get anywhere, but that's about to change. So far I've been exploring my options in the arts from acting, drawing, photography...etc. I want to express. I feel like me and David's paths are aligned and we have a purpose in this life. Something remarkable can come from such a partnership, Both idealist searching for world peace, by helping those in need and learning about all of humanity. It's a big task, Who knows what the future holds? This is the Deus Ex Machina, plot twist, my life in motion.